As I sit here this 1st day of November, I can hear massive groups of Ducks flying over my house. I suppose they are flying south for the winter, or wherever ducks do go when winter time hits.
I always thought they stuck around since there is a duck hunting season *frowns* and perhaps some ducks do? I have no idea in all honesty LOL. But it is cool to look out the window and see just hundreds of ducks flying, wherever to they are going. They also sound awesome, their cute little 'duck' call. LOL. uhm.
In my last post, I wrote about Dominant men and how most of them do not seem to have any kind of self-confidence. It seems i've been doing a lot of bitching about men as of late and I have no idea why, but for some reason their attitudes and requests are beginning to really irk me off.
For instance, I had a Master in Yahoo send me an IM last evening. He seemed nice enough and we both shared similar feelings on how we thought most people in the D/s scene on Yahoo seem only to be game players. (it seems he has experienced much of what I experience with so-called Dominant men, he experiences with many submissive ladies)
So I thought, okay, this guy sounds nice enough (oh no, not again! not another.. he sounds nice enough...) so we added each other to our buddy lists before I said my goodnights.
When I logged on this afternoon, he was STILL here, so I sent him a little teaser - meant as a joke as I added the hehehe to the end to let him know i was only teasing him.
I got back the most vile message. He told me true submissive women do NOT Laugh!!?? Amongst other crap.. oh geee.
So NOW i am not supposed to laugh cause I am submissive?? What a joke! Who does he think he is anyway? Obviously NOBODY!
By this time i was angry, very angry and I told him that I hope that he searches FOREVER for another submissive - as any lady, submissive or not.. should not allow anybody to take away her gift of laughter.
So many of us submissive ladies online and otherwise, has been hurt badly in our lives and most of us are lucky that we are still able to laugh, that we are able to see the funny things in life and still be able to laugh at it and yet we have some jerk, wanna-be Master? to tell us we are not allowed to laugh if we are indeed true submissives. Who in the h*ll does he think he is anyway?
Everyday the crap only gets deeper and deeper on Yahoo. The men are becoming more and more vile and hateful. They act like they are the gift to all women, heck they are so great they are even a great gift to God Himself!
*shakes her head*
Just one day i'd like to be able to come on here and cheer and yell that I have indeed met a 'real' Master who doesn't have to abuse, who doesn't have to take away or deny a submissive her most tiniest of lifes gifts.
When and if that day ever comes, I shall post it here.. but i am beginning to seriously doubt there is a Master out there like that.
Where is the good men? Where is the laughter and joy that life is supposed to be and bring?
embrisa~ the temptress!
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Sunday, October 02, 2005
Dominant Men
Something that i have noticed about Dominant men as of late.. and that is they have absolutely no self-confidence and very little self-worth.
This bothers me. How can a person call themselves Dominant yet have no self-confidence or self-worth?
I've always known that submissives (most) seem to have common traits but I never realized so did Doms. Perhaps this is just something that online Doms seem to suffer from but how can they even begin to properly Dominate when they cannot even take care of their basic mental functions? How could they possibly take care of mine or my sexuality and why would i even want them to?
To me, a Man or Master who has no self-confidence or self-worth is somebody who:
1. Gets angry if one does not answer them within 1/2 second.
2. They can give criticism, but if you dare say something back to them they get all bent out of shape over it.
3. They are always putting the blame on somebody else but where it rightly belongs.
4. They show any signs of being an abuser.
5. They drink or use drugs excessively.
6. They get bent out of shape if you deny them any kind of sexual encounter.
The list could go on and on, but I don't want to play that game either. We all know what i am talking about.
Oh and something else i found to be very true.. if they run around with a nickname like "gentle Master" or "loving Dom" or any nick that makes them seem nice or loving -- 'usually' they are the exact opposite. I have no idea why this works the way it does, but just from my personal experiences.. if they make claims of being gentle, loving, whatever.. usually they are just full of crap.
With all these losers, it is no wonder i miss Lano, the biggest loser of them all.
LOL - okay, i am done venting for now. When i am not in such a huff I will come back and re-do this so it makes more sense, for now.. i just gotta scream, f*ck off!!!
embrisa
This bothers me. How can a person call themselves Dominant yet have no self-confidence or self-worth?
I've always known that submissives (most) seem to have common traits but I never realized so did Doms. Perhaps this is just something that online Doms seem to suffer from but how can they even begin to properly Dominate when they cannot even take care of their basic mental functions? How could they possibly take care of mine or my sexuality and why would i even want them to?
To me, a Man or Master who has no self-confidence or self-worth is somebody who:
1. Gets angry if one does not answer them within 1/2 second.
2. They can give criticism, but if you dare say something back to them they get all bent out of shape over it.
3. They are always putting the blame on somebody else but where it rightly belongs.
4. They show any signs of being an abuser.
5. They drink or use drugs excessively.
6. They get bent out of shape if you deny them any kind of sexual encounter.
The list could go on and on, but I don't want to play that game either. We all know what i am talking about.
Oh and something else i found to be very true.. if they run around with a nickname like "gentle Master" or "loving Dom" or any nick that makes them seem nice or loving -- 'usually' they are the exact opposite. I have no idea why this works the way it does, but just from my personal experiences.. if they make claims of being gentle, loving, whatever.. usually they are just full of crap.
With all these losers, it is no wonder i miss Lano, the biggest loser of them all.
LOL - okay, i am done venting for now. When i am not in such a huff I will come back and re-do this so it makes more sense, for now.. i just gotta scream, f*ck off!!!
embrisa
Friday, September 23, 2005
Falling Out Of Love~
I got the absolutely best advice I had ever received from a person I did not even know.
I wrote some silly thing about "How i cannot stop thinking about Him." along with hundreds of other ladies and it seems my particular little piece got picked out, and answered by a man (or maybe an angel?) and in his comment to me, he stated that we all can fall in love.. but the real test comes when we must 'fall out of love'.
There was much more said, yes, but the thing that caught my eye and has brought about extremely rapid healing for me was the 'falling out of love' thing.
I guess through out it all, I knew that i loved deeply.. but i had some idea in my head that once you love, you always love.. and on some level that is very true. BUT there is a difference between loving somebody and 'being' in love with somebody.
This little statement hit me like a firecracker. It made me realize how important it was for me to 'fall out of love' with him even though somewhere in my heart i will always love him. I know, i know.. it all sounds very confusing but really it is not.
Since that day, I have not spent more than perhaps 5 minutes a day thinking about HIM. When i find my thoughts going to HIM, i gently stir them away and remind myself that he left me long ago and there is no need for me to 'keep being in love' with him. That i also want happiness in my life and will never find it as long as I remained stuck with this out-dated mode of thinking.
It is so hard to explain exactly how and why these few little words impacted my whole being the way they did, but I have not shed one tear over him, i have not laid in bed cuddling my pillow wishing it was him, etc. I have completely let go and have let the healing process begin and it feels wonderful. Like these chains have been released from my poor, beaten up heart - finally.. and i can breath again, smile again, eat again without everything I do reminding me of HIM.
So if anybody should ever read this who is experiencing the same sort of problem, who feels that love lasts forever.. remember that there IS a difference between 'being in love' with them and a more 'generalized' love because of the times the two of you did share in life. The smiles, the tears, the whispered secrets.. will always cause you to bond to somebody but don't stay and keep your heart in that terror when he has clearly moved on, as it will break your soul, your heart and make you emotionally unavailable for perhaps a new, much better friend and lover in the future.
And to the person who shared this small, but valuable advice with me, I have no idea if you ever read this.. but you will never have no idea how your words of advice has impacted my soul and mind and released me to start healing. (something i thought would never happen)
To me, YOU are an angel in disguise.
Also, to all my friends.. the old ones and the new ones, the close ones and not-so-close ones.. I'd like to say thank you for sticking by me while I went through (and perhaps still am, since complete healing takes time) my self-made hell. But I see the light.. so thank you, thank you.. to those who always stood by me. I love and appreciate You all soooo much.
May God bless YOU,
embrisa/pamela.
Monday, September 05, 2005
How Do I Know?
I sat tonight, chatting with a friend... and it dawned on me, after all the pain and heart ache I have been through these past 5 years - how will I ever love again? How will I ever heal again to be emotionally available enough to feeling those feelings, to be able to give 100% of myself to another person, when I am so wrapped up in pain and grief?
Though finding and having love in my life is quite high on my list of priorities, because of course we all want to be loved and cared for as well as love another, if one is not emotionally available.. then it is useless and i realized tonight, i may not be emotionally available.. though i wish more than anything to be.
I know what it would take to have closure and to begin healing, and that would be for Lano to tell me goodbye, it is over with. Even though he has not spoken to me for 4 months and one would think I would slowly get over it and move on with my life,but it feels as if I am stuck. It feels as if I need Lano to say, 'it is over, goodbye.' In past converstions I did indeed ask Lano to do that for me, to tell me goodbye but he always denied me.
Perhaps his denying me this shows me exactly what a sadistic prick he really is, by keeping some kind of hold on my heart.. though he wants nothing to do with me, i really do not know.
On another note,
I've been having lots of strange dreams lately.. mostly about weird animals. such as crocodiles or snakes or spiders. A snake bites my spine while indian healers are in the room. Crocodiles are trying to gnaw my feet off whiles swarms of flies are all over me and them and all I can do is go like crazy to save my life. Huge spiders in trees, spinning webs and following me around. Snakes in my house and even call in a pest control man who cannot get rid of them. and on and on... makes me wonder what all these dreams mean, if anything. I guess I will always be the curious one about things like that.
much love and light,
embrisa
Though finding and having love in my life is quite high on my list of priorities, because of course we all want to be loved and cared for as well as love another, if one is not emotionally available.. then it is useless and i realized tonight, i may not be emotionally available.. though i wish more than anything to be.
I know what it would take to have closure and to begin healing, and that would be for Lano to tell me goodbye, it is over with. Even though he has not spoken to me for 4 months and one would think I would slowly get over it and move on with my life,but it feels as if I am stuck. It feels as if I need Lano to say, 'it is over, goodbye.' In past converstions I did indeed ask Lano to do that for me, to tell me goodbye but he always denied me.
Perhaps his denying me this shows me exactly what a sadistic prick he really is, by keeping some kind of hold on my heart.. though he wants nothing to do with me, i really do not know.
On another note,
I've been having lots of strange dreams lately.. mostly about weird animals. such as crocodiles or snakes or spiders. A snake bites my spine while indian healers are in the room. Crocodiles are trying to gnaw my feet off whiles swarms of flies are all over me and them and all I can do is go like crazy to save my life. Huge spiders in trees, spinning webs and following me around. Snakes in my house and even call in a pest control man who cannot get rid of them. and on and on... makes me wonder what all these dreams mean, if anything. I guess I will always be the curious one about things like that.
much love and light,
embrisa
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Submission and Love
I never realized how alike submissive women think...
lately i've been reading some blogs from submissive women and it seems blog after blog, submissive women seem to love deeper, feel deeper, have nearly the same wounds etc. I never knew this till recently. I find it in some way uplifting to know there are others out there who think and feel the way i do, yet, i know it is hellish.. so i feel a deep sense of saddness for all of us in this same boat.
So often i want to write to them and tell them how they are not alone and a few survival techniques i have learned a long the way.. especially when we start questioning if God actually loves us and if so why do we suffer so deeply etc.
BUT, being in the same shoes, i understand that getting words from a stranger is not what we need.. regardless of how understanding those words may be or not.
What we do need is understanding and love from those closest to us. A simple touch. A small smile..but often so many of us do not even have that in our lives. Nobody to count on. Nobody to listen. Nobody to hold us when we need to be held.
Oh well, maybe someday I will figure it all out. I will figure out how to stop all suffering within myself. How to love just 'enough' instead of too much. How to bare witness to my suffering as a means of release.
Until later,
embrisa/pamela.
btw, i still love You Lano. :(
Saturday, August 13, 2005
Walking Through A Door!
Do we have a passion in life that helps us find our own morality? Hmm interesting question.
A light in the darkness, conjured out of Love!
Do You have a Dental Plan? If Not, get a hold of me. It is cheap and worth it.
Pamela :)
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Summer Break
It has been some time since I have wrote here. I guess I needed a break from the writing and the web in general as I have not really logged on Yahoo or anywhere.
My summer I spent trying to straighten myself out a bit. It is hard to believe it is almost the middle of August and before I know it it will be snowing here in Colorado, just a few short months away. uggh.
Alot has changed for me. I am still steadily losing weight. I hardly recognize myself anymore when I look in the mirror. Men actually look at me now and flirt with me and I love being able to fit into clothes that I never could of dreamed of wearing before.
I have also been seeing a psychologist now for a couple months, perhaps a little longer. I'm not sure if it has helped me or not, but it does give me somebody to talk to and somebody I can sit and cry in front of that does not back away from me or feel she has to say anything to me, which was kind of strange at first but really it is not so bad to have somebody focused on you and listening. (One can hope they are listening anyway.)
We've talked about so many things regarding me, I actually understand myself a bit more now than I ever did in the past and the last time I met with her I actually talked to her about Lano. It was embarassing to admit that I fell in love with a man over the internet, somebody I had never met before.. but spoke to for 5 years of my life. She helped me understand why I could of fell in love with somebody like him and reminded me that I did not need a man in my life who drank excessively or one who could not live up to his words.
We also spoke about how I felt it might of been my fault that things never worked out because I never got up and followed my dreams and went to south africa. Of course, He's always said I was invited there, but even with that he never followed through.. so it was not my fault at all that I never went to south africa.
Sometimes it is strange to have somebody put things into reality for you when you just cannot see it.
I still walk around cursing him out under my breath and hating him for what he's done to me. I actually tried to call his home a few weeks ago, but like usual his mother told me he was not at home, he was at his uncles. Yeah, uh huh... tell me more bull crap lies. I doubt Lano is any place where he cannot drink like the little pig that he is.
Enough of that. I also got a job. *faints* only working part time and am trying to get another at the moment, something that would make me much more happier. So I have my fingers crossed that it comes through for me.
I hope everybody in the blogging world is hanging tuff. I miss reading my favorite bloggs and keeping up with the people that I loved to hear about.
May peace and love always surround You and guide You,
Pamela/embrisa.
My summer I spent trying to straighten myself out a bit. It is hard to believe it is almost the middle of August and before I know it it will be snowing here in Colorado, just a few short months away. uggh.
Alot has changed for me. I am still steadily losing weight. I hardly recognize myself anymore when I look in the mirror. Men actually look at me now and flirt with me and I love being able to fit into clothes that I never could of dreamed of wearing before.
I have also been seeing a psychologist now for a couple months, perhaps a little longer. I'm not sure if it has helped me or not, but it does give me somebody to talk to and somebody I can sit and cry in front of that does not back away from me or feel she has to say anything to me, which was kind of strange at first but really it is not so bad to have somebody focused on you and listening. (One can hope they are listening anyway.)
We've talked about so many things regarding me, I actually understand myself a bit more now than I ever did in the past and the last time I met with her I actually talked to her about Lano. It was embarassing to admit that I fell in love with a man over the internet, somebody I had never met before.. but spoke to for 5 years of my life. She helped me understand why I could of fell in love with somebody like him and reminded me that I did not need a man in my life who drank excessively or one who could not live up to his words.
We also spoke about how I felt it might of been my fault that things never worked out because I never got up and followed my dreams and went to south africa. Of course, He's always said I was invited there, but even with that he never followed through.. so it was not my fault at all that I never went to south africa.
Sometimes it is strange to have somebody put things into reality for you when you just cannot see it.
I still walk around cursing him out under my breath and hating him for what he's done to me. I actually tried to call his home a few weeks ago, but like usual his mother told me he was not at home, he was at his uncles. Yeah, uh huh... tell me more bull crap lies. I doubt Lano is any place where he cannot drink like the little pig that he is.
Enough of that. I also got a job. *faints* only working part time and am trying to get another at the moment, something that would make me much more happier. So I have my fingers crossed that it comes through for me.
I hope everybody in the blogging world is hanging tuff. I miss reading my favorite bloggs and keeping up with the people that I loved to hear about.
May peace and love always surround You and guide You,
Pamela/embrisa.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
In A fish Bowl
Lets see what all is new in my boring, sad, confusing, mixed-up, lonely life.
The other day I got an e-mail, hmm a rather popular one that gives hints and tips about windows. For two weeks in a row now their main article was about blogging. Of all things to write about. I guess the government is going to start *watching* it or something -- like if they don't already have their nose in every other little thing we do.
I wish I had not deleted the articles, darn.. they were pretty news worthy I thought. I guess I just was not thinking at the time. To make a long story short they asked readers to write in with their thoughts on blogging, if they thought it was a waste of space, etc. If they read blogs, la de da de da.
I think most people thought blogging was not a waste of space but did not have the time nor the energy to go out and find the good blogs to read and the two most popular blogs were personal Journals and Journalism type blogs.
Oh well, just some interesting tid bits I thought I might share.
I still get lonely alot for Lano. In a couple days will be his birthday. June 20th 1971. He's getting to be an old man. hahah.
I wrote His mother an e-mail and asked her to tell Him Happy Birthday for me. If she will actually do it, I do not know. I can only hope there is an ounce of goodness left in her.
Lets see, Mr Kosevia (is that how you spell it?) lol. Mica, whatever He wishes to call himself. He actually spoke to me again after I intiatiated a conversation with him.
He was as cold as an ice cube, like if i had actually done something to him, besides try to like him. haha. I guess that qualifies as having somebody hate you...
He told me that "W/we just could not be" because he was looking for a sexual relationship. So i guess i was just not sexual enough for him. *shakes her head* too bad for me. I personally would not want a man who has to stick his thing in everything living thing that moves anyway. As they say, not only are you having sex with the person but you are also having sex with every other person they ever had sex with as well.
So it is cool. I don't ever want Aids or some other weird disease.
Feels like I have so much to say that I don't know where to begin, so I will 'end' instead for now.
Love and Light,
embrisa.
The other day I got an e-mail, hmm a rather popular one that gives hints and tips about windows. For two weeks in a row now their main article was about blogging. Of all things to write about. I guess the government is going to start *watching* it or something -- like if they don't already have their nose in every other little thing we do.
I wish I had not deleted the articles, darn.. they were pretty news worthy I thought. I guess I just was not thinking at the time. To make a long story short they asked readers to write in with their thoughts on blogging, if they thought it was a waste of space, etc. If they read blogs, la de da de da.
I think most people thought blogging was not a waste of space but did not have the time nor the energy to go out and find the good blogs to read and the two most popular blogs were personal Journals and Journalism type blogs.
Oh well, just some interesting tid bits I thought I might share.
I still get lonely alot for Lano. In a couple days will be his birthday. June 20th 1971. He's getting to be an old man. hahah.
I wrote His mother an e-mail and asked her to tell Him Happy Birthday for me. If she will actually do it, I do not know. I can only hope there is an ounce of goodness left in her.
Lets see, Mr Kosevia (is that how you spell it?) lol. Mica, whatever He wishes to call himself. He actually spoke to me again after I intiatiated a conversation with him.
He was as cold as an ice cube, like if i had actually done something to him, besides try to like him. haha. I guess that qualifies as having somebody hate you...
He told me that "W/we just could not be" because he was looking for a sexual relationship. So i guess i was just not sexual enough for him. *shakes her head* too bad for me. I personally would not want a man who has to stick his thing in everything living thing that moves anyway. As they say, not only are you having sex with the person but you are also having sex with every other person they ever had sex with as well.
So it is cool. I don't ever want Aids or some other weird disease.
Feels like I have so much to say that I don't know where to begin, so I will 'end' instead for now.
Love and Light,
embrisa.
Sunday, June 05, 2005
Border Line!
Well I stayed up all night Saturday night, like a bloody fool, trying to get ahold of Lano. I guess his mommie must of been gone, because nobody answered the phone there and depending upon Lano's mood, he may or may not answer.
I guess he must of had some idea it was me who was calling and just did not want to deal with it or me. Always did tell me not many people dial their home phone number, most dial his mothers cell phone if wanted to get in touch with them. *shrugs* I on the other hand will not call his mothers cell phone, i'd rather puke first. Odd how i used to like that woman.
I guess he must of had some idea it was me who was calling and just did not want to deal with it or me. Always did tell me not many people dial their home phone number, most dial his mothers cell phone if wanted to get in touch with them. *shrugs* I on the other hand will not call his mothers cell phone, i'd rather puke first. Odd how i used to like that woman.
I really don't know what to say about it. It is obvious he does not love him as I do love him and I guess nor has he never. I cannot sit here and feel sorry for myself obviously but it would help if the truth would stick with me and I were able to move along, once and for all. 
Maybe someday my heart will catch up with my mind, i just do not know. I just know that it hurts alot and he is a dirty dog for lying the way he did for so long. But again, it does not help to put him down or hold grudges, not if one wants to live in a state of Grace.
I guess he did what he had to do. I guess he lied because he felt he had to lie and that is that.
I'm going to curl up in my nice warm sheets and comforter and try to not cry myself to sleep.
Love & Light to You All.
embrisa/pamela.
Friday, June 03, 2005
My Little World
I want to talk to Lano this morning soooo bad I could just scream. Never felt so lonely for anybody in my whole life. My mind keeps seeing his face. Hearing his words and i miss him desperately.
It seems no man can be the friend he was, yet at the same time, make me desire him so much. Every man comes on too strong sexually for me and i do not like that. If he does not come on sexually, then it seems he is just a friend and there is no feelings at all. So all in all, i just miss Lano. I miss who he was and what he did to me and how he made me feel. (When he wasn't drinking that is) ha. *sigh*
Maybe my run in with Mr. Slovenia brought all this on, i do not know. But in general, i find men very piggish, very self -centered, so many things... and they all feel negative.
And some little mouse of a boy, somebody i barely know.. tonight when I had my cam on asked if he could see my cam if he let me see his. I thought okay, what is the big deal. *frowns* Not more than 5 minutes later he was asking if he could whack off on cam while I watched? I said no thank you. He replied, you are very into yourself aren't you?
Maybe i am? Maybe i need to lighten up in the sex area? I just do not know anymore. All my life, even as a teenager all my girlfriends were out getting laid and I was thinking, 'oh, i am going to save myself for my true prince charming' lol.
My prince charming ended up being some guy named 'ken' of all names.. who rode a harley. One of my brothers best friends. I fell madly in love with this guy when I was 12 years old! LOL and I loved him all the way till i was 23 years old.. when he drove me to a field, he was drunk.. basically ripped off my clothes, slobbered on my face these grimey kisses and had his way with me sexually. When he got done, he turned and looked and me and told me was marrying somebody else. pig.
So that is how I lost my virginity. Now i am 43 years old and can count the number of lovers i've had on one hand. I do not regret it either. I seen my friends have unwanted pregnancies, abortions, STD's and every other imaginable thing while I have never had to deal with anything like that.
Anyway, i actually prayed and tried to call lano. LOL. silly crap. But no answer. Just voice mail. I needed to hear his voice so bad but i guess the powers above just don't want that to happen. humph. *Laughs* faith can be so funny sometimes.. I actually got this thing i the mail today.. yes, snail mail.. not email.. it said on it.
1. never step over a broom laying on the floor, if you do and are unmarried you will stay that way. *interesting*
2. When moving into a new home, a loaf of bread and a new broom should be sent in first for good luck. *another interesting one*
3. It is back luck to take a broom across water. *what is it with this broom stuff?*
4. Never lean a broom against a bed?
5. To keep a ghost out, lean a broom against the door jam. *hmmm*
6. to give away a used broom is bad luck?
7. oh, to drop a broom means company is coming. lol.
8. A broom should never be used to sweet dust out of the front door, because it sweeps the luck out with it. *sounds very fung shu'ish to me*
9. Never sweep a house a night. It is an insult to the faeries and the spirits of the dead. *eeeks.. i often vacuum in the night time.*
10...well you get the point i hope. lol.
maybe if i would of thrown the broom out the back door, towards the moon.. and jumped around the yard on one foot Lano would of answered his phone at work? lol.
One never knows. hah.
Enough of my crap babbling for now. I'm going ..
Peace and Love
and watch those brooms..
embrisa/pamela.
It seems no man can be the friend he was, yet at the same time, make me desire him so much. Every man comes on too strong sexually for me and i do not like that. If he does not come on sexually, then it seems he is just a friend and there is no feelings at all. So all in all, i just miss Lano. I miss who he was and what he did to me and how he made me feel. (When he wasn't drinking that is) ha. *sigh*
Maybe my run in with Mr. Slovenia brought all this on, i do not know. But in general, i find men very piggish, very self -centered, so many things... and they all feel negative.
And some little mouse of a boy, somebody i barely know.. tonight when I had my cam on asked if he could see my cam if he let me see his. I thought okay, what is the big deal. *frowns* Not more than 5 minutes later he was asking if he could whack off on cam while I watched? I said no thank you. He replied, you are very into yourself aren't you?
Maybe i am? Maybe i need to lighten up in the sex area? I just do not know anymore. All my life, even as a teenager all my girlfriends were out getting laid and I was thinking, 'oh, i am going to save myself for my true prince charming' lol.
My prince charming ended up being some guy named 'ken' of all names.. who rode a harley. One of my brothers best friends. I fell madly in love with this guy when I was 12 years old! LOL and I loved him all the way till i was 23 years old.. when he drove me to a field, he was drunk.. basically ripped off my clothes, slobbered on my face these grimey kisses and had his way with me sexually. When he got done, he turned and looked and me and told me was marrying somebody else. pig.
So that is how I lost my virginity. Now i am 43 years old and can count the number of lovers i've had on one hand. I do not regret it either. I seen my friends have unwanted pregnancies, abortions, STD's and every other imaginable thing while I have never had to deal with anything like that.
Anyway, i actually prayed and tried to call lano. LOL. silly crap. But no answer. Just voice mail. I needed to hear his voice so bad but i guess the powers above just don't want that to happen. humph. *Laughs* faith can be so funny sometimes.. I actually got this thing i the mail today.. yes, snail mail.. not email.. it said on it.
1. never step over a broom laying on the floor, if you do and are unmarried you will stay that way. *interesting*
2. When moving into a new home, a loaf of bread and a new broom should be sent in first for good luck. *another interesting one*
3. It is back luck to take a broom across water. *what is it with this broom stuff?*
4. Never lean a broom against a bed?
5. To keep a ghost out, lean a broom against the door jam. *hmmm*
6. to give away a used broom is bad luck?
7. oh, to drop a broom means company is coming. lol.
8. A broom should never be used to sweet dust out of the front door, because it sweeps the luck out with it. *sounds very fung shu'ish to me*
9. Never sweep a house a night. It is an insult to the faeries and the spirits of the dead. *eeeks.. i often vacuum in the night time.*
10...well you get the point i hope. lol.
maybe if i would of thrown the broom out the back door, towards the moon.. and jumped around the yard on one foot Lano would of answered his phone at work? lol.
One never knows. hah.
Enough of my crap babbling for now. I'm going ..
Peace and Love
and watch those brooms..
embrisa/pamela.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Bloody Tears
When do I stop hurting myself and why do I allow myself to be mangled like a stray mutt on a leash? *hangs her head*
Mr Slovenia came back into my life, yes once again and yes i was a happy happy girl. I have no idea why he makes me so durn happy, but he does. He also has the ability to take my heart right out of my chest and absolutely crush it, mash it and make the tears fall like rain.
He asked me lots of questions. We talked about lots of things. He made sure to tell me right away that while away on a business trip, he slept with a married German woman. How the minute He shook her hand, He got a massive hard-on and could only think about how he could get her into bed. I was not even going to ask and I should not of asked, but like a dummy I did, "so did You sleep with her." and of course, I got the answer I expected.."yes i did."
The tears ran cold and deep. I have not hurt so bad since Lano. I guess somewhere in there I made him very angry at me because He told me I was nothing more than a cum receptile for the Dominant men online. Ahhh.. talk about even more tears. I've always taken great pride in the men I have anything to do with sexually. Always. No man uses me sexually. Vanilla, Dominant, or otherwise. So his words sliced me like a knife cutting me deep.
Things eventually cooled down and we were able to speak like adults again. We talked about some of the things i would like in a Dominant and some of the things He would like as a submissive.
I admitted that I liked Him and that I wanted Him as my Master. He told me nobody ever admitted that to Him before, though He had been in a few D/s relationship online before. He gave me some wonderful examples and in return asked what I would want. I did not think what I wanted in return was much and if He felt He could not give these things then He was welcome to set me Free.
Today everything seemed so different. So cold he did act towards me. I even took time to set up tripod and take the pictures he wanted (and no, not naked ones). I was soundly asleep when He woke up and became active on Yahoo.. i woke up like electricity shot down my spine, happy and bubbly to see Him.. but it was like away I could pick up on his energy and mood. He did not want me around Him.
I want to cry so badly, but really crying does nothing for me. Gets me nowhere but back into my little hole and really why am I crying? Over a man who could care crap about me?
So goodbye Mihec/David. May God Bless the Ground that You Walk Upon ~
I guess people come and go out of ones life on Yahoo just like they do in real life. There are the few who remain always. The ones You can count on through thick and thing, but they are few and few in-between. Sometimes it seems one loses one friend and gains another, I don't know but it is a little weird.
I recently met a fellow in CA who is into very heavy breath play. Plastic bags on head. Mummification. Body Bags, the whole bit. Anything that inhibits ones flow of breath he likes it. Very much a pleasure to chat with.
I've always had some strange attraction to breath play. but some of that stuff just plain scares me, like mummification, etc.
On the other hand, my friend who moved here from the UK.. he has taken on the strangest attitude and personality as of late. It is almost as if he is afraid to be caught talking to me or maybe just pure ashamed. period.
So i've tried to keep my distance.
Todays I start my first Yoga/Tai Chi classes. I guess this first time I will just be with the teacher so he can evulate me to be if I am healthy/flexible etc enough to be in the whole class. If not then I guess I can study with Him once a week in private for just a tad bit more money.
I must run now and take a shower, collect my thoughts and my being and get Mr. Slovenia out of my head.
Will Let You Know How Yoga/Tai Chi went. LOL..
Love and Light,
embrisa/pamela.
Mr Slovenia came back into my life, yes once again and yes i was a happy happy girl. I have no idea why he makes me so durn happy, but he does. He also has the ability to take my heart right out of my chest and absolutely crush it, mash it and make the tears fall like rain.
He asked me lots of questions. We talked about lots of things. He made sure to tell me right away that while away on a business trip, he slept with a married German woman. How the minute He shook her hand, He got a massive hard-on and could only think about how he could get her into bed. I was not even going to ask and I should not of asked, but like a dummy I did, "so did You sleep with her." and of course, I got the answer I expected.."yes i did."
The tears ran cold and deep. I have not hurt so bad since Lano. I guess somewhere in there I made him very angry at me because He told me I was nothing more than a cum receptile for the Dominant men online. Ahhh.. talk about even more tears. I've always taken great pride in the men I have anything to do with sexually. Always. No man uses me sexually. Vanilla, Dominant, or otherwise. So his words sliced me like a knife cutting me deep.
Things eventually cooled down and we were able to speak like adults again. We talked about some of the things i would like in a Dominant and some of the things He would like as a submissive.
I admitted that I liked Him and that I wanted Him as my Master. He told me nobody ever admitted that to Him before, though He had been in a few D/s relationship online before. He gave me some wonderful examples and in return asked what I would want. I did not think what I wanted in return was much and if He felt He could not give these things then He was welcome to set me Free.
Today everything seemed so different. So cold he did act towards me. I even took time to set up tripod and take the pictures he wanted (and no, not naked ones). I was soundly asleep when He woke up and became active on Yahoo.. i woke up like electricity shot down my spine, happy and bubbly to see Him.. but it was like away I could pick up on his energy and mood. He did not want me around Him.
I want to cry so badly, but really crying does nothing for me. Gets me nowhere but back into my little hole and really why am I crying? Over a man who could care crap about me?
He even had the gall to tell me that I could not keep up with him sexually? How could He possibly know this? Because i am unwilling to jump on Him right away on the computer. Because I prefer some kind of bond before I'm off wanking all over the world?
The truly funny part is that I could probably make love circles around Him. I could love Him like He has never ever been loved before and give him more and more, just like I could of with Lano-but he is not man enough to find out.. just wants to play his little game-so I will back away and let him play. I guess in the end, He could not handle a real woman like he thought he could.So goodbye Mihec/David. May God Bless the Ground that You Walk Upon ~
I guess people come and go out of ones life on Yahoo just like they do in real life. There are the few who remain always. The ones You can count on through thick and thing, but they are few and few in-between. Sometimes it seems one loses one friend and gains another, I don't know but it is a little weird.
I recently met a fellow in CA who is into very heavy breath play. Plastic bags on head. Mummification. Body Bags, the whole bit. Anything that inhibits ones flow of breath he likes it. Very much a pleasure to chat with.
I've always had some strange attraction to breath play. but some of that stuff just plain scares me, like mummification, etc.
On the other hand, my friend who moved here from the UK.. he has taken on the strangest attitude and personality as of late. It is almost as if he is afraid to be caught talking to me or maybe just pure ashamed. period.
So i've tried to keep my distance.
Todays I start my first Yoga/Tai Chi classes. I guess this first time I will just be with the teacher so he can evulate me to be if I am healthy/flexible etc enough to be in the whole class. If not then I guess I can study with Him once a week in private for just a tad bit more money.
I must run now and take a shower, collect my thoughts and my being and get Mr. Slovenia out of my head.
Will Let You Know How Yoga/Tai Chi went. LOL..
Love and Light,
embrisa/pamela.
Monday, May 30, 2005
Tulips and Roses
Yesterday it was soooo cold here. Sometimes I wonder if summer will ever get here at all. :-( Even if it is beautiful here in the day time, come evening it gets so windy and cold that one cannot go outside without a sweater. Brrrr. I think it is just the area we live in. Way out east. If lived closer to Denver, would not have these problems.
I went wandering through my local King Soopers grocery store, they have a very nice selection of garden flowers, which I found amazing. I found the most beautiful rose bush for only 12 dollars that was absolutely covered in red roses. I found some other things as well for my flower bed, but the thing that amazed me the most was the rose bush.
Also being the tulip lover that I am, once I got in the store to pay for my garden stuff, they had a lovely assortment of indoor flowers and could not pass up buy myself a big bunch of some sort pinkish purplish tulips, which costed almost as much as my big rose bush.
I went wandering through my local King Soopers grocery store, they have a very nice selection of garden flowers, which I found amazing. I found the most beautiful rose bush for only 12 dollars that was absolutely covered in red roses. I found some other things as well for my flower bed, but the thing that amazed me the most was the rose bush.
Also being the tulip lover that I am, once I got in the store to pay for my garden stuff, they had a lovely assortment of indoor flowers and could not pass up buy myself a big bunch of some sort pinkish purplish tulips, which costed almost as much as my big rose bush.
Saturday, May 28, 2005
just_friend235
Creeps on Yahoo always tend to pop up out of nowhere, pretend to be your friend and strike you like a snake.
Been talking to somebody named just_friend235 on and off for awhile now, guess I pissed him off cause I would never turn my cam on for him like he wanted. So today I was eating lunch, he asked me what I was doing, told him I was eating lunch.. he said a BBW is eating? That is not all he said. His comments got very rude and crude and he got very mean, all the while saying he liked heavier women. Why? So he can abuse them?
I absolutely hate people who think that because one has some extra weight on themselves all they do is sit around all day long and stuff their faces. In fact, most days I am lucky if I eat one meal a day. But on my mother side of the family, almost all the women have carried extra weight.
At least physicians these days realize that weight can be genetic. So for those of us who have carried extra weight all of our lives.. we have at least made baby steps in the medical community.
So to those of you who snicker behind fat/heavy people's backs. To those of you who teach your children to laugh at fat people.. well shame on you. God made all of us different, just like He made different skin colors.
Love,
embrisa/pamela
Been talking to somebody named just_friend235 on and off for awhile now, guess I pissed him off cause I would never turn my cam on for him like he wanted. So today I was eating lunch, he asked me what I was doing, told him I was eating lunch.. he said a BBW is eating? That is not all he said. His comments got very rude and crude and he got very mean, all the while saying he liked heavier women. Why? So he can abuse them?
I absolutely hate people who think that because one has some extra weight on themselves all they do is sit around all day long and stuff their faces. In fact, most days I am lucky if I eat one meal a day. But on my mother side of the family, almost all the women have carried extra weight.
At least physicians these days realize that weight can be genetic. So for those of us who have carried extra weight all of our lives.. we have at least made baby steps in the medical community.
So to those of you who snicker behind fat/heavy people's backs. To those of you who teach your children to laugh at fat people.. well shame on you. God made all of us different, just like He made different skin colors.
Love,
embrisa/pamela
Missing You..
I slept really well last night, I guess because I had a full day yesterday. With only having a few hours sleep the night before, before I had to wake up and go to the Ophthalmologist and finding out I now need a low level reading reading glasses mixed in with my normal glasses. blah. Which kind of sucked since I had to go spend $600 bucks on two pair of glasses, one being just a semi-cheap pair of sunglasses.
I did wake up to the phone ringing, but by the time I reached it they were gone. I knew it was my roommate cause of caller ID, I guess calling to tell me would not be going to see my mother and father's grave with me but would be working instead. When returned the phone call, that is what it was indeed.
I felt very messy emotionally and had to sit and cry for awhile. I knew in my heart I missed Lano very badly. I even tried to call his phone number and let it ring a few times before hanging up, surely did not want his mother to answer. Don't know why I rang it in the first place. Maybe I thought on some wayyyyy out level he missed me too and would dash to the phone to answer it. Yeahhh right. *smirks* like that would actually happen. Well, one can always dream I guess.
Anyway, after waking up and clearing the cobwebs from my brain the tears quit and I became more myself again. Got fresh water and some fresh summer air, felt much better.
Is love truly worth this heartache?
The heart knows....
Love and Light,
embrisa/pamela
I did wake up to the phone ringing, but by the time I reached it they were gone. I knew it was my roommate cause of caller ID, I guess calling to tell me would not be going to see my mother and father's grave with me but would be working instead. When returned the phone call, that is what it was indeed.
I felt very messy emotionally and had to sit and cry for awhile. I knew in my heart I missed Lano very badly. I even tried to call his phone number and let it ring a few times before hanging up, surely did not want his mother to answer. Don't know why I rang it in the first place. Maybe I thought on some wayyyyy out level he missed me too and would dash to the phone to answer it. Yeahhh right. *smirks* like that would actually happen. Well, one can always dream I guess.
Anyway, after waking up and clearing the cobwebs from my brain the tears quit and I became more myself again. Got fresh water and some fresh summer air, felt much better.
Is love truly worth this heartache?
The heart knows....
Love and Light,
embrisa/pamela
Friday, May 27, 2005
Early Morning Blues
Well, I slept for a few minutes, sitting up like normal. *big frown* Woke up again with a fried neck. What I would not give for a massage. Ahhh that would feel soooo nice.
I have an appointment at the eye clinic at the Hospital at 9:30 am this morning, that means if I go to sleep now I would get approximately 2 hours of sleep. *laughs* boy oh boy. And unfortunately I do not feel like sleeping though I have a splitting headache. Probably from my poor sleeping habits and my neck ache.
Today while I am at the hospital I am going to find out about some massage therapy as well as accupunture and doing some classes on Tai Chi. I know the hospital used to offer them but then enough people were not interested. Perhaps they started them back up again. All I can do is check it out.
If not, perhaps that is some kind of place around town here that offers Tai Chi classes. *ponders.
Had a really busy day yesterday, spent most of it in the yard.. Taking care of plants and grass and things. I even had myself a barbecue. They are never much fun alone but the food was good. Made myself chicken and corn on the cob. Marinated the chicken in some kind of concoction I made up half the day before I put it on the grill. LOL.
Also, it was so funny, the grill is a small gas grill and I use foil. Well the chicken stuck to the foil, regardless of my constant turning of the stupid stuff and put little holes in the foil. *laughs* and the grease dripped down onto the little lava rocks and poof.. had big fire coming up from barbecue. Would not go down for nothing.
I need rest. Will write more later.
Love and Light,
embrisa/pamela
I have an appointment at the eye clinic at the Hospital at 9:30 am this morning, that means if I go to sleep now I would get approximately 2 hours of sleep. *laughs* boy oh boy. And unfortunately I do not feel like sleeping though I have a splitting headache. Probably from my poor sleeping habits and my neck ache.
Today while I am at the hospital I am going to find out about some massage therapy as well as accupunture and doing some classes on Tai Chi. I know the hospital used to offer them but then enough people were not interested. Perhaps they started them back up again. All I can do is check it out.
If not, perhaps that is some kind of place around town here that offers Tai Chi classes. *ponders.
Had a really busy day yesterday, spent most of it in the yard.. Taking care of plants and grass and things. I even had myself a barbecue. They are never much fun alone but the food was good. Made myself chicken and corn on the cob. Marinated the chicken in some kind of concoction I made up half the day before I put it on the grill. LOL.
Also, it was so funny, the grill is a small gas grill and I use foil. Well the chicken stuck to the foil, regardless of my constant turning of the stupid stuff and put little holes in the foil. *laughs* and the grease dripped down onto the little lava rocks and poof.. had big fire coming up from barbecue. Would not go down for nothing.
I need rest. Will write more later.
Love and Light,
embrisa/pamela
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Sleep Number Bed
I don't know how many of You actually know what a "Sleep Number Bed" is, but here in the USA, they are advertised quite heavily on television and even have their own stores in the malls, etc.
I guess less than a year ago I bought one of these beds, they are pretty cool. Basically they are like an original bed but the insides do not have the original type mattress' with the springs sticking up to eventually pop up and stab you in the back or whatever but you un-zip the top part of the mattress then another part un-zips and inside of there are two like air mattress' that actually hook up to dual controls which are good if one is married so each partner can select the amount of air they want and supposably sleep better.
The thing with these beds is seperating each air mattress (for lack of a better word) is a piece of foam which is pretty stiff, I have to wonder how couples even sleep if they like to cuddle, one would actually have to sleep on this foam, and though I have a queen sized bed I like to actually sleep in an odd position, with my feet at say bottom left and my head at top right. So my body actually crosses the piece of core foam that is inside this bed. Every day I wake up sore and mucked up when I do sleep in the bed laying down.
Last night I decided I would try to sleep like a normal person with my body straight up and down and boy did I wake up sore. Headache, backache.. basically my whole body hurts. I hurt.
I pulled out my owners manual and called these people. They are going to send me a single 'core' bed. Meaning there will not be two air chambers in my bed. Right now I have two remote controls that work each side of the bed when this new chamber is put in, only one remote will work the bed and there will no longer be a form going down the middle of my bed.
I guess basically I will have like one big air mattress in my bed?
Anyway, the bed was very expensive and I called these people before and they offered me the same thing but I denied it because the bed was so expensive I guess I thought I would be cheated if only one remote worked or there was only one air chamber in there or something. But it seems my quality of sleep is more important than anything else.
This may account for why I sleep sitting up at times. I guess only time will tell. I think last time I waited almost a month for my mattress to come in. I hate waiting that long, but at least I know it is on its way and perhaps I did something positive for myself in the way of sleep.
Mucho love and light,
embrisa.
I guess less than a year ago I bought one of these beds, they are pretty cool. Basically they are like an original bed but the insides do not have the original type mattress' with the springs sticking up to eventually pop up and stab you in the back or whatever but you un-zip the top part of the mattress then another part un-zips and inside of there are two like air mattress' that actually hook up to dual controls which are good if one is married so each partner can select the amount of air they want and supposably sleep better.
The thing with these beds is seperating each air mattress (for lack of a better word) is a piece of foam which is pretty stiff, I have to wonder how couples even sleep if they like to cuddle, one would actually have to sleep on this foam, and though I have a queen sized bed I like to actually sleep in an odd position, with my feet at say bottom left and my head at top right. So my body actually crosses the piece of core foam that is inside this bed. Every day I wake up sore and mucked up when I do sleep in the bed laying down.
Last night I decided I would try to sleep like a normal person with my body straight up and down and boy did I wake up sore. Headache, backache.. basically my whole body hurts. I hurt.
I pulled out my owners manual and called these people. They are going to send me a single 'core' bed. Meaning there will not be two air chambers in my bed. Right now I have two remote controls that work each side of the bed when this new chamber is put in, only one remote will work the bed and there will no longer be a form going down the middle of my bed.
I guess basically I will have like one big air mattress in my bed?
Anyway, the bed was very expensive and I called these people before and they offered me the same thing but I denied it because the bed was so expensive I guess I thought I would be cheated if only one remote worked or there was only one air chamber in there or something. But it seems my quality of sleep is more important than anything else.
This may account for why I sleep sitting up at times. I guess only time will tell. I think last time I waited almost a month for my mattress to come in. I hate waiting that long, but at least I know it is on its way and perhaps I did something positive for myself in the way of sleep.
Mucho love and light,
embrisa.
Snow Flakes In Her Eyes
I think I am completely lost and completely sick.
I have not felt this sick in my tummy in so long. But I know it is from nerves and general upset.
I know I talk alot about Chakras and stuff like that and feeling energy in my tummy area, etc. Here is a nice picture that kinda shows where one's charkas are located and some general information about them.
My dear friend from Slovenia showed back up in my life. I felt so happy that I did not even think twice about speaking to Him, about anything. I was just happy. He makes me happy. Unfortunately It was a good conversation that turned for the worse and my poor heart got mangled all over again.
I think everything was going so/so until again I told Him I do not masturbate online. Then He seemed to get a little snobby and told me I could turn off my webcam, so I did it. When I did it, my whole system shut down because it has been heating up again quite frequently just like it did before it went into the shop in the first place. *sigh* I only left it off long enough to take my medicines and switched it back on and went back into yahoo. He did not PM me, not a single hello, not a single welcome back.. nothing.
Maybe I expect too much? I do not know. Uggggh.
I waited maybe 1/2 hour or so before I pm'd Him and told him i was sorry for whatever I had done to make him so very upset at me and I would remove him from my pal list. He returned the PM and acted like he did not even know I had been gone? Gee what great company i am huh? I can be gone for 15 minutes and one does not even notice I am gone. LOL. *sniffs*
There is that pattern again, I like Him and He does not want jack diddly to do with me.
Of course, I simply adore every person I have in my life. I feel people are not placed in my life for not reason at all. Every body is placed in my life, in my path for some reason. To teach me something, to show me something? Who knows, and yes, even online friends.
Anyway, I think after Mr. Slovenia.. I will no longer try my luck with men for a long long while. I am done. Finished.
I know for Mr. Slovenia what took place did not hurt him as long as he was able to turn around and find somebody to get off with. But it did hurt me and it did make me cry.
So no more men, just friends.. it is easier and safe that way. No heartache or liars. No nothing.
Love & Light,
Embrisa/pamela
I have not felt this sick in my tummy in so long. But I know it is from nerves and general upset.
I know I talk alot about Chakras and stuff like that and feeling energy in my tummy area, etc. Here is a nice picture that kinda shows where one's charkas are located and some general information about them.
My dear friend from Slovenia showed back up in my life. I felt so happy that I did not even think twice about speaking to Him, about anything. I was just happy. He makes me happy. Unfortunately It was a good conversation that turned for the worse and my poor heart got mangled all over again.
I think everything was going so/so until again I told Him I do not masturbate online. Then He seemed to get a little snobby and told me I could turn off my webcam, so I did it. When I did it, my whole system shut down because it has been heating up again quite frequently just like it did before it went into the shop in the first place. *sigh* I only left it off long enough to take my medicines and switched it back on and went back into yahoo. He did not PM me, not a single hello, not a single welcome back.. nothing.
Maybe I expect too much? I do not know. Uggggh.
I waited maybe 1/2 hour or so before I pm'd Him and told him i was sorry for whatever I had done to make him so very upset at me and I would remove him from my pal list. He returned the PM and acted like he did not even know I had been gone? Gee what great company i am huh? I can be gone for 15 minutes and one does not even notice I am gone. LOL. *sniffs*
There is that pattern again, I like Him and He does not want jack diddly to do with me.
Of course, I simply adore every person I have in my life. I feel people are not placed in my life for not reason at all. Every body is placed in my life, in my path for some reason. To teach me something, to show me something? Who knows, and yes, even online friends.
Anyway, I think after Mr. Slovenia.. I will no longer try my luck with men for a long long while. I am done. Finished.
I know for Mr. Slovenia what took place did not hurt him as long as he was able to turn around and find somebody to get off with. But it did hurt me and it did make me cry.
So no more men, just friends.. it is easier and safe that way. No heartache or liars. No nothing.
Love & Light,
Embrisa/pamela
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Puppy Dog Tails
This morning when I logged on to Yahoo my 'friend'? from Slovenia was there and asked me where I disappeared to yesterday. I had just woken up from a long nights of sleep and did not feel much like beating around the bush so I told him exactly why I left yesterday.
He acted as if he was cool with everything I had said and told me he was not going anywhere. Yet after that he went very silent and then claimed that his work just called and suddenly 'needed' him and he had to go. His goodbyes were swift and I really do not expect to hear from him again.
So I guess in the end, he was just looking for Yahoo 'sex' like the rest of them. *sic* It is alright. At least I told what I did and did not want and he bascially did not have the guts to stand like a man and say he was looking for that, so goodbye.. he had to go about it in the way a chump would do it, so it is better off that once again I am one less friend short.
Yesterday ended up being a very full day for me. Ran lots of errands and went to Walmart Superstore to the garden shop, I wanted roses for the flower bed in the back yard. Right away found a lonesome rosebush called "Angel face" almost dead :-( but showed pictures of it on the tag and described it as light purple roses. For some reason "she" just called out to me, but roommate was having a fit, "don't buy that dead thing." So I talked to the lady in the garden shop and she assured me if i kept the receipt and it died I could bring it back. Also gave me some hints about cutting it back, giving it rose food and making sure it had lots of water. So I bought it despite my roommates complaints. :-)
We also got a beautiful blooming yellow rose bush, various bulbs, columbines (which are the State flower for Colorado and so beautiful), hmmm so many plants I cannot think of them all right now - oh even some sweet tomato plants. *grins*
But unfortunately, roommate had to leave soon for work for a few days so even though it was almost 90 degress outside we had to planet all the flowers and bulbs. agggh. Though we did get into a small water fight which was fun and cooled us both off. I even got a slight sunburn which don't look so bad, gives me some color to my poor pale face. LOL.
Never make someone Your Priority~
While You remain Their Option!
Love & Light,
Embrisa/Pamela
He acted as if he was cool with everything I had said and told me he was not going anywhere. Yet after that he went very silent and then claimed that his work just called and suddenly 'needed' him and he had to go. His goodbyes were swift and I really do not expect to hear from him again.
So I guess in the end, he was just looking for Yahoo 'sex' like the rest of them. *sic* It is alright. At least I told what I did and did not want and he bascially did not have the guts to stand like a man and say he was looking for that, so goodbye.. he had to go about it in the way a chump would do it, so it is better off that once again I am one less friend short.
Yesterday ended up being a very full day for me. Ran lots of errands and went to Walmart Superstore to the garden shop, I wanted roses for the flower bed in the back yard. Right away found a lonesome rosebush called "Angel face" almost dead :-( but showed pictures of it on the tag and described it as light purple roses. For some reason "she" just called out to me, but roommate was having a fit, "don't buy that dead thing." So I talked to the lady in the garden shop and she assured me if i kept the receipt and it died I could bring it back. Also gave me some hints about cutting it back, giving it rose food and making sure it had lots of water. So I bought it despite my roommates complaints. :-)
We also got a beautiful blooming yellow rose bush, various bulbs, columbines (which are the State flower for Colorado and so beautiful), hmmm so many plants I cannot think of them all right now - oh even some sweet tomato plants. *grins*
But unfortunately, roommate had to leave soon for work for a few days so even though it was almost 90 degress outside we had to planet all the flowers and bulbs. agggh. Though we did get into a small water fight which was fun and cooled us both off. I even got a slight sunburn which don't look so bad, gives me some color to my poor pale face. LOL.
Never make someone Your Priority~
While You remain Their Option!
Love & Light,
Embrisa/Pamela
Monday, May 23, 2005
Polly Wanna Cracker?
This morning, I feel i've gone slightly "cracker".
I have the weirdest, saddest, mixed up energy in my gut I've felt in a long time. It is not even depression I feel, just something else, more distant, more sad.. hard to explain.
I woke up feeling this way and the feeling has only gotten stronger as the night has wore on.
I also once again feel great disappointment with a person I chatted with online at Yahoo. I chatted with Him a few times now. He lives in Slovenia and I found Him very delightful and fun to chat with. But tonight, he seemed just like all the other men (well almost all) on Yahoo.. only interested in one thing - sex.
I think I just shook my head sadly as tears ran down my face and politely logged off without so much of a kiss off or a goodbye.
Why do men have to be this way? I do not understand! Can't they like us for who we are? Or do we have to be sex objects?
Love & Peace
embrisa
I have the weirdest, saddest, mixed up energy in my gut I've felt in a long time. It is not even depression I feel, just something else, more distant, more sad.. hard to explain.
I woke up feeling this way and the feeling has only gotten stronger as the night has wore on.
I also once again feel great disappointment with a person I chatted with online at Yahoo. I chatted with Him a few times now. He lives in Slovenia and I found Him very delightful and fun to chat with. But tonight, he seemed just like all the other men (well almost all) on Yahoo.. only interested in one thing - sex.
I think I just shook my head sadly as tears ran down my face and politely logged off without so much of a kiss off or a goodbye.
Why do men have to be this way? I do not understand! Can't they like us for who we are? Or do we have to be sex objects?
Love & Peace
embrisa
Sunday, May 22, 2005
The Need
It seems like my famous mood has struck me again. My need to write in the middle of the night. To get the unknown off my chest. Maybe someday I will actually hit upon what is hiding deep within the recesses of my soul and this need will disappear, I do not know.
It feels when I am sitting here, doing whatever I am doing, suddenly I have a desperate need to write, to get something out. But when I come to write - I am suddenly lost. Lost in thought, emotions - just lost, until I have no idea what that part of me needed to get out. Odd that is.
I found out tonight that my friend from the UK who moved to the USA, that I mentioned In a previous post has been reading my blogger. It makes me feel kind of weird to know somebody has been reading my blogger, but I know lots of people visit and read my blogger so I guess it is just something I need to get over with. Now if only the occasional person would leave a comment or two, perhaps I would not feel so strange. :-) (hint hint, come on folks - speak up. LOL.)
Anyway, my friend in the USA who moved from the UK with his wife - hmm seems we need to give him a name... how about SM, yes SM seems to be a good nick name for him.
Last night, I had the opportunity to chat with His wife on Yahoo. I found her to be a very nice, loving lady. I hit it off with her right away, something I don't do with most people. Found it very easy to open up to her regarding all kinds of things in my life, just as I hope she found it easy to chat with me. So it seems both she and her husband are equally nice folks and I am blessed to have them both in my life.
Though I have known SM longer and on some level feel he is a much more realistic person than she is. I feel he hides a lot of his true emotions on some level and is afraid of what she/his wife will think of him if he were to actually tell the whole truth of who he his to his wife.
It makes me feel sad for Him in a way. Sometimes, even though we love our partners deeply, we can still be stuck in situations are not 100% favorable for us and that is the feeling I get when I talk to Him.
At any rate, it is not my place to tell how I might feel or don't feel about his relationship. Something I do find mighty peculiar about our conversations though is when he is finished talking to me he leaves the window open and goes to sleep, like he wants his wife to find it and read it though at times we talk about some very personal things. I guess there are just some things I will be able to speak to him about and some things I will not be able to talk to him about. End of story.
On another topic, it is saturday morning and I want to talk to Lano soooo bad. I've actually thought about calling Lano's pone number but I know it is not in my best interest. Most likely his mother will answer and I will just hear a bunch of lies anyway. Lano is working. Lano is jacking off somewhere *laughs*. Whatever excuse she makes, Lano will be doing something, anything, but not available for talk.. so why try? Even if i did get through to him, what would I say? Why do you continue to lie to me? hah. Really there is no point in calling except for more self-abuse.
If anything, I really need to work on getting this guy out of my heart and mind, not sitting here pouting cause I cannot call Him.
Oh my Beloved: Take me, Liberate my soul, Fill me with Your Love!
Love and Light
embrisa/pamela
It feels when I am sitting here, doing whatever I am doing, suddenly I have a desperate need to write, to get something out. But when I come to write - I am suddenly lost. Lost in thought, emotions - just lost, until I have no idea what that part of me needed to get out. Odd that is.
I found out tonight that my friend from the UK who moved to the USA, that I mentioned In a previous post has been reading my blogger. It makes me feel kind of weird to know somebody has been reading my blogger, but I know lots of people visit and read my blogger so I guess it is just something I need to get over with. Now if only the occasional person would leave a comment or two, perhaps I would not feel so strange. :-) (hint hint, come on folks - speak up. LOL.)
Anyway, my friend in the USA who moved from the UK with his wife - hmm seems we need to give him a name... how about SM, yes SM seems to be a good nick name for him.
Last night, I had the opportunity to chat with His wife on Yahoo. I found her to be a very nice, loving lady. I hit it off with her right away, something I don't do with most people. Found it very easy to open up to her regarding all kinds of things in my life, just as I hope she found it easy to chat with me. So it seems both she and her husband are equally nice folks and I am blessed to have them both in my life.
Though I have known SM longer and on some level feel he is a much more realistic person than she is. I feel he hides a lot of his true emotions on some level and is afraid of what she/his wife will think of him if he were to actually tell the whole truth of who he his to his wife.
It makes me feel sad for Him in a way. Sometimes, even though we love our partners deeply, we can still be stuck in situations are not 100% favorable for us and that is the feeling I get when I talk to Him.
At any rate, it is not my place to tell how I might feel or don't feel about his relationship. Something I do find mighty peculiar about our conversations though is when he is finished talking to me he leaves the window open and goes to sleep, like he wants his wife to find it and read it though at times we talk about some very personal things. I guess there are just some things I will be able to speak to him about and some things I will not be able to talk to him about. End of story.
On another topic, it is saturday morning and I want to talk to Lano soooo bad. I've actually thought about calling Lano's pone number but I know it is not in my best interest. Most likely his mother will answer and I will just hear a bunch of lies anyway. Lano is working. Lano is jacking off somewhere *laughs*. Whatever excuse she makes, Lano will be doing something, anything, but not available for talk.. so why try? Even if i did get through to him, what would I say? Why do you continue to lie to me? hah. Really there is no point in calling except for more self-abuse.
If anything, I really need to work on getting this guy out of my heart and mind, not sitting here pouting cause I cannot call Him.
Oh my Beloved: Take me, Liberate my soul, Fill me with Your Love!
Love and Light
embrisa/pamela
Friday, May 20, 2005
Desperate
It is so odd, sometimes in the middle of the night I get the most intense feeling that I need to write.. That I need to get it all out yet, I'm not even so sure what is hidden beneath the surface that needs to come out. Funny how our brain works at times.
I do know that something is bothering me again because it has been two days since I laid my head upon a pillow and slept properly. I've been sleeping again sitting up which makes me feel horrible, grouchy and tearful. I guess we all need proper rest to function right.
I feel like a broken down love song, a love song that never got that smile, that never got a chance. A note flowing from a love song ~~ drifting.. But never finding the right ears, yet somehow drifting through the universe.. Sometimes quivering. Yes, the one with the lonely eyes.
I honestly do not know what to write. Everything I have to say is so sad. How can I face a new day when I do not have one ounce of positivity to me?
Turn Your Head, Yeah Baby... Just Spit Me Out!
I think I am even past ever finding love. Seems it just will not happen for me. Either I am interested in him and he could give a rats a*s about me or He is interested in me and I'm so blind I'd never even know it if I got hit up along side the head. Or else other crazy mis-understandings happen and the friendship just ends. *snap*
So why worry about love?
I think that is why I like Buddhism so much. One of the things they teach is we create our own pain and suffering by our "needs"
Well, i "think" i need love, i crave love.. blah blah.. so therefore, i am always in a state of suffering. If i just let go of this notion that I need love. If i could just be happy with who I am and what I have in my life now all the suffering I have would disappear. At least in that department.
But there is a part of me that know I will always love Lano, just like I will always love my mom and father and other family members. But Lano is different, I love him with every single beat of my heart in the most passionate of ways. I guess he know this too and even uses this against me because when we speak and when he knows I am ready to say goodbye to him forever.. he actually says things like, "don't you feel the bond between us pammie?" Yes, i do feel the bond Lano - the problem is, do You? hah. Do You feel anything at all Lano?
One of my newer friends whom I met on Yahoo, who moved to the USA with his wife, who is from the USA, by the way... (kind of a weird mixed up story, even how we became friends) I think I made him angry at me last night. He asked me if I posted any of the new pictures in my yahoo photo album and I told him yes, but only two of them -- explaining one was of my betta fish. He went on to ask me the name of my fish and I told him he would have to look at the pictures to find out the name of my fish. LOL. i don't think he liked that very much because he actually hung up on me and never returned.
He has actually changed a lot. When I was first getting to know him he seemed open-minded and talked about his fetish etc. But the more I got to know him it seemed the more trapped he became inside, the more un-willing he was to share.
Now it seems very important for him that I meet his wife. Not that I have any problem with meeting his wife, she seems like a very sweet and kind woman but I did not know it would be at the cost of our (his and mine) friendship.
At any rate, he has always seemed interested.. Just something about him has changed and I can't quite put my finger on it.
Peace and Love,
embrisa/pamela
I do know that something is bothering me again because it has been two days since I laid my head upon a pillow and slept properly. I've been sleeping again sitting up which makes me feel horrible, grouchy and tearful. I guess we all need proper rest to function right.
I feel like a broken down love song, a love song that never got that smile, that never got a chance. A note flowing from a love song ~~ drifting.. But never finding the right ears, yet somehow drifting through the universe.. Sometimes quivering. Yes, the one with the lonely eyes.
I honestly do not know what to write. Everything I have to say is so sad. How can I face a new day when I do not have one ounce of positivity to me?
Turn Your Head, Yeah Baby... Just Spit Me Out!
I think I am even past ever finding love. Seems it just will not happen for me. Either I am interested in him and he could give a rats a*s about me or He is interested in me and I'm so blind I'd never even know it if I got hit up along side the head. Or else other crazy mis-understandings happen and the friendship just ends. *snap*
So why worry about love?
I think that is why I like Buddhism so much. One of the things they teach is we create our own pain and suffering by our "needs"
Well, i "think" i need love, i crave love.. blah blah.. so therefore, i am always in a state of suffering. If i just let go of this notion that I need love. If i could just be happy with who I am and what I have in my life now all the suffering I have would disappear. At least in that department.
But there is a part of me that know I will always love Lano, just like I will always love my mom and father and other family members. But Lano is different, I love him with every single beat of my heart in the most passionate of ways. I guess he know this too and even uses this against me because when we speak and when he knows I am ready to say goodbye to him forever.. he actually says things like, "don't you feel the bond between us pammie?" Yes, i do feel the bond Lano - the problem is, do You? hah. Do You feel anything at all Lano?
One of my newer friends whom I met on Yahoo, who moved to the USA with his wife, who is from the USA, by the way... (kind of a weird mixed up story, even how we became friends) I think I made him angry at me last night. He asked me if I posted any of the new pictures in my yahoo photo album and I told him yes, but only two of them -- explaining one was of my betta fish. He went on to ask me the name of my fish and I told him he would have to look at the pictures to find out the name of my fish. LOL. i don't think he liked that very much because he actually hung up on me and never returned.
He has actually changed a lot. When I was first getting to know him he seemed open-minded and talked about his fetish etc. But the more I got to know him it seemed the more trapped he became inside, the more un-willing he was to share.
Now it seems very important for him that I meet his wife. Not that I have any problem with meeting his wife, she seems like a very sweet and kind woman but I did not know it would be at the cost of our (his and mine) friendship.
At any rate, he has always seemed interested.. Just something about him has changed and I can't quite put my finger on it.
Peace and Love,
embrisa/pamela
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Dazed and Confused
These past days have been very hard for me, more so than usual. I am experiencing depression on a level that I have never known before. Usually spring is a time of great happiness for me,with all the flowers and trees blooming and budding. The fresh smell of greenness and just the renewal of life in general I guess. But this year just feels so different for me.
The depression is horrifying. It feels like I am in a big black pit, clawing and scraping but never to find the top, never to find the daylight, never to find the fresh air or the sun. It is so hard to describe depression and I guess if somebody had to ask me if I could describe it to them, I would have to tell them no, there are so many facets of it, almost like a diamond, only it is not beautiful like a diamond. It is lonely and scary and it is right at this time in ones life when you find out who your true friends are.
I never did have a huge amount of friends, but I always thought the friends I did have were true, but it seems even the ones I thought loved me most are the ones who are walking away. I guess the old saying is true.. "laugh and the world laughs with You, cry and You cry alone." Such a sadness for mankind I think, that we cannot even stand by our brothers and sisters when we are needed most.
It seems i go through my darkest hours of depression some days, some weeks - whatever - after Lano has got done contacting me, feeding my head full of his "i love you's" and then telling me to contact him and I always do try but i'm always given the big shaft. For some reason, no matter how many times I go through it, it throws my world into some kind of wild spin. In the forefront of my mind, I do not believe his words of love, but somewhere in my heart - i do.. i want to believe that he loves me as much as I love him. Oh, what a tangled web we weave. :-(
I guess I will keep on experiencing this until one day my heart catches up with my head and i've said enough is enough and I tell him to go f*ck off. I guess only then will i be truly free and able to start my life fresh, i don't know.
Anyway, i'm going go jump in a hot shower and see if that can help my depressed head some. LOL. never know.
Peace and Love to all,
embrisa/pamela
The depression is horrifying. It feels like I am in a big black pit, clawing and scraping but never to find the top, never to find the daylight, never to find the fresh air or the sun. It is so hard to describe depression and I guess if somebody had to ask me if I could describe it to them, I would have to tell them no, there are so many facets of it, almost like a diamond, only it is not beautiful like a diamond. It is lonely and scary and it is right at this time in ones life when you find out who your true friends are.
I never did have a huge amount of friends, but I always thought the friends I did have were true, but it seems even the ones I thought loved me most are the ones who are walking away. I guess the old saying is true.. "laugh and the world laughs with You, cry and You cry alone." Such a sadness for mankind I think, that we cannot even stand by our brothers and sisters when we are needed most.
It seems i go through my darkest hours of depression some days, some weeks - whatever - after Lano has got done contacting me, feeding my head full of his "i love you's" and then telling me to contact him and I always do try but i'm always given the big shaft. For some reason, no matter how many times I go through it, it throws my world into some kind of wild spin. In the forefront of my mind, I do not believe his words of love, but somewhere in my heart - i do.. i want to believe that he loves me as much as I love him. Oh, what a tangled web we weave. :-(
I guess I will keep on experiencing this until one day my heart catches up with my head and i've said enough is enough and I tell him to go f*ck off. I guess only then will i be truly free and able to start my life fresh, i don't know.
Anyway, i'm going go jump in a hot shower and see if that can help my depressed head some. LOL. never know.
Peace and Love to all,
embrisa/pamela
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Something On Kabbalah I Found Interesting!
I've studied Kabbalah, the mystical part of Judaism for a couple of Years now and was looking through some old e-mails and found this, thought it was rather interesting and thought I might share it.
For anybody looking for light In their lives, or answers.. it might help?
Let Your Soul Take Control
New students often ask me to explain Kabbalah in a sentence. I tell them, 'I don't need a whole sentence—just one word—control.
'What do I mean by control? I certainly don't mean manipulating people or situations to suit your selfish wants. I do mean the ability to never be a victim and to always know how to transform a bad situation into a good one—for you and everyone involved.
In kabbalistic terminology, control is seeing the Light in every situation.
And that's where most people lose control. When someone in our life is filled with unpredictable venom, when emotional buttons are being triggered, when there seems to be nothing good that can come out of it, we feel like helpless victims and we relinquish our power.
Our challenge is to have the strength and character to always see the Light, even in the darkest situations. And we can uncover the Light by asking two questions:
1. Why is it happening to me?
2. What's the bigger picture here?
Asking 'why is it happening to me?' helps us focus on what the situation came to teach us and how we can use it to transform our chaos. Don't forget what you learned in Power of Kabbalah Level 1—difficult situations are simply Light contained within klippot (shells of negativity.) Avoiding the situation is essentially rejecting the Creator's gifts! Think about that one…
It means switching your pain response from, 'how can I get rid of this?' to 'bring it on!'
Asking the second question, 'what's the bigger picture here?' takes the focus off us and puts it on the other person—in a sharing manner. Instead of focusing on how the situation is hurting us, we need to ask what need is going unmet in the other person and how can we help them, if at all.
The beauty of this two-step process is that the moment we see at least one answer clearly, the situation begins to resolve itself. The reason is, when we see the Light at work in the situation, we have stepped out of 'victim mode' and into 'control mode.'
I have a wonderful student who has been working hard on herself, working on revealing who she really is—a powerful, caring soul. And she's been going through a tough time lately with her father. He's been verbally abusive and causing her to feel poorly about herself. In trying to help her, I recounted an experience I had with a person sitting in on one of my lectures during The Red String Book Tour.
The topic of the lecture was the mirroring effect, which stated simply, says that what we see in others is really a reflection of what is inside of us. One of the attendees raised her hand to tell me of a nagging co-worker who constantly gets under her skin.
'There is no way I am this obnoxious,' she told me.
I answered that she (the attendee) must be nagging someone else in her life—even if to a much lesser extent. She couldn't accept this but agreed to think it over. Well, she emailed me a week later, elated.
“I realized that I am doing the same thing to my husband. But I thought I was being 'spiritual' because I was nagging him to share, to be more forgiving, to practice meditation. But it was creating separation between us and if I wasn't so thoroughly disgusted with my coworker's behavior, I might not have gotten a grip on my own actions.
'So, in the case of my first student, the first question about: Why is this happening to her?—while she may or may not be acting as terribly as her father, the fact that she is going through this extreme experience is a wake-up call for her to prevent this cycle from continuing with her own kids (and that is just one possible answer.)
In terms of the second question, (What is her bigger picture?) maybe her dad needs to be given boundaries on how he can treat her, or maybe she needs to simply feel his pain, without allowing herself to be sucked into his movie.
And to the student's credit, she has treated her Dad with tolerance and human dignity. She has not run away from this problem and because of that she is revealing tremendous Light in other areas of her life.
This week, I'd like you to practice this procedure on every difficult situation you face. No matter how painful it is to look inside, no matter how tough it is to confront your issues, now is the time to take back the control that is your destiny and always has been. It's as simple as it is effective. Have a great week!
For anybody looking for light In their lives, or answers.. it might help?
Let Your Soul Take Control
New students often ask me to explain Kabbalah in a sentence. I tell them, 'I don't need a whole sentence—just one word—control.
'What do I mean by control? I certainly don't mean manipulating people or situations to suit your selfish wants. I do mean the ability to never be a victim and to always know how to transform a bad situation into a good one—for you and everyone involved.
In kabbalistic terminology, control is seeing the Light in every situation.
And that's where most people lose control. When someone in our life is filled with unpredictable venom, when emotional buttons are being triggered, when there seems to be nothing good that can come out of it, we feel like helpless victims and we relinquish our power.
Our challenge is to have the strength and character to always see the Light, even in the darkest situations. And we can uncover the Light by asking two questions:
1. Why is it happening to me?
2. What's the bigger picture here?
Asking 'why is it happening to me?' helps us focus on what the situation came to teach us and how we can use it to transform our chaos. Don't forget what you learned in Power of Kabbalah Level 1—difficult situations are simply Light contained within klippot (shells of negativity.) Avoiding the situation is essentially rejecting the Creator's gifts! Think about that one…
It means switching your pain response from, 'how can I get rid of this?' to 'bring it on!'
Asking the second question, 'what's the bigger picture here?' takes the focus off us and puts it on the other person—in a sharing manner. Instead of focusing on how the situation is hurting us, we need to ask what need is going unmet in the other person and how can we help them, if at all.
The beauty of this two-step process is that the moment we see at least one answer clearly, the situation begins to resolve itself. The reason is, when we see the Light at work in the situation, we have stepped out of 'victim mode' and into 'control mode.'
I have a wonderful student who has been working hard on herself, working on revealing who she really is—a powerful, caring soul. And she's been going through a tough time lately with her father. He's been verbally abusive and causing her to feel poorly about herself. In trying to help her, I recounted an experience I had with a person sitting in on one of my lectures during The Red String Book Tour.
The topic of the lecture was the mirroring effect, which stated simply, says that what we see in others is really a reflection of what is inside of us. One of the attendees raised her hand to tell me of a nagging co-worker who constantly gets under her skin.
'There is no way I am this obnoxious,' she told me.
I answered that she (the attendee) must be nagging someone else in her life—even if to a much lesser extent. She couldn't accept this but agreed to think it over. Well, she emailed me a week later, elated.
“I realized that I am doing the same thing to my husband. But I thought I was being 'spiritual' because I was nagging him to share, to be more forgiving, to practice meditation. But it was creating separation between us and if I wasn't so thoroughly disgusted with my coworker's behavior, I might not have gotten a grip on my own actions.
'So, in the case of my first student, the first question about: Why is this happening to her?—while she may or may not be acting as terribly as her father, the fact that she is going through this extreme experience is a wake-up call for her to prevent this cycle from continuing with her own kids (and that is just one possible answer.)
In terms of the second question, (What is her bigger picture?) maybe her dad needs to be given boundaries on how he can treat her, or maybe she needs to simply feel his pain, without allowing herself to be sucked into his movie.
And to the student's credit, she has treated her Dad with tolerance and human dignity. She has not run away from this problem and because of that she is revealing tremendous Light in other areas of her life.
This week, I'd like you to practice this procedure on every difficult situation you face. No matter how painful it is to look inside, no matter how tough it is to confront your issues, now is the time to take back the control that is your destiny and always has been. It's as simple as it is effective. Have a great week!
When I am overcome with feelings of doubt or panic or with thoughts of doom, these letters reveal the order that underlies chaos.
I become enlightened to the Creator’s master plan as it pertains to my purpose in this world and to the problems I face.
Hebrew Text is always read from Right to Left.
Shalom,
Embrisa/Pamela.
Enough With The Crazy Tests!
Okay, So these tests are fun for a period.. but after a while they get boring and kind of foolish. I had to do the fairie one, since I love fairies.. they my favorite wee ones. ;-)
I really, really want to put up a new template but have NO idea how to do it. It is kind of funny since I do know how to code HTML. But when I look at the templates I get freaked out. So if anybody reads this and has any idea how to put up a new template, and feels like helping a newbie, please write to me and send any kind of help you can - it would be deely appreciated. I even have the template I wish to put up. woohoo. I guess I could always write the people here at blogger and beg for their help. hmmm.
On another note, I think I had a case of food poisoning for almost 4 days. I was feeling pretty darn good till last friday when I went out and ran a bunch of errands, afterwards I stopped and bought some fast food. I guess about an hour after I ate that I started sweating and had major stomach cramps, vomiting and just generally laying in bed and sobbing. LOL.
Guess it lasted about 4 days. Today Is first day I feel like more like myself than I have in some days and it once again reminds me that I should learn to cook and eat in my own home. At least I know what I am cooking, how I am cooking it and that I did not spit on it, drop it on a dirty floor and still serve it, whatever the case may be - it is just generally more healthier to cook and eat at home and much more cheaper as well.
Anyway, i am just glad i am feeling better.. and half-way smiling again.
A day dawns, quite like other days; in it, a single hour comes, quite like other hours; but in that day and in that hour the chance of a lifetime faces us.
I really, really want to put up a new template but have NO idea how to do it. It is kind of funny since I do know how to code HTML. But when I look at the templates I get freaked out. So if anybody reads this and has any idea how to put up a new template, and feels like helping a newbie, please write to me and send any kind of help you can - it would be deely appreciated. I even have the template I wish to put up. woohoo. I guess I could always write the people here at blogger and beg for their help. hmmm.
On another note, I think I had a case of food poisoning for almost 4 days. I was feeling pretty darn good till last friday when I went out and ran a bunch of errands, afterwards I stopped and bought some fast food. I guess about an hour after I ate that I started sweating and had major stomach cramps, vomiting and just generally laying in bed and sobbing. LOL.
Guess it lasted about 4 days. Today Is first day I feel like more like myself than I have in some days and it once again reminds me that I should learn to cook and eat in my own home. At least I know what I am cooking, how I am cooking it and that I did not spit on it, drop it on a dirty floor and still serve it, whatever the case may be - it is just generally more healthier to cook and eat at home and much more cheaper as well.
Anyway, i am just glad i am feeling better.. and half-way smiling again.
A day dawns, quite like other days; in it, a single hour comes, quite like other hours; but in that day and in that hour the chance of a lifetime faces us.
Love and Light,
embrisa/pamela
Which Dysfunctional Fairie Are You?
I loved this one, mostly cause I love Fairies! Yeehaw. :-)
 | You scored as A Too Sweet Faerie. So sweet your totally sugared up! Has there ever been anyone so nice. Quick to forgive and quick to forget, everybody wants to know you! You've just got to make sure nobody takes advantage and tries to use you, don't be afraid to say no sometimes!
Which Dysfunctional Faerie are You? created with QuizFarm.com |
What Type Of Love Am I?
CUTE? who me? cute? ewwww.. i could of lived with passionate, but cute? How can one be a cute lover?? *coughs*
 | You scored as Cute!!. OMG YOU ARE CUTE!! Everyone thinks so!! Don't ever change your outlook on love and life!! You rock!
What type of love are you? created with QuizFarm.com |
Cultural Creative?
 | You scored as Cultural Creative. Cultural Creatives are probably the newest group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy away from organized religion but still feels as if there is something greater than ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not religious. Life has a meaning outside of the rational.
What is Your World View? (corrected...hopefully) created with QuizFarm.com |
Sunday, May 15, 2005
Forever!
It feels like it has been forever since I got to sit down and write, though I've wanted to many times.
For two days I was desperately ill. Felt like I had the stomach flu or perhaps it was just something I ate that was bad. I'm still not feeling 100% better, but good enough to be up for awhile.
I am guessing that snake Lano made up with his mommy because he has ignored once again, any type of communication I try to throw his way. I call his work number, he has somebody in the office answer his phone that does not speak english. I call his home, no answer - when I know he is there. Ho - Hum. I am tired of playing his childish games.
I think I am still thrown off by his little comment, "it is either my mother or you." eek. I just don't know what to think about that one. Never heard a grown man speak like that or say such a thing. Those words just keep flashing over and over in my head like a neon sign outside of some cheap hotel. LOL.
Anyway, I told the snake to go make up with his mother and to not treat her bad. That how he treats his mother is how he will treat any woman he is in a relationship with. I think that hit him pretty hard as already that morning he was whining why wasn't his mommy home, after he had kicked her out of her own house, he was wondering where she was. Smart fella he is.
Truly makes me wonder how I ever fell in love with a man like him. But when I first met Lano he was not drinking as much as he is now. He didn't start drinking as much as he is now until his father lost their business and they had to move out of Gonubie, some small seaside village to an inland town further down the coast, not far from Port Elizabeth.
Not long after moving there his father was drunk and took a can filled with gas and lit himself on fire. I guess his father survived maybe 5 or 6 months after doing that before he left this earth for good. May He rest in peace.
Anyway, that was very tragic on Lano, i know.. but I guess deep down Lano has always been a momma's boy. Never straying far from momma. He claims he has lived other places before but I don't know if I believe him or not. It seems Lano was and is a chronic liar, so it is always hard to tell fact from fiction with him. always.
For a man who will be turning 34 years old, one would figure he would not be making comments like "it is either my mother or you.." or still be hiding behind mommys apron ribbon the way he does. He won't even go to a proper barber to get a hair cut, mommy cuts his hair and to be truthful, every picture i've ever seen, it has always been uneven. He needs to go see a professional barber.
Okay Okay, didn't mean to turn this into a Lano b*tch session. I just seem to be stuck in some kind of vortex. When is Pamela going to learn her lesson with this man? He only speaks to her when he needs something from her. When he is lonely. etc. But screw Pamela when she is lonely, when she is crying her heart out over heart break - not knowing if it is over or not, etc.
Sometimes I wait literal months upon months to hear from him, even a peep, he could not contact me for this reason or that reason.. but it was especially funny.. when he was mad at mommy and threw her out of her own home, he FOUND a way to contact Pamela very quickly and even admited that he did NOT like to be alone. *holds her head and screams* But as long as he was NOT lonely, everything in his world was just little fresh daisies, screw everybody else. *kicks sand in his face*
ENOUGH of that!
I don't know if any of You are familiar with the Tibetan culture, but they are so rich in culture and have suffered so much abuse and hatred, even in their own lands in the past that it just breaks my heart. So If You find it in Your heart to support the Tibetan culture and Tibetan monks, please visit this link. :-)
Much Love and Light,
embrisa/pamela
For two days I was desperately ill. Felt like I had the stomach flu or perhaps it was just something I ate that was bad. I'm still not feeling 100% better, but good enough to be up for awhile.
I am guessing that snake Lano made up with his mommy because he has ignored once again, any type of communication I try to throw his way. I call his work number, he has somebody in the office answer his phone that does not speak english. I call his home, no answer - when I know he is there. Ho - Hum. I am tired of playing his childish games.
I think I am still thrown off by his little comment, "it is either my mother or you." eek. I just don't know what to think about that one. Never heard a grown man speak like that or say such a thing. Those words just keep flashing over and over in my head like a neon sign outside of some cheap hotel. LOL.
Anyway, I told the snake to go make up with his mother and to not treat her bad. That how he treats his mother is how he will treat any woman he is in a relationship with. I think that hit him pretty hard as already that morning he was whining why wasn't his mommy home, after he had kicked her out of her own house, he was wondering where she was. Smart fella he is.
Truly makes me wonder how I ever fell in love with a man like him. But when I first met Lano he was not drinking as much as he is now. He didn't start drinking as much as he is now until his father lost their business and they had to move out of Gonubie, some small seaside village to an inland town further down the coast, not far from Port Elizabeth.
Not long after moving there his father was drunk and took a can filled with gas and lit himself on fire. I guess his father survived maybe 5 or 6 months after doing that before he left this earth for good. May He rest in peace.
Anyway, that was very tragic on Lano, i know.. but I guess deep down Lano has always been a momma's boy. Never straying far from momma. He claims he has lived other places before but I don't know if I believe him or not. It seems Lano was and is a chronic liar, so it is always hard to tell fact from fiction with him. always.
For a man who will be turning 34 years old, one would figure he would not be making comments like "it is either my mother or you.." or still be hiding behind mommys apron ribbon the way he does. He won't even go to a proper barber to get a hair cut, mommy cuts his hair and to be truthful, every picture i've ever seen, it has always been uneven. He needs to go see a professional barber.
Okay Okay, didn't mean to turn this into a Lano b*tch session. I just seem to be stuck in some kind of vortex. When is Pamela going to learn her lesson with this man? He only speaks to her when he needs something from her. When he is lonely. etc. But screw Pamela when she is lonely, when she is crying her heart out over heart break - not knowing if it is over or not, etc.
Sometimes I wait literal months upon months to hear from him, even a peep, he could not contact me for this reason or that reason.. but it was especially funny.. when he was mad at mommy and threw her out of her own home, he FOUND a way to contact Pamela very quickly and even admited that he did NOT like to be alone. *holds her head and screams* But as long as he was NOT lonely, everything in his world was just little fresh daisies, screw everybody else. *kicks sand in his face*
ENOUGH of that!
I don't know if any of You are familiar with the Tibetan culture, but they are so rich in culture and have suffered so much abuse and hatred, even in their own lands in the past that it just breaks my heart. So If You find it in Your heart to support the Tibetan culture and Tibetan monks, please visit this link. :-)
Much Love and Light,
embrisa/pamela
Monday, May 09, 2005
All These Things
I feel severly mentally confused. The events that have taken place these past couple days have totally drained me out not only physically but also totally mentally.
Sometime this past weekend Lano was calling my home. From the looks on my caller ID it would of been 5/7/05. The only reason I can see that he called me was because he got into a fight with his mother and she actually left the house. He sounded drunk off his a*s and didn't seem to have any real reason why he was arguing with his mother other than the fact that she was standing up for herself while he was drunk and trying to cause her problems. *frowns*
I guess from what he told me is she actually told him to go "f*ck off" and he told her to leave her own house. doh and so she did it. She has lots of family in this town they live in, so i'm sure she had no problems staying with one of her sisters or something, but I can't believe he would tell his own mother to leave her own house and she would actually do it.
Well, I guess the lady has been under alot of stress these past couple of months, having just lost her own husband (he passed away right in their own bedroom) and now her brother is dying of cancer and she is spending lots of time going back and forth from hospital to be with him. That i guess she just cannot handle Lano's drunken a*sholish moods.
He told me during that conversation that is was either his mother or me?? I thought what the heck kind of thinking is this? I do not understand his way of thinking and I never will and I told him so. That is mother was NOT his wife. That he does not have sex with his mother. That loving ones mother and one's lover (wife, etc) was two totally different kinds of love.
He also called me yesterday and had the guts to cuss me out for him having to call me? That I just did not jump out of bed and automatically ring him. LOL. what a joke and told him so about that as well. That usually he does not bother to answer his phone so why do I want to put myself through the same old games as usual. But i guess with him still not getting along so great with his mother he felt he needed to speak to me?
I reminded him that the way he treats his mother is the way he will treat any woman he ever loves in his life. But i'm sure he already knew that.
Anyway, he is a dark kind of energy that is very draining upon ones soul and i still feel tired. I just wanted to make note of what was going on before i forgot the dates.
Love & Peace
embrisa
Sometime this past weekend Lano was calling my home. From the looks on my caller ID it would of been 5/7/05. The only reason I can see that he called me was because he got into a fight with his mother and she actually left the house. He sounded drunk off his a*s and didn't seem to have any real reason why he was arguing with his mother other than the fact that she was standing up for herself while he was drunk and trying to cause her problems. *frowns*
I guess from what he told me is she actually told him to go "f*ck off" and he told her to leave her own house. doh and so she did it. She has lots of family in this town they live in, so i'm sure she had no problems staying with one of her sisters or something, but I can't believe he would tell his own mother to leave her own house and she would actually do it.
Well, I guess the lady has been under alot of stress these past couple of months, having just lost her own husband (he passed away right in their own bedroom) and now her brother is dying of cancer and she is spending lots of time going back and forth from hospital to be with him. That i guess she just cannot handle Lano's drunken a*sholish moods.
He told me during that conversation that is was either his mother or me?? I thought what the heck kind of thinking is this? I do not understand his way of thinking and I never will and I told him so. That is mother was NOT his wife. That he does not have sex with his mother. That loving ones mother and one's lover (wife, etc) was two totally different kinds of love.
He also called me yesterday and had the guts to cuss me out for him having to call me? That I just did not jump out of bed and automatically ring him. LOL. what a joke and told him so about that as well. That usually he does not bother to answer his phone so why do I want to put myself through the same old games as usual. But i guess with him still not getting along so great with his mother he felt he needed to speak to me?
I reminded him that the way he treats his mother is the way he will treat any woman he ever loves in his life. But i'm sure he already knew that.
Anyway, he is a dark kind of energy that is very draining upon ones soul and i still feel tired. I just wanted to make note of what was going on before i forgot the dates.
Love & Peace
embrisa
Saturday, May 07, 2005
One Week Later
Well, It has been exactly one week since I last spoke to Mr. Liar Lano. I guess not exactly one week, since we spoke well into the following day, but this is about the time that I called him last week - when he actually picked up his phone like a man and spoke. *laughs at the man part*
Anyway, my home phone is totally jacked now. I picked it up and tried to call him and it gave me some recording, telling me to call customer service. So bascially is not letting me make any more long distant phone calls.
But last week I bought a phone card to call him, since I was *supposed* to call him on Monday and he blew me off like usual, so i used that instead.. because I wanted to tell him that I think he is a low-life drunk, a liar and he will never ever hear from me again and bascially hang up.
But lo' and behold he is a chicken a*s and does not answer his phone. I knew it was only 10% chance that he would answer his phone, but i had to try anyway. I'm not like him. I don't beat around the bush. When something is over, it is over. I want to tell the person, adios. Goodbye. Kiss off. Whatever. At least there is some closure. With lano, he lies like a dog. He speaks words of loves, lies, even talks of marriages, does whatever it takes to break your heart all over again. *screams*
That guy has some serious mental problems. He doesn't want to speak to you, yet he doesn't want to end things either and will go so far as to making up one lie after another just so you do not end things with him.
Why wouldn't he want it to end if he does not love you?? or care in the least little bit? This is something I will never know I don't guess.
"Neither a lofty degree of intelligence, nor imagination, nor both together go to the making of Genius.
Love Love Love, that is the soul of a Genius!"
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
Ahhh.. i love that saying..
and this one.. though i forget who wrote it. :(
"Our Ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside of ourselves will affect us."
I pour love into all that i do~
Anyway, my home phone is totally jacked now. I picked it up and tried to call him and it gave me some recording, telling me to call customer service. So bascially is not letting me make any more long distant phone calls.
But last week I bought a phone card to call him, since I was *supposed* to call him on Monday and he blew me off like usual, so i used that instead.. because I wanted to tell him that I think he is a low-life drunk, a liar and he will never ever hear from me again and bascially hang up.
But lo' and behold he is a chicken a*s and does not answer his phone. I knew it was only 10% chance that he would answer his phone, but i had to try anyway. I'm not like him. I don't beat around the bush. When something is over, it is over. I want to tell the person, adios. Goodbye. Kiss off. Whatever. At least there is some closure. With lano, he lies like a dog. He speaks words of loves, lies, even talks of marriages, does whatever it takes to break your heart all over again. *screams*
That guy has some serious mental problems. He doesn't want to speak to you, yet he doesn't want to end things either and will go so far as to making up one lie after another just so you do not end things with him.
Why wouldn't he want it to end if he does not love you?? or care in the least little bit? This is something I will never know I don't guess.
"Neither a lofty degree of intelligence, nor imagination, nor both together go to the making of Genius.
Love Love Love, that is the soul of a Genius!"
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
Ahhh.. i love that saying..
and this one.. though i forget who wrote it. :(
"Our Ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside of ourselves will affect us."
I pour love into all that i do~
embrisa/pamela.
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