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Saturday, April 09, 2005

Happy Birthday To Me?

It seems sometimes life just cannot get any worse than it already is, regardless of the day, the time, the week, whatever.

It started out pretty good. I got my beautiful tulips yesterday, though it was not my birthday yet.. but for them to deliver flowers on saturday is very expensive.. so I got them on friday instead of today. I also got a very nice tunic type blouse from a friend. It actually looked very nice, especially since I lost almost 100 lbs in the past year. I also got a pair of white lace thongs. *laughs* But not tried those on yet, so no idea how those might or might not look.

Actually, everything was great till I woke up and read my e-mails. There was an e-mail in there from Lano's mother. She said she was just writing to wish me a happy birthday for herself and Lano and Lano would of wrote himself but his computer is broke down and he has no way to get it fixed. She also said Lano thought about calling me but thought it was not appropriate since he has not been in contact with me for so long. She signed it, Regards Joy.
I found the whole letter kind of disturbing for a couple of reasons. 1st of all, they only have one computer ... so if it is broke down, how was she writing me? and number 2, same e-mail address as Lano's but just with her name. Many ISP's allow you to have more than one e-mail addy.
I really don't know what it all means, but either Lano wrote and just pretended to be his mother or had his mother write, obviously.. but why the rest of the lies, I do not know.
I guess I can understand that he wanted to at least send me birthday wishes but wanted no other contact with me and that is fine, but again, I am sick of the lies and really am not such a chump that I would prefer to be lied to and led on regarding a relationship and I've always told him such. But I guess he doesn't want to end the relationship in case sometime in the future he 'needs' pammie, he can come running, have a thousand excuses for why he was gone.. the reasons he did what he did, etc.. and expect me to forgive him like I always have.
But this time He will be in for a big surprise, because he will never get a hold of me again.


*Half A Heart*

Anyway, I was for the most part happy before I got that e-mail. Don't know why I let it affect me so much. Why I let him affect me. I know he is only a lying dog and incapable of love. He hates himself so much so how could he possibly love anybody else?

Usually I prefer reading a real book, something I can hold in my hands.. touch, feel, smell. really take in. But recently I been doing Audio books. They can be kind of interesting if you listen to them while driving or when you have absolutely nothing else to do.. but really, that is the ticket.. You have to give them 100% of your attention to fully take them in and catch most of the details and sometimes it is hard to give anything 100% of your attention

Okay, Well, Lots to do today so will write more later.

Peace and Love,
Embrisa/Pamela.
.



Friday, April 08, 2005

New Day, More Hate Inside of Me.

I was soooo tired last night that I actually fell asleep in the middle of the night, when Mr. Satan himself (Lano) was still awake and throwing his negativity towards me. When I woke up this morning, I actually felt different, almost sick. Odd that I have to sleep when a person who is 3000 miles away from me sleeps in order to avoid bad dreams and ill health.

As the days go by, I wonder how I ever loved this person at all. Well, I know how. I felt sorry for him. When I first met him, he had nobody in his life at all except his booze. Not even his parents wanted anything to do with him. He sat inside an empty house day after day, night after night, crying and drinking and complaining that nobody wanted nothing to do with him. Yet out of all that time I was the only one who stood by him. Funny in the end, i'm the one who takes it up the behind.

After his parents lost their business and everything they owned and had to move to some small town in S. Africa, where his mothers brother lives.. who was going to give them all jobs and support them till they got on their feet...he decided working for his 2 american dollars a day and his glue sniffing, moth smelling girl, who let him abuse her was far worth more than any kind of love I could give him.
Yet, time after time... whenever he would get into an argument with her, he'd come a'runnin back to me. "oh i love you, i love you. I need you. I will do anything to be with you. Nobody means as much to me as you do and blah blah blah" and time after time i'd fall for it all over again.
His mother is no better. A lady he claims his mother is? Yet they have the audacity to sit and gossip and lie about me when I always treated everybody in his family with the utmost respect and common curtsey. It got to the point where I would call and she would actually accuse me to my face (well, on the phone) "did you just call here and hang up on me?" Like i am sooo stupid that I would actually call his house and hang up on his mother only to call back and ask for him? That makes no sense to me and i'd have to be mentally retarded to do something that stupid.
But in the end, it was just a ploy so I would not call and ask for Lano no more. Why play stupid games when over and over I told Lano, "if this relationship is over, all you have to do is say so and make it easy on both me and my heart." but it was always "no no, it is not over..why would you think that? I love you.. " and his same old bullcrap lines.

Now a battle rages on inside of me. A small part of me (my heart) still loves him in the tiniest way. But the rest of me hates him soooo much that if i could, i'd destroy him. But I would do it sooo slowly and so painful, just as he is doing to me.. that he would have no doubts at all that it was me who was cursing his a*s.

For me to speak this way is very shocking to myself because I have never ever been a lady of hate. I've always loved everybody. Every night I sit and do exercises on forgiveness and releasing anger and resentment, but perhaps my soul just is not ready to forgive him yet because it is just not working. In the past, whenever he wronged me (which was a thousand and ten times) I always forgave him on the drop of a dime. Maybe that is another reason he took advantage of me the way he did. Because i was such a sucker to forgive him the way I did.

Sometimes I sit and think about our last few conversations. Sometimes I'd say something pertaining to "us" and he would say "Nooooo"... but give no reason for it. I guess I was not thinking because I was not picking up on the subtle hints he was giving me that things were not the same between us and he just did not love me no more, if ever. Yet, while he was saying Noooo .. he was still saying "i love you and when are you going to send me the money to come to you pammie?" *laughs* I am soo glad I never sent that fool a dime of my money though I spent thousands of dollars on him in other ways. Gifts, etc.. but the main way was by calling him. Calling S. Africa was not cheap and I am still paying off those phone bills though we have not spoke since February.

So that is that. I guess he found the stupid American chick he was looking to use while he could. Get all he could get out of her. Abuse her all he could possibly abuse her and then run like hell. Yes, I guess Lano got what he wanted.



But the next time around, I HOPE he is the one who gets taken for the sucker and gets heartbroken. I hope he falls down a staircase and breaks his legs. Heck, I don't know what I hope for that lyin' dog.. but whatever it is, I hope it is the worst of the worst.

Anyway, enough venting about him. He doesn't deserve so much of my time.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Ugggh. But I have some awesome flowers coming... i think like 40 tulips. 20 white and 20 red in a red vase. Hmmm. i love flowers. Almost as many flowers for as many years old as I will be. lol.
Also, my fingers finally quit bleeding from the fish bowl exploding in my hands, but the gashes are huge and can see the inside of my fingers. I know I probably should of had stitches, but at least it is healing without. Also been using an iodine wash on them. Ouch that burns.

Okie, I am done gripping for the moment.
Love Embrisa.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Born Under A Bad Sign?

Well, I thought things were going a little bit better since I was sharing my feelings about my sleep, etc. Even been sleeping a bit better on a more regular basis without no horrifying dreams or anything too weird happening...
But last night upon wakening, I went to feed my fish and noticed some water around the bowl. hmm this is strange I thought. So like a total idiot I picked up the fish bowl to have a check and no sooner than I picked it up, the whole thing completely shattered. Water, sand and my poor little fishy landing in a pile at my feet and to make matters worse, while the fish bowl is breaking, it is cutting big gashes into my fingers. So on top of all that mess I am bleeding like crazy and blood is going all over my brand new off-white carpet. *sighs*
So I can tell today that a few of my fingers need stitches. They will not quit bleeding and the gashes are so deep you can see the insides of my fingers. But I have no way to get to the hospital unless I call and ambulance and I don't think I want to call and ambulance for two fingers. I am able to drive, but not sure I can do it when I have to shift gears and bleed all over. Who knows, it might be fun.
I've kept them wrapped up in clean linens, but if the linens dry even in the slightest bit it causes the wounds to bleed all over again. Ugggh. Lets see, I've also tried bandages and gauze with the same outcome.

I feel really, really angry.. because my life just seems to be one hellish event after another and I do not know why. I've never done nothing to hurt anybody. I've always been a very shy, quiet person. Kept to myself for the most part. Never had a lot of friends, but the friends I did have I always adored and kept close to my heart. Though there were always the ones who always hurt me or used me or went out of their way to steal my boyfriend away or something of that nature.

It makes me wonder about Karma. I've always been a firm believer in karma. But what the heck is it truly? Just something us innocent people get beat up from from past lives, something we don't even remember... while the true a*sholes of this world walk around hurting people, abusing people, lying to others.. like Lano, with no consequences on their lives?

And what about God? Even God does not love the righteous? *sigh* I feel very confused. He loves us so darn much that he allows those who practice evil to hurt us? Where is the justice in all of this? The world is not made up of justice I do not guess. The truly righteous people get kicked in the stomach by things like karma, God, and even Aholes like Lano.
I feel like that one guy in the bible, cannot remember his name right now.. the one who satan wants to see if through no matter what, the guy will stick by God.. so God agrees and they put this poor guy through all kinds of hellish tests. Disease, death, just about everything one can think of and they do it to this guy... wish I could remember his name. I feel like a rock head for not being able to right now. Anyway, that is how my life feels.
Lano would love this, if he ever read it... since he loves the devil soooo much. I always pissed him off because I never believed in satan. I always said satan was our own egos and hell was right here on earth. Ohh i used to piss him off so badly at me when i talked that way. How could I possibly believe in a God and not a satan? hmmm. Maybe I need to re-think my own thinking.

Anyway, enough complaining and griping from me. I need to figure out what to do with my day and my fingers and I need to figure out what to do with my poor fish who is swimming around in the tiny cup that I bought him in.

Peace and love, Embrisa.


Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Still Learning

I typed a whole blog out -- took me hours to do.. so i previewed it and thought oh, i want to check it for spelling mistakes, so I hit the back button, well lo' and behold, I lost everything. *sigh* I guess that is why I still prefer my paper diaries anyday.
Nothing gets lost or deleted by accident. *big unhappy face*

Embrisa~

Sunday, April 03, 2005


I Will Eat Your Soul For Dinner! Posted by Hello

Sleep a little sleep, Dream a little Dream.

I tried a little test out today. Since Lano is 8 hours ahead of me or so, I actually waited until it was time for him to go to sleep before I actually tried to sleep. But when I hit the bed, I slept like there was no tomorrow and no strange dreams, or any dreams as far as that goes.. that I can remember anyway. No wild men chasing me. No Demons haunting me. Nothing. When I woke up, I woke up feeling revitalized and happy. No crying tears for hours on end or anything strange.
I feel completely baffled and I wonder what exactly any of this could have to do with Lano. Having been involved with Lano for 5 years, I know that he was involved in satanism and voodoo and other ungodly acts but I thought that was something He gave up long ago.
The only thing I could possibly think is that he directs negative, evil thoughts towards me during my sleep time? But wouldn't a person have to put an awful lot of psychic energy into doing this?
Anyway, in those 5 years, he never went into a lot of details about what he learned, saw, experienced etc when he was a practicing satantist. He always danced around the question. He would only say that you think these people look different from you and I, but they do not. Like I expected them to be running around with a bone sticking out of their nose or something.
I experienced lots of other wierd psychic stuff with Lano, but I won't get into that now. Just wanted to update on how I slept and felt when I slept when Lano slept and got interesting results.
Sleep tight, Embrisa.

Sleepless In Colorado

It was another sleepless night. I think truly I am afraid to sleep. It is not that I am not tired, it is that I fight sleep like a baby would do because I know when I do fall asleep I will visit the land of Hell.
Sometimes I wonder if Lano, or somebody else is behind my bad dreams. I wonder if somebody thinks about you, if you pick up on their thoughts, be they good or bad, if they might affect ones dreams. Interesting thought.
Sometimes it feels if I sleep during the times I know Lano is sleeping, I am not affected by these dreams. Maybe it is all just in my head.
Funny, I've been keeping a dream diary for at least the past 4 or 5 years and I am no closer to understanding my dreams today than I was so many years back and they claim the first process to understanding ones dreams is to keep a journal of them. ha.
Maybe someday I will sleep again.
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Embrisa/Pamela~