I want to talk to Lano this morning soooo bad I could just scream. Never felt so lonely for anybody in my whole life. My mind keeps seeing his face. Hearing his words and i miss him desperately.
It seems no man can be the friend he was, yet at the same time, make me desire him so much. Every man comes on too strong sexually for me and i do not like that. If he does not come on sexually, then it seems he is just a friend and there is no feelings at all. So all in all, i just miss Lano. I miss who he was and what he did to me and how he made me feel. (When he wasn't drinking that is) ha. *sigh*
Maybe my run in with Mr. Slovenia brought all this on, i do not know. But in general, i find men very piggish, very self -centered, so many things... and they all feel negative.
And some little mouse of a boy, somebody i barely know.. tonight when I had my cam on asked if he could see my cam if he let me see his. I thought okay, what is the big deal. *frowns* Not more than 5 minutes later he was asking if he could whack off on cam while I watched? I said no thank you. He replied, you are very into yourself aren't you?
Maybe i am? Maybe i need to lighten up in the sex area? I just do not know anymore. All my life, even as a teenager all my girlfriends were out getting laid and I was thinking, 'oh, i am going to save myself for my true prince charming' lol.
My prince charming ended up being some guy named 'ken' of all names.. who rode a harley. One of my brothers best friends. I fell madly in love with this guy when I was 12 years old! LOL and I loved him all the way till i was 23 years old.. when he drove me to a field, he was drunk.. basically ripped off my clothes, slobbered on my face these grimey kisses and had his way with me sexually. When he got done, he turned and looked and me and told me was marrying somebody else. pig.
So that is how I lost my virginity. Now i am 43 years old and can count the number of lovers i've had on one hand. I do not regret it either. I seen my friends have unwanted pregnancies, abortions, STD's and every other imaginable thing while I have never had to deal with anything like that.
Anyway, i actually prayed and tried to call lano. LOL. silly crap. But no answer. Just voice mail. I needed to hear his voice so bad but i guess the powers above just don't want that to happen. humph. *Laughs* faith can be so funny sometimes.. I actually got this thing i the mail today.. yes, snail mail.. not email.. it said on it.
1. never step over a broom laying on the floor, if you do and are unmarried you will stay that way. *interesting*
2. When moving into a new home, a loaf of bread and a new broom should be sent in first for good luck. *another interesting one*
3. It is back luck to take a broom across water. *what is it with this broom stuff?*
4. Never lean a broom against a bed?
5. To keep a ghost out, lean a broom against the door jam. *hmmm*
6. to give away a used broom is bad luck?
7. oh, to drop a broom means company is coming. lol.
8. A broom should never be used to sweet dust out of the front door, because it sweeps the luck out with it. *sounds very fung shu'ish to me*
9. Never sweep a house a night. It is an insult to the faeries and the spirits of the dead. *eeeks.. i often vacuum in the night time.*
10...well you get the point i hope. lol.
maybe if i would of thrown the broom out the back door, towards the moon.. and jumped around the yard on one foot Lano would of answered his phone at work? lol.
One never knows. hah.
Enough of my crap babbling for now. I'm going ..
Peace and Love
and watch those brooms..
embrisa/pamela.
Friday, June 03, 2005
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Bloody Tears
When do I stop hurting myself and why do I allow myself to be mangled like a stray mutt on a leash? *hangs her head*
Mr Slovenia came back into my life, yes once again and yes i was a happy happy girl. I have no idea why he makes me so durn happy, but he does. He also has the ability to take my heart right out of my chest and absolutely crush it, mash it and make the tears fall like rain.
He asked me lots of questions. We talked about lots of things. He made sure to tell me right away that while away on a business trip, he slept with a married German woman. How the minute He shook her hand, He got a massive hard-on and could only think about how he could get her into bed. I was not even going to ask and I should not of asked, but like a dummy I did, "so did You sleep with her." and of course, I got the answer I expected.."yes i did."
The tears ran cold and deep. I have not hurt so bad since Lano. I guess somewhere in there I made him very angry at me because He told me I was nothing more than a cum receptile for the Dominant men online. Ahhh.. talk about even more tears. I've always taken great pride in the men I have anything to do with sexually. Always. No man uses me sexually. Vanilla, Dominant, or otherwise. So his words sliced me like a knife cutting me deep.
Things eventually cooled down and we were able to speak like adults again. We talked about some of the things i would like in a Dominant and some of the things He would like as a submissive.
I admitted that I liked Him and that I wanted Him as my Master. He told me nobody ever admitted that to Him before, though He had been in a few D/s relationship online before. He gave me some wonderful examples and in return asked what I would want. I did not think what I wanted in return was much and if He felt He could not give these things then He was welcome to set me Free.
Today everything seemed so different. So cold he did act towards me. I even took time to set up tripod and take the pictures he wanted (and no, not naked ones). I was soundly asleep when He woke up and became active on Yahoo.. i woke up like electricity shot down my spine, happy and bubbly to see Him.. but it was like away I could pick up on his energy and mood. He did not want me around Him.
I want to cry so badly, but really crying does nothing for me. Gets me nowhere but back into my little hole and really why am I crying? Over a man who could care crap about me?
So goodbye Mihec/David. May God Bless the Ground that You Walk Upon ~
I guess people come and go out of ones life on Yahoo just like they do in real life. There are the few who remain always. The ones You can count on through thick and thing, but they are few and few in-between. Sometimes it seems one loses one friend and gains another, I don't know but it is a little weird.
I recently met a fellow in CA who is into very heavy breath play. Plastic bags on head. Mummification. Body Bags, the whole bit. Anything that inhibits ones flow of breath he likes it. Very much a pleasure to chat with.
I've always had some strange attraction to breath play. but some of that stuff just plain scares me, like mummification, etc.
On the other hand, my friend who moved here from the UK.. he has taken on the strangest attitude and personality as of late. It is almost as if he is afraid to be caught talking to me or maybe just pure ashamed. period.
So i've tried to keep my distance.
Todays I start my first Yoga/Tai Chi classes. I guess this first time I will just be with the teacher so he can evulate me to be if I am healthy/flexible etc enough to be in the whole class. If not then I guess I can study with Him once a week in private for just a tad bit more money.
I must run now and take a shower, collect my thoughts and my being and get Mr. Slovenia out of my head.
Will Let You Know How Yoga/Tai Chi went. LOL..
Love and Light,
embrisa/pamela.
Mr Slovenia came back into my life, yes once again and yes i was a happy happy girl. I have no idea why he makes me so durn happy, but he does. He also has the ability to take my heart right out of my chest and absolutely crush it, mash it and make the tears fall like rain.
He asked me lots of questions. We talked about lots of things. He made sure to tell me right away that while away on a business trip, he slept with a married German woman. How the minute He shook her hand, He got a massive hard-on and could only think about how he could get her into bed. I was not even going to ask and I should not of asked, but like a dummy I did, "so did You sleep with her." and of course, I got the answer I expected.."yes i did."
The tears ran cold and deep. I have not hurt so bad since Lano. I guess somewhere in there I made him very angry at me because He told me I was nothing more than a cum receptile for the Dominant men online. Ahhh.. talk about even more tears. I've always taken great pride in the men I have anything to do with sexually. Always. No man uses me sexually. Vanilla, Dominant, or otherwise. So his words sliced me like a knife cutting me deep.
Things eventually cooled down and we were able to speak like adults again. We talked about some of the things i would like in a Dominant and some of the things He would like as a submissive.
I admitted that I liked Him and that I wanted Him as my Master. He told me nobody ever admitted that to Him before, though He had been in a few D/s relationship online before. He gave me some wonderful examples and in return asked what I would want. I did not think what I wanted in return was much and if He felt He could not give these things then He was welcome to set me Free.
Today everything seemed so different. So cold he did act towards me. I even took time to set up tripod and take the pictures he wanted (and no, not naked ones). I was soundly asleep when He woke up and became active on Yahoo.. i woke up like electricity shot down my spine, happy and bubbly to see Him.. but it was like away I could pick up on his energy and mood. He did not want me around Him.
I want to cry so badly, but really crying does nothing for me. Gets me nowhere but back into my little hole and really why am I crying? Over a man who could care crap about me?
He even had the gall to tell me that I could not keep up with him sexually? How could He possibly know this? Because i am unwilling to jump on Him right away on the computer. Because I prefer some kind of bond before I'm off wanking all over the world?
The truly funny part is that I could probably make love circles around Him. I could love Him like He has never ever been loved before and give him more and more, just like I could of with Lano-but he is not man enough to find out.. just wants to play his little game-so I will back away and let him play. I guess in the end, He could not handle a real woman like he thought he could.So goodbye Mihec/David. May God Bless the Ground that You Walk Upon ~
I guess people come and go out of ones life on Yahoo just like they do in real life. There are the few who remain always. The ones You can count on through thick and thing, but they are few and few in-between. Sometimes it seems one loses one friend and gains another, I don't know but it is a little weird.
I recently met a fellow in CA who is into very heavy breath play. Plastic bags on head. Mummification. Body Bags, the whole bit. Anything that inhibits ones flow of breath he likes it. Very much a pleasure to chat with.
I've always had some strange attraction to breath play. but some of that stuff just plain scares me, like mummification, etc.
On the other hand, my friend who moved here from the UK.. he has taken on the strangest attitude and personality as of late. It is almost as if he is afraid to be caught talking to me or maybe just pure ashamed. period.
So i've tried to keep my distance.
Todays I start my first Yoga/Tai Chi classes. I guess this first time I will just be with the teacher so he can evulate me to be if I am healthy/flexible etc enough to be in the whole class. If not then I guess I can study with Him once a week in private for just a tad bit more money.
I must run now and take a shower, collect my thoughts and my being and get Mr. Slovenia out of my head.
Will Let You Know How Yoga/Tai Chi went. LOL..
Love and Light,
embrisa/pamela.
Monday, May 30, 2005
Tulips and Roses
Yesterday it was soooo cold here. Sometimes I wonder if summer will ever get here at all. :-( Even if it is beautiful here in the day time, come evening it gets so windy and cold that one cannot go outside without a sweater. Brrrr. I think it is just the area we live in. Way out east. If lived closer to Denver, would not have these problems.
I went wandering through my local King Soopers grocery store, they have a very nice selection of garden flowers, which I found amazing. I found the most beautiful rose bush for only 12 dollars that was absolutely covered in red roses. I found some other things as well for my flower bed, but the thing that amazed me the most was the rose bush.
Also being the tulip lover that I am, once I got in the store to pay for my garden stuff, they had a lovely assortment of indoor flowers and could not pass up buy myself a big bunch of some sort pinkish purplish tulips, which costed almost as much as my big rose bush.
I went wandering through my local King Soopers grocery store, they have a very nice selection of garden flowers, which I found amazing. I found the most beautiful rose bush for only 12 dollars that was absolutely covered in red roses. I found some other things as well for my flower bed, but the thing that amazed me the most was the rose bush.
Also being the tulip lover that I am, once I got in the store to pay for my garden stuff, they had a lovely assortment of indoor flowers and could not pass up buy myself a big bunch of some sort pinkish purplish tulips, which costed almost as much as my big rose bush.
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