I sat tonight, chatting with a friend... and it dawned on me, after all the pain and heart ache I have been through these past 5 years - how will I ever love again? How will I ever heal again to be emotionally available enough to feeling those feelings, to be able to give 100% of myself to another person, when I am so wrapped up in pain and grief?
Though finding and having love in my life is quite high on my list of priorities, because of course we all want to be loved and cared for as well as love another, if one is not emotionally available.. then it is useless and i realized tonight, i may not be emotionally available.. though i wish more than anything to be.
I know what it would take to have closure and to begin healing, and that would be for Lano to tell me goodbye, it is over with. Even though he has not spoken to me for 4 months and one would think I would slowly get over it and move on with my life,but it feels as if I am stuck. It feels as if I need Lano to say, 'it is over, goodbye.' In past converstions I did indeed ask Lano to do that for me, to tell me goodbye but he always denied me.
Perhaps his denying me this shows me exactly what a sadistic prick he really is, by keeping some kind of hold on my heart.. though he wants nothing to do with me, i really do not know.
On another note,
I've been having lots of strange dreams lately.. mostly about weird animals. such as crocodiles or snakes or spiders. A snake bites my spine while indian healers are in the room. Crocodiles are trying to gnaw my feet off whiles swarms of flies are all over me and them and all I can do is go like crazy to save my life. Huge spiders in trees, spinning webs and following me around. Snakes in my house and even call in a pest control man who cannot get rid of them. and on and on... makes me wonder what all these dreams mean, if anything. I guess I will always be the curious one about things like that.
much love and light,
embrisa
