Total Pageviews

Friday, December 30, 2011

Thoughts..


Without the inclination, the yearning would never take seed..
Without taking seed, the blossom would never find Her light.. Without Her light, the flower would not be nourished..
Without nourishment, the withering of the soul begins..
Without the soul, the species becomes hollow and dry..
Without the blossom taken to fruition.. tendered,
treasured, nurtured and loved.. the Gardner has no purpose.
Just a little thought for the night.
Funny how I found this blog again, after many years of not writing here. It happened the other night, I was playing on the web, looking at something.. when poof.. i was taken to an old D/s website that I used to frequent. Something I haven't looked at or even thought about since the last time I wrote here. I gave up on that world and the hopes of ever finding a Master who could love me for me. So much has happened and changed in my life.. some for the better, much of it for the worst.
So, looking for any kind of Master, much less even thinking about sex.. just was not happening. So it surprised me when i landed on that website. Then I hit another key and bam, i was brought here.. back to my old days when I thought I loved somebody named Lano
sooo much. *laughs* and bitched about Dominant men's lack of self-esteem. hah. Too fucking funny.
But it makes me wonder.. why those old thoughts and desires just popped up on my screen.
I miss writing. What I do write, i put it on paper. I've always enjoyed holding paper and pen in my hands vs. punching a keyboard.. any day. Just as i enjoy holding a book when i read vs. reading it over a computer screen.
Anyway, the minute i logged in there.. messages began coming in.. some nice, some still the same old bullshit. The guy/Dom (if you can call him that, cuz in my book he is no Dom, just
an abuser) sends you a note.. "hey bitch.. get down on your knees and worship my cock"
OMG.. I don't even know this person.. never seen him a day in my life.. yet he expects ME to kneel down and worship his dirty cock? blah.. but hey, you know.. you are submissive so you don't say that.. you respond nicely "uhm i'm sorry but i do not know you, so why would i want to worship you in any way?" LOL.. if you can call that nice.. but hey, at least there is some manners in there. Then beep.. another message from the ass.. "blahblahblah.. well in my eyes,even if you don't know me, you should worship my cock and because you won't.. you aren't no damn submissive." So there you have it.. the mentality of wannabes. Yep, they still exist..
what, did i really think that kind of person wouldn't be out, searching for his next victim..
stupid of me to think they wouldn't be around anymore. Maybe i just chose to forget those types of people exist. whatever..
And the lacking of self-confidence.. well, that is still there too. Got a letter from an old man of 65 years old.. so i think OK.. he sounds nice enough.. we share a few letter.. but every time i did not answer immediately, he assumed he had done something wrong. I spent most of my time assuring him he said nothing wrong and that at times I checked my messages while i was at work, if i had minutes to spare.. but it never gave me the time to sit and write out any kind of reply..and when i got home.. i sat down, ate some dinner and vegged out with the TV and the dog i didn't see all day and missed.. and after sitting all day in front of a computer screen while at work, i just didn't feel the urge to sit immediately down in front of a computer just to write him.. so he wouldn't feel he had done something wrong. I mean sheesh. Give me a break. Yet, time after time.. i would write and write.. and i was curious.. so i'd ask him a question about himself.. no answer.. no answer.. just his one line little replies.. cuz he was too busy entertaining every other woman on there that would stroke his puny ass ego. So i asked him, why do you always avoid any questions i asked you. You know what he basically said.. fuck off. He didn't want to know me anymore.. fine. whatever. obviously the old coot had something to hide or he would of spoke about himself and his life, IF he was really interested in getting to know an honest submissive.
Sooo.. another bad thing, just did not disappear.. these so-called Doms and their low self-esteem are still around as well.
What I want to truly know.. is how in the world can a truly Dominant man have zero self-esteem, yet.. still consider himself a Dom. It is a contradiction in and of itself. Pure and simple.
You aren't going to spank my ass if you don't have any self confidence or self-esteem. get real. these are part of all the reasons I left this lifestyle to begin with.. yet, some weird coicidence brings me right back to it.
So here I sit, a broken down submissive..that has run away from the very thing she desires the most.. because of assholes. Should i be more ashamed of them or of myself? I wonder..