Thoughts..

Without the inclination, the yearning would never take seed..

Without taking seed, the blossom would never find Her light.. Without Her light, the flower would not be nourished..
Without nourishment, the withering of the soul begins..

Without the soul, the species becomes hollow and dry..

Without the blossom taken to fruition.. tendered,
treasured, nurtured and loved.. the Gardner has no purpose.

Just a little thought for the night.

Funny how I found this blog again, after many years of not writing here. It happened the other night, I was playing on the web, looking at something.. when poof.. i was taken to an old D/s website that I used to frequent. Something I haven't looked at or even thought about since the last time I wrote here. I gave up on that world and the hopes of ever finding a Master who could love me for me. So much has happened and changed in my life.. some for the better, much of it for the worst.

So, looking for any kind of Master, much less even thinking about sex.. just was not happening. So it surprised me when i landed on that website. Then I hit another key and bam, i was brought here.. back to my old days when I thought I loved somebody named Lano

sooo much. *laughs* and bitched about Dominant men's lack of self-esteem. hah. Too fucking funny.

But it makes me wonder.. why those old thoughts and desires just popped up on my screen.

I miss writing. What I do write, i put it on paper. I've always enjoyed holding paper and pen in my hands vs. punching a keyboard.. any day. Just as i enjoy holding a book when i read vs. reading it over a computer screen.

Anyway, the minute i logged in there.. messages began coming in.. some nice, some still the same old bullshit. The guy/Dom (if you can call him that, cuz in my book he is no Dom, just

an abuser) sends you a note.. "hey bitch.. get down on your knees and worship my cock"

OMG.. I don't even know this person.. never seen him a day in my life.. yet he expects ME to kneel down and worship his dirty cock? blah.. but hey, you know.. you are submissive so you don't say that.. you respond nicely "uhm i'm sorry but i do not know you, so why would i want to worship you in any way?" LOL.. if you can call that nice.. but hey, at least there is some manners in there. Then beep.. another message from the ass.. "blahblahblah.. well in my eyes,even if you don't know me, you should worship my cock and because you won't.. you aren't no damn submissive." So there you have it.. the mentality of wannabes. Yep, they still exist..

what, did i really think that kind of person wouldn't be out, searching for his next victim..

stupid of me to think they wouldn't be around anymore. Maybe i just chose to forget those types of people exist. whatever..

And the lacking of self-confidence.. well, that is still there too. Got a letter from an old man of 65 years old.. so i think OK.. he sounds nice enough.. we share a few letter.. but every time i did not answer immediately, he assumed he had done something wrong. I spent most of my time assuring him he said nothing wrong and that at times I checked my messages while i was at work, if i had minutes to spare.. but it never gave me the time to sit and write out any kind of reply..and when i got home.. i sat down, ate some dinner and vegged out with the TV and the dog i didn't see all day and missed.. and after sitting all day in front of a computer screen while at work, i just didn't feel the urge to sit immediately down in front of a computer just to write him.. so he wouldn't feel he had done something wrong. I mean sheesh. Give me a break. Yet, time after time.. i would write and write.. and i was curious.. so i'd ask him a question about himself.. no answer.. no answer.. just his one line little replies.. cuz he was too busy entertaining every other woman on there that would stroke his puny ass ego. So i asked him, why do you always avoid any questions i asked you. You know what he basically said.. fuck off. He didn't want to know me anymore.. fine. whatever. obviously the old coot had something to hide or he would of spoke about himself and his life, IF he was really interested in getting to know an honest submissive.

Sooo.. another bad thing, just did not disappear.. these so-called Doms and their low self-esteem are still around as well.

What I want to truly know.. is how in the world can a truly Dominant man have zero self-esteem, yet.. still consider himself a Dom. It is a contradiction in and of itself. Pure and simple.

You aren't going to spank my ass if you don't have any self confidence or self-esteem. get real. these are part of all the reasons I left this lifestyle to begin with.. yet, some weird coicidence brings me right back to it.

So here I sit, a broken down submissive..that has run away from the very thing she desires the most.. because of assholes. Should i be more ashamed of them or of myself? I wonder..

Reality TV..

Yes, I am a true fan of Reality TV. *laughs*  For years, I did not watch television at all and then when I went back and took a look and seen this thing called Reality TV, I was hooked.

Some of my favorite current reality TV shows are:

1. The Hills
2. There's something about Miriam
3. Real World - Sydney

   The Hills would have to be my favorite reality TV shows at the moment.

   I have watched this show for approximately 3 seasons now, or since it became its own show. I do believe the first season that had Lauren in it was Laguna Beach. (that was also a good show if you like a lot of drama and I must since I liked Laguna beach as well as The Hills.)

   You truly have to sit and laugh, or perhaps shake your head at all the drama that takes place on this show.  It seems this season has been a lot of drama between Lauren, Heidi and Spencer. (The dweeb)

   Last season Heidi met Spencer and that is when the sh*t started hitting the fan.  Spencer thought he was so good looking that he could get any woman and while wooing Heidi, he would also be off flirting with other women in the clubs. (though nothing became of it)  Of course, Lauren found out what Spencer was up to and this started her "Hate" affair with him and eventually broke up her friendship with Heidi.

During this previous summer, Lauren was off living in some sea-side beach place with Jason (who is now her ex and since he became engaged to another girl you NEVER hear a single word about him anymore) which left Heidi alone at their apartment all summer long.

During that time somebody spread some vicious rumors about Lauren and Jason that they had made sex movies and on and on. (sheesh sometimes the drama is too stupid to deal with) So now Heidi and Spencer is getting all the blame for starting those rumors, though Heidi swears up and down they had nothing to do with it.

Now this season has been mostly about the Lauren, Heidi and Spencer drama with other bits and pieces thrown in so we all don't become so bored that we fall over from exhaustion. hah.

So what does everybody think?  Did Heidi and Spencer start the sex tape rumors or was it somebody else?

I'm curious...

Pamela.

More On Dominant Men

As I sit here this 1st day of November, I can hear massive groups of Ducks flying over my house. I suppose they are flying south for the winter, or wherever ducks do go when winter time hits.
I always thought they stuck around since there is a duck hunting season *frowns* and perhaps some ducks do? I have no idea in all honesty LOL. But it is cool to look out the window and see just hundreds of ducks flying, wherever to they are going. They also sound awesome, their cute little 'duck' call. LOL. uhm.

In my last post, I wrote about Dominant men and how most of them do not seem to have any kind of self-confidence. It seems i've been doing a lot of bitching about men as of late and I have no idea why, but for some reason their attitudes and requests are beginning to really irk me off.

For instance, I had a Master in Yahoo send me an IM last evening. He seemed nice enough and we both shared similar feelings on how we thought most people in the D/s scene on Yahoo seem only to be game players. (it seems he has experienced much of what I experience with so-called Dominant men, he experiences with many submissive ladies)

So I thought, okay, this guy sounds nice enough (oh no, not again! not another.. he sounds nice enough...) so we added each other to our buddy lists before I said my goodnights.

When I logged on this afternoon, he was STILL here, so I sent him a little teaser - meant as a joke as I added the hehehe to the end to let him know i was only teasing him.
I got back the most vile message. He told me true submissive women do NOT Laugh!!?? Amongst other crap.. oh geee.
So NOW i am not supposed to laugh cause I am submissive?? What a joke! Who does he think he is anyway? Obviously NOBODY!
By this time i was angry, very angry and I told him that I hope that he searches FOREVER for another submissive - as any lady, submissive or not.. should not allow anybody to take away her gift of laughter.

So many of us submissive ladies online and otherwise, has been hurt badly in our lives and most of us are lucky that we are still able to laugh, that we are able to see the funny things in life and still be able to laugh at it and yet we have some jerk, wanna-be Master? to tell us we are not allowed to laugh if we are indeed true submissives. Who in the h*ll does he think he is anyway?

Everyday the crap only gets deeper and deeper on Yahoo. The men are becoming more and more vile and hateful. They act like they are the gift to all women, heck they are so great they are even a great gift to God Himself!
*shakes her head*
Just one day i'd like to be able to come on here and cheer and yell that I have indeed met a 'real' Master who doesn't have to abuse, who doesn't have to take away or deny a submissive her most tiniest of lifes gifts.

When and if that day ever comes, I shall post it here.. but i am beginning to seriously doubt there is a Master out there like that.

Where is the good men? Where is the laughter and joy that life is supposed to be and bring?

embrisa~ the temptress!

Dominant Men

Something that i have noticed about Dominant men as of late.. and that is they have absolutely no self-confidence and very little self-worth.

This bothers me. How can a person call themselves Dominant yet have no self-confidence or self-worth?

I've always known that submissives (most) seem to have common traits but I never realized so did Doms. Perhaps this is just something that online Doms seem to suffer from but how can they even begin to properly Dominate when they cannot even take care of their basic mental functions? How could they possibly take care of mine or my sexuality and why would i even want them to?

To me, a Man or Master who has no self-confidence or self-worth is somebody who:
1. Gets angry if one does not answer them within 1/2 second.
2. They can give criticism, but if you dare say something back to them they get all bent out of shape over it.
3. They are always putting the blame on somebody else but where it rightly belongs.
4. They show any signs of being an abuser.
5. They drink or use drugs excessively.
6. They get bent out of shape if you deny them any kind of sexual encounter.

The list could go on and on, but I don't want to play that game either. We all know what i am talking about.

Oh and something else i found to be very true.. if they run around with a nickname like "gentle Master" or "loving Dom" or any nick that makes them seem nice or loving -- 'usually' they are the exact opposite. I have no idea why this works the way it does, but just from my personal experiences.. if they make claims of being gentle, loving, whatever.. usually they are just full of crap.

With all these losers, it is no wonder i miss Lano, the biggest loser of them all.

LOL - okay, i am done venting for now. When i am not in such a huff I will come back and re-do this so it makes more sense, for now.. i just gotta scream, f*ck off!!!

embrisa

Falling Out Of Love~

I got the absolutely best advice I had ever received from a person I did not even know.

I wrote some silly thing about "How i cannot stop thinking about Him." along with hundreds of other ladies and it seems my particular little piece got picked out, and answered by a man (or maybe an angel?) and in his comment to me, he stated that we all can fall in love.. but the real test comes when we must 'fall out of love'.

There was much more said, yes, but the thing that caught my eye and has brought about extremely rapid healing for me was the 'falling out of love' thing.
I guess through out it all, I knew that i loved deeply.. but i had some idea in my head that once you love, you always love.. and on some level that is very true. BUT there is a difference between loving somebody and 'being' in love with somebody.

This little statement hit me like a firecracker. It made me realize how important it was for me to 'fall out of love' with him even though somewhere in my heart i will always love him. I know, i know.. it all sounds very confusing but really it is not.
Since that day, I have not spent more than perhaps 5 minutes a day thinking about HIM. When i find my thoughts going to HIM, i gently stir them away and remind myself that he left me long ago and there is no need for me to 'keep being in love' with him. That i also want happiness in my life and will never find it as long as I remained stuck with this out-dated mode of thinking.

It is so hard to explain exactly how and why these few little words impacted my whole being the way they did, but I have not shed one tear over him, i have not laid in bed cuddling my pillow wishing it was him, etc. I have completely let go and have let the healing process begin and it feels wonderful. Like these chains have been released from my poor, beaten up heart - finally.. and i can breath again, smile again, eat again without everything I do reminding me of HIM.

So if anybody should ever read this who is experiencing the same sort of problem, who feels that love lasts forever.. remember that there IS a difference between 'being in love' with them and a more 'generalized' love because of the times the two of you did share in life. The smiles, the tears, the whispered secrets.. will always cause you to bond to somebody but don't stay and keep your heart in that terror when he has clearly moved on, as it will break your soul, your heart and make you emotionally unavailable for perhaps a new, much better friend and lover in the future.

And to the person who shared this small, but valuable advice with me, I have no idea if you ever read this.. but you will never have no idea how your words of advice has impacted my soul and mind and released me to start healing. (something i thought would never happen)
To me, YOU are an angel in disguise.

Also, to all my friends.. the old ones and the new ones, the close ones and not-so-close ones.. I'd like to say thank you for sticking by me while I went through (and perhaps still am, since complete healing takes time) my self-made hell. But I see the light.. so thank you, thank you.. to those who always stood by me. I love and appreciate You all soooo much.

May God bless YOU,
embrisa/pamela.

How Do I Know?

I sat tonight, chatting with a friend... and it dawned on me, after all the pain and heart ache I have been through these past 5 years - how will I ever love again? How will I ever heal again to be emotionally available enough to feeling those feelings, to be able to give 100% of myself to another person, when I am so wrapped up in pain and grief?
Though finding and having love in my life is quite high on my list of priorities, because of course we all want to be loved and cared for as well as love another, if one is not emotionally available.. then it is useless and i realized tonight, i may not be emotionally available.. though i wish more than anything to be.
I know what it would take to have closure and to begin healing, and that would be for Lano to tell me goodbye, it is over with. Even though he has not spoken to me for 4 months and one would think I would slowly get over it and move on with my life,but it feels as if I am stuck. It feels as if I need Lano to say, 'it is over, goodbye.' In past converstions I did indeed ask Lano to do that for me, to tell me goodbye but he always denied me.
Perhaps his denying me this shows me exactly what a sadistic prick he really is, by keeping some kind of hold on my heart.. though he wants nothing to do with me, i really do not know.
On another note,
I've been having lots of strange dreams lately.. mostly about weird animals. such as crocodiles or snakes or spiders. A snake bites my spine while indian healers are in the room. Crocodiles are trying to gnaw my feet off whiles swarms of flies are all over me and them and all I can do is go like crazy to save my life. Huge spiders in trees, spinning webs and following me around. Snakes in my house and even call in a pest control man who cannot get rid of them. and on and on... makes me wonder what all these dreams mean, if anything. I guess I will always be the curious one about things like that.

much love and light,
embrisa

Submission and Love

I never realized how alike submissive women think...
lately i've been reading some blogs from submissive women and it seems blog after blog, submissive women seem to love deeper, feel deeper, have nearly the same wounds etc. I never knew this till recently. I find it in some way uplifting to know there are others out there who think and feel the way i do, yet, i know it is hellish.. so i feel a deep sense of saddness for all of us in this same boat.
So often i want to write to them and tell them how they are not alone and a few survival techniques i have learned a long the way.. especially when we start questioning if God actually loves us and if so why do we suffer so deeply etc.
BUT, being in the same shoes, i understand that getting words from a stranger is not what we need.. regardless of how understanding those words may be or not.
What we do need is understanding and love from those closest to us. A simple touch. A small smile..but often so many of us do not even have that in our lives. Nobody to count on. Nobody to listen. Nobody to hold us when we need to be held.

Oh well, maybe someday I will figure it all out. I will figure out how to stop all suffering within myself. How to love just 'enough' instead of too much. How to bare witness to my suffering as a means of release.

Until later,
embrisa/pamela.
btw, i still love You Lano. :(

Walking Through A Door!

Do we have a passion in life that helps us find our own morality? Hmm interesting question.

A light in the darkness, conjured out of Love!

Do You have a Dental Plan? If Not, get a hold of me. It is cheap and worth it.

Pamela :)

Summer Break

It has been some time since I have wrote here. I guess I needed a break from the writing and the web in general as I have not really logged on Yahoo or anywhere.

My summer I spent trying to straighten myself out a bit. It is hard to believe it is almost the middle of August and before I know it it will be snowing here in Colorado, just a few short months away. uggh.

Alot has changed for me. I am still steadily losing weight. I hardly recognize myself anymore when I look in the mirror. Men actually look at me now and flirt with me and I love being able to fit into clothes that I never could of dreamed of wearing before.

I have also been seeing a psychologist now for a couple months, perhaps a little longer. I'm not sure if it has helped me or not, but it does give me somebody to talk to and somebody I can sit and cry in front of that does not back away from me or feel she has to say anything to me, which was kind of strange at first but really it is not so bad to have somebody focused on you and listening. (One can hope they are listening anyway.)
We've talked about so many things regarding me, I actually understand myself a bit more now than I ever did in the past and the last time I met with her I actually talked to her about Lano. It was embarassing to admit that I fell in love with a man over the internet, somebody I had never met before.. but spoke to for 5 years of my life. She helped me understand why I could of fell in love with somebody like him and reminded me that I did not need a man in my life who drank excessively or one who could not live up to his words.
We also spoke about how I felt it might of been my fault that things never worked out because I never got up and followed my dreams and went to south africa. Of course, He's always said I was invited there, but even with that he never followed through.. so it was not my fault at all that I never went to south africa.
Sometimes it is strange to have somebody put things into reality for you when you just cannot see it.

I still walk around cursing him out under my breath and hating him for what he's done to me. I actually tried to call his home a few weeks ago, but like usual his mother told me he was not at home, he was at his uncles. Yeah, uh huh... tell me more bull crap lies. I doubt Lano is any place where he cannot drink like the little pig that he is.

Enough of that. I also got a job. *faints* only working part time and am trying to get another at the moment, something that would make me much more happier. So I have my fingers crossed that it comes through for me.

I hope everybody in the blogging world is hanging tuff. I miss reading my favorite bloggs and keeping up with the people that I loved to hear about.

May peace and love always surround You and guide You,
Pamela/embrisa.

In A fish Bowl

Lets see what all is new in my boring, sad, confusing, mixed-up, lonely life.

The other day I got an e-mail, hmm a rather popular one that gives hints and tips about windows. For two weeks in a row now their main article was about blogging. Of all things to write about. I guess the government is going to start *watching* it or something -- like if they don't already have their nose in every other little thing we do.
I wish I had not deleted the articles, darn.. they were pretty news worthy I thought. I guess I just was not thinking at the time. To make a long story short they asked readers to write in with their thoughts on blogging, if they thought it was a waste of space, etc. If they read blogs, la de da de da.
I think most people thought blogging was not a waste of space but did not have the time nor the energy to go out and find the good blogs to read and the two most popular blogs were personal Journals and Journalism type blogs.
Oh well, just some interesting tid bits I thought I might share.

I still get lonely alot for Lano. In a couple days will be his birthday. June 20th 1971. He's getting to be an old man. hahah.
I wrote His mother an e-mail and asked her to tell Him Happy Birthday for me. If she will actually do it, I do not know. I can only hope there is an ounce of goodness left in her.

Lets see, Mr Kosevia (is that how you spell it?) lol. Mica, whatever He wishes to call himself. He actually spoke to me again after I intiatiated a conversation with him.
He was as cold as an ice cube, like if i had actually done something to him, besides try to like him. haha. I guess that qualifies as having somebody hate you...
He told me that "W/we just could not be" because he was looking for a sexual relationship. So i guess i was just not sexual enough for him. *shakes her head* too bad for me. I personally would not want a man who has to stick his thing in everything living thing that moves anyway. As they say, not only are you having sex with the person but you are also having sex with every other person they ever had sex with as well.
So it is cool. I don't ever want Aids or some other weird disease.

Feels like I have so much to say that I don't know where to begin, so I will 'end' instead for now.

Love and Light,
embrisa.

Border Line!

Well I stayed up all night Saturday night, like a bloody fool, trying to get ahold of Lano. I guess his mommie must of been gone, because nobody answered the phone there and depending upon Lano's mood, he may or may not answer.

I guess he must of had some idea it was me who was calling and just did not want to deal with it or me. Always did tell me not many people dial their home phone number, most dial his mothers cell phone if wanted to get in touch with them. *shrugs* I on the other hand will not call his mothers cell phone, i'd rather puke first. Odd how i used to like that woman.

I really don't know what to say about it. It is obvious he does not love him as I do love him and I guess nor has he never. I cannot sit here and feel sorry for myself obviously but it would help if the truth would stick with me and I were able to move along, once and for all.

Maybe someday my heart will catch up with my mind, i just do not know. I just know that it hurts alot and he is a dirty dog for lying the way he did for so long. But again, it does not help to put him down or hold grudges, not if one wants to live in a state of Grace.

I guess he did what he had to do. I guess he lied because he felt he had to lie and that is that.

I'm going to curl up in my nice warm sheets and comforter and try to not cry myself to sleep.

Love & Light to You All.

embrisa/pamela.

My Little World

I want to talk to Lano this morning soooo bad I could just scream. Never felt so lonely for anybody in my whole life. My mind keeps seeing his face. Hearing his words and i miss him desperately.

It seems no man can be the friend he was, yet at the same time, make me desire him so much. Every man comes on too strong sexually for me and i do not like that. If he does not come on sexually, then it seems he is just a friend and there is no feelings at all. So all in all, i just miss Lano. I miss who he was and what he did to me and how he made me feel. (When he wasn't drinking that is) ha. *sigh*

Maybe my run in with Mr. Slovenia brought all this on, i do not know. But in general, i find men very piggish, very self -centered, so many things... and they all feel negative.

And some little mouse of a boy, somebody i barely know.. tonight when I had my cam on asked if he could see my cam if he let me see his. I thought okay, what is the big deal. *frowns* Not more than 5 minutes later he was asking if he could whack off on cam while I watched? I said no thank you. He replied, you are very into yourself aren't you?

Maybe i am? Maybe i need to lighten up in the sex area? I just do not know anymore. All my life, even as a teenager all my girlfriends were out getting laid and I was thinking, 'oh, i am going to save myself for my true prince charming' lol.

My prince charming ended up being some guy named 'ken' of all names.. who rode a harley. One of my brothers best friends. I fell madly in love with this guy when I was 12 years old! LOL and I loved him all the way till i was 23 years old.. when he drove me to a field, he was drunk.. basically ripped off my clothes, slobbered on my face these grimey kisses and had his way with me sexually. When he got done, he turned and looked and me and told me was marrying somebody else. pig.

So that is how I lost my virginity. Now i am 43 years old and can count the number of lovers i've had on one hand. I do not regret it either. I seen my friends have unwanted pregnancies, abortions, STD's and every other imaginable thing while I have never had to deal with anything like that.

Anyway, i actually prayed and tried to call lano. LOL. silly crap. But no answer. Just voice mail. I needed to hear his voice so bad but i guess the powers above just don't want that to happen. humph. *Laughs* faith can be so funny sometimes.. I actually got this thing i the mail today.. yes, snail mail.. not email.. it said on it.
1. never step over a broom laying on the floor, if you do and are unmarried you will stay that way. *interesting*
2. When moving into a new home, a loaf of bread and a new broom should be sent in first for good luck. *another interesting one*
3. It is back luck to take a broom across water. *what is it with this broom stuff?*
4. Never lean a broom against a bed?
5. To keep a ghost out, lean a broom against the door jam. *hmmm*
6. to give away a used broom is bad luck?
7. oh, to drop a broom means company is coming. lol.
8. A broom should never be used to sweet dust out of the front door, because it sweeps the luck out with it. *sounds very fung shu'ish to me*
9. Never sweep a house a night. It is an insult to the faeries and the spirits of the dead. *eeeks.. i often vacuum in the night time.*
10...well you get the point i hope. lol.

maybe if i would of thrown the broom out the back door, towards the moon.. and jumped around the yard on one foot Lano would of answered his phone at work? lol.
One never knows. hah.

Enough of my crap babbling for now. I'm going ..

Peace and Love
and watch those brooms..
embrisa/pamela.

Bloody Tears

When do I stop hurting myself and why do I allow myself to be mangled like a stray mutt on a leash? *hangs her head*

Mr Slovenia came back into my life, yes once again and yes i was a happy happy girl. I have no idea why he makes me so durn happy, but he does. He also has the ability to take my heart right out of my chest and absolutely crush it, mash it and make the tears fall like rain.

He asked me lots of questions. We talked about lots of things. He made sure to tell me right away that while away on a business trip, he slept with a married German woman. How the minute He shook her hand, He got a massive hard-on and could only think about how he could get her into bed. I was not even going to ask and I should not of asked, but like a dummy I did, "so did You sleep with her." and of course, I got the answer I expected.."yes i did."

The tears ran cold and deep. I have not hurt so bad since Lano. I guess somewhere in there I made him very angry at me because He told me I was nothing more than a cum receptile for the Dominant men online. Ahhh.. talk about even more tears. I've always taken great pride in the men I have anything to do with sexually. Always. No man uses me sexually. Vanilla, Dominant, or otherwise. So his words sliced me like a knife cutting me deep.

Things eventually cooled down and we were able to speak like adults again. We talked about some of the things i would like in a Dominant and some of the things He would like as a submissive.
I admitted that I liked Him and that I wanted Him as my Master. He told me nobody ever admitted that to Him before, though He had been in a few D/s relationship online before. He gave me some wonderful examples and in return asked what I would want. I did not think what I wanted in return was much and if He felt He could not give these things then He was welcome to set me Free.

Today everything seemed so different. So cold he did act towards me. I even took time to set up tripod and take the pictures he wanted (and no, not naked ones). I was soundly asleep when He woke up and became active on Yahoo.. i woke up like electricity shot down my spine, happy and bubbly to see Him.. but it was like away I could pick up on his energy and mood. He did not want me around Him.
I want to cry so badly, but really crying does nothing for me. Gets me nowhere but back into my little hole and really why am I crying? Over a man who could care crap about me?

He even had the gall to tell me that I could not keep up with him sexually? How could He possibly know this? Because i am unwilling to jump on Him right away on the computer. Because I prefer some kind of bond before I'm off wanking all over the world?

The truly funny part is that I could probably make love circles around Him. I could love Him like He has never ever been loved before and give him more and more, just like I could of with Lano-but he is not man enough to find out.. just wants to play his little game-so I will back away and let him play. I guess in the end, He could not handle a real woman like he thought he could.
So goodbye Mihec/David. May God Bless the Ground that You Walk Upon ~

I guess people come and go out of ones life on Yahoo just like they do in real life. There are the few who remain always. The ones You can count on through thick and thing, but they are few and few in-between. Sometimes it seems one loses one friend and gains another, I don't know but it is a little weird.

I recently met a fellow in CA who is into very heavy breath play. Plastic bags on head. Mummification. Body Bags, the whole bit. Anything that inhibits ones flow of breath he likes it. Very much a pleasure to chat with.
I've always had some strange attraction to breath play. but some of that stuff just plain scares me, like mummification, etc.

On the other hand, my friend who moved here from the UK.. he has taken on the strangest attitude and personality as of late. It is almost as if he is afraid to be caught talking to me or maybe just pure ashamed. period.
So i've tried to keep my distance.

Todays I start my first Yoga/Tai Chi classes. I guess this first time I will just be with the teacher so he can evulate me to be if I am healthy/flexible etc enough to be in the whole class. If not then I guess I can study with Him once a week in private for just a tad bit more money.

I must run now and take a shower, collect my thoughts and my being and get Mr. Slovenia out of my head.

Will Let You Know How Yoga/Tai Chi went. LOL..

Love and Light,
embrisa/pamela.

Tulips and Roses

Yesterday it was soooo cold here. Sometimes I wonder if summer will ever get here at all. :-( Even if it is beautiful here in the day time, come evening it gets so windy and cold that one cannot go outside without a sweater. Brrrr. I think it is just the area we live in. Way out east. If lived closer to Denver, would not have these problems.

I went wandering through my local King Soopers grocery store, they have a very nice selection of garden flowers, which I found amazing. I found the most beautiful rose bush for only 12 dollars that was absolutely covered in red roses. I found some other things as well for my flower bed, but the thing that amazed me the most was the rose bush.
Also being the tulip lover that I am, once I got in the store to pay for my garden stuff, they had a lovely assortment of indoor flowers and could not pass up buy myself a big bunch of some sort pinkish purplish tulips, which costed almost as much as my big rose bush.

just_friend235

Creeps on Yahoo always tend to pop up out of nowhere, pretend to be your friend and strike you like a snake.

Been talking to somebody named just_friend235 on and off for awhile now, guess I pissed him off cause I would never turn my cam on for him like he wanted. So today I was eating lunch, he asked me what I was doing, told him I was eating lunch.. he said a BBW is eating? That is not all he said. His comments got very rude and crude and he got very mean, all the while saying he liked heavier women. Why? So he can abuse them?
I absolutely hate people who think that because one has some extra weight on themselves all they do is sit around all day long and stuff their faces. In fact, most days I am lucky if I eat one meal a day. But on my mother side of the family, almost all the women have carried extra weight.

At least physicians these days realize that weight can be genetic. So for those of us who have carried extra weight all of our lives.. we have at least made baby steps in the medical community.

So to those of you who snicker behind fat/heavy people's backs. To those of you who teach your children to laugh at fat people.. well shame on you. God made all of us different, just like He made different skin colors.




Love,
embrisa/pamela

Missing You..

I slept really well last night, I guess because I had a full day yesterday. With only having a few hours sleep the night before, before I had to wake up and go to the Ophthalmologist and finding out I now need a low level reading reading glasses mixed in with my normal glasses. blah. Which kind of sucked since I had to go spend $600 bucks on two pair of glasses, one being just a semi-cheap pair of sunglasses.

I did wake up to the phone ringing, but by the time I reached it they were gone. I knew it was my roommate cause of caller ID, I guess calling to tell me would not be going to see my mother and father's grave with me but would be working instead. When returned the phone call, that is what it was indeed.

I felt very messy emotionally and had to sit and cry for awhile. I knew in my heart I missed Lano very badly. I even tried to call his phone number and let it ring a few times before hanging up, surely did not want his mother to answer. Don't know why I rang it in the first place. Maybe I thought on some wayyyyy out level he missed me too and would dash to the phone to answer it. Yeahhh right. *smirks* like that would actually happen. Well, one can always dream I guess.

Anyway, after waking up and clearing the cobwebs from my brain the tears quit and I became more myself again. Got fresh water and some fresh summer air, felt much better.

Is love truly worth this heartache?

The heart knows....




Love and Light,
embrisa/pamela

Early Morning Blues

Well, I slept for a few minutes, sitting up like normal. *big frown* Woke up again with a fried neck. What I would not give for a massage. Ahhh that would feel soooo nice.

I have an appointment at the eye clinic at the Hospital at 9:30 am this morning, that means if I go to sleep now I would get approximately 2 hours of sleep. *laughs* boy oh boy. And unfortunately I do not feel like sleeping though I have a splitting headache. Probably from my poor sleeping habits and my neck ache.

Today while I am at the hospital I am going to find out about some massage therapy as well as accupunture and doing some classes on Tai Chi. I know the hospital used to offer them but then enough people were not interested. Perhaps they started them back up again. All I can do is check it out.
If not, perhaps that is some kind of place around town here that offers Tai Chi classes. *ponders.

Had a really busy day yesterday, spent most of it in the yard.. Taking care of plants and grass and things. I even had myself a barbecue. They are never much fun alone but the food was good. Made myself chicken and corn on the cob. Marinated the chicken in some kind of concoction I made up half the day before I put it on the grill. LOL.
Also, it was so funny, the grill is a small gas grill and I use foil. Well the chicken stuck to the foil, regardless of my constant turning of the stupid stuff and put little holes in the foil. *laughs* and the grease dripped down onto the little lava rocks and poof.. had big fire coming up from barbecue. Would not go down for nothing.
I need rest. Will write more later.



Love and Light,
embrisa/pamela

Sleep Number Bed

I don't know how many of You actually know what a "Sleep Number Bed" is, but here in the USA, they are advertised quite heavily on television and even have their own stores in the malls, etc.

I guess less than a year ago I bought one of these beds, they are pretty cool. Basically they are like an original bed but the insides do not have the original type mattress' with the springs sticking up to eventually pop up and stab you in the back or whatever but you un-zip the top part of the mattress then another part un-zips and inside of there are two like air mattress' that actually hook up to dual controls which are good if one is married so each partner can select the amount of air they want and supposably sleep better.

The thing with these beds is seperating each air mattress (for lack of a better word) is a piece of foam which is pretty stiff, I have to wonder how couples even sleep if they like to cuddle, one would actually have to sleep on this foam, and though I have a queen sized bed I like to actually sleep in an odd position, with my feet at say bottom left and my head at top right. So my body actually crosses the piece of core foam that is inside this bed. Every day I wake up sore and mucked up when I do sleep in the bed laying down.
Last night I decided I would try to sleep like a normal person with my body straight up and down and boy did I wake up sore. Headache, backache.. basically my whole body hurts. I hurt.

I pulled out my owners manual and called these people. They are going to send me a single 'core' bed. Meaning there will not be two air chambers in my bed. Right now I have two remote controls that work each side of the bed when this new chamber is put in, only one remote will work the bed and there will no longer be a form going down the middle of my bed.
I guess basically I will have like one big air mattress in my bed?

Anyway, the bed was very expensive and I called these people before and they offered me the same thing but I denied it because the bed was so expensive I guess I thought I would be cheated if only one remote worked or there was only one air chamber in there or something. But it seems my quality of sleep is more important than anything else.

This may account for why I sleep sitting up at times. I guess only time will tell. I think last time I waited almost a month for my mattress to come in. I hate waiting that long, but at least I know it is on its way and perhaps I did something positive for myself in the way of sleep.

Mucho love and light,
embrisa.

Snow Flakes In Her Eyes

I think I am completely lost and completely sick.

I have not felt this sick in my tummy in so long. But I know it is from nerves and general upset.
I know I talk alot about Chakras and stuff like that and feeling energy in my tummy area, etc. Here is a nice picture that kinda shows where one's charkas are located and some general information about them.



My dear friend from Slovenia showed back up in my life. I felt so happy that I did not even think twice about speaking to Him, about anything. I was just happy. He makes me happy. Unfortunately It was a good conversation that turned for the worse and my poor heart got mangled all over again.

I need to learn to leave these young men alone or something. I also must remember the old saying. "hurt me once, shame on You. Hurt me again, shame on ME."

I think everything was going so/so until again I told Him I do not masturbate online. Then He seemed to get a little snobby and told me I could turn off my webcam, so I did it. When I did it, my whole system shut down because it has been heating up again quite frequently just like it did before it went into the shop in the first place. *sigh* I only left it off long enough to take my medicines and switched it back on and went back into yahoo. He did not PM me, not a single hello, not a single welcome back.. nothing.
Maybe I expect too much? I do not know. Uggggh.
I waited maybe 1/2 hour or so before I pm'd Him and told him i was sorry for whatever I had done to make him so very upset at me and I would remove him from my pal list. He returned the PM and acted like he did not even know I had been gone? Gee what great company i am huh? I can be gone for 15 minutes and one does not even notice I am gone. LOL. *sniffs*

There is that pattern again, I like Him and He does not want jack diddly to do with me.

Of course, I simply adore every person I have in my life. I feel people are not placed in my life for not reason at all. Every body is placed in my life, in my path for some reason. To teach me something, to show me something? Who knows, and yes, even online friends.

Anyway, I think after Mr. Slovenia.. I will no longer try my luck with men for a long long while. I am done. Finished.
I know for Mr. Slovenia what took place did not hurt him as long as he was able to turn around and find somebody to get off with. But it did hurt me and it did make me cry.

So no more men, just friends.. it is easier and safe that way. No heartache or liars. No nothing.




Love & Light,
Embrisa/pamela

Puppy Dog Tails

This morning when I logged on to Yahoo my 'friend'? from Slovenia was there and asked me where I disappeared to yesterday. I had just woken up from a long nights of sleep and did not feel much like beating around the bush so I told him exactly why I left yesterday.

He acted as if he was cool with everything I had said and told me he was not going anywhere. Yet after that he went very silent and then claimed that his work just called and suddenly 'needed' him and he had to go. His goodbyes were swift and I really do not expect to hear from him again.

So I guess in the end, he was just looking for Yahoo 'sex' like the rest of them. *sic* It is alright. At least I told what I did and did not want and he bascially did not have the guts to stand like a man and say he was looking for that, so goodbye.. he had to go about it in the way a chump would do it, so it is better off that once again I am one less friend short.

Yesterday ended up being a very full day for me. Ran lots of errands and went to Walmart Superstore to the garden shop, I wanted roses for the flower bed in the back yard. Right away found a lonesome rosebush called "Angel face" almost dead :-( but showed pictures of it on the tag and described it as light purple roses. For some reason "she" just called out to me, but roommate was having a fit, "don't buy that dead thing." So I talked to the lady in the garden shop and she assured me if i kept the receipt and it died I could bring it back. Also gave me some hints about cutting it back, giving it rose food and making sure it had lots of water. So I bought it despite my roommates complaints. :-)
We also got a beautiful blooming yellow rose bush, various bulbs, columbines (which are the State flower for Colorado and so beautiful), hmmm so many plants I cannot think of them all right now - oh even some sweet tomato plants. *grins*
But unfortunately, roommate had to leave soon for work for a few days so even though it was almost 90 degress outside we had to planet all the flowers and bulbs. agggh. Though we did get into a small water fight which was fun and cooled us both off. I even got a slight sunburn which don't look so bad, gives me some color to my poor pale face. LOL.

Never make someone Your Priority~
While You remain Their Option!



Love & Light,
Embrisa/Pamela