As the days go by, I wonder how I ever loved this person at all. Well, I know how. I felt sorry for him. When I first met him, he had nobody in his life at all except his booze. Not even his parents wanted anything to do with him. He sat inside an empty house day after day, night after night, crying and drinking and complaining that nobody wanted nothing to do with him. Yet out of all that time I was the only one who stood by him. Funny in the end, i'm the one who takes it up the behind.
After his parents lost their business and everything they owned and had to move to some small town in S. Africa, where his mothers brother lives.. who was going to give them all jobs and support them till they got on their feet...he decided working for his 2 american dollars a day and his glue sniffing, moth smelling girl, who let him abuse her was far worth more than any kind of love I could give him.
Yet, time after time... whenever he would get into an argument with her, he'd come a'runnin back to me. "oh i love you, i love you. I need you. I will do anything to be with you. Nobody means as much to me as you do and blah blah blah" and time after time i'd fall for it all over again.
His mother is no better. A lady he claims his mother is? Yet they have the audacity to sit and gossip and lie about me when I always treated everybody in his family with the utmost respect and common curtsey. It got to the point where I would call and she would actually accuse me to my face (well, on the phone) "did you just call here and hang up on me?" Like i am sooo stupid that I would actually call his house and hang up on his mother only to call back and ask for him? That makes no sense to me and i'd have to be mentally retarded to do something that stupid.
But in the end, it was just a ploy so I would not call and ask for Lano no more. Why play stupid games when over and over I told Lano, "if this relationship is over, all you have to do is say so and make it easy on both me and my heart." but it was always "no no, it is not over..why would you think that? I love you.. " and his same old bullcrap lines.
Now a battle rages on inside of me. A small part of me (my heart) still loves him in the tiniest way. But the rest of me hates him soooo much that if i could, i'd destroy him. But I would do it sooo slowly and so painful, just as he is doing to me.. that he would have no doubts at all that it was me who was cursing his a*s.
For me to speak this way is very shocking to myself because I have never ever been a lady of hate. I've always loved everybody. Every night I sit and do exercises on forgiveness and releasing anger and resentment, but perhaps my soul just is not ready to forgive him yet because it is just not working. In the past, whenever he wronged me (which was a thousand and ten times) I always forgave him on the drop of a dime. Maybe that is another reason he took advantage of me the way he did. Because i was such a sucker to forgive him the way I did.
Sometimes I sit and think about our last few conversations. Sometimes I'd say something pertaining to "us" and he would say "Nooooo"... but give no reason for it. I guess I was not thinking because I was not picking up on the subtle hints he was giving me that things were not the same between us and he just did not love me no more, if ever. Yet, while he was saying Noooo .. he was still saying "i love you and when are you going to send me the money to come to you pammie?" *laughs* I am soo glad I never sent that fool a dime of my money though I spent thousands of dollars on him in other ways. Gifts, etc.. but the main way was by calling him. Calling S. Africa was not cheap and I am still paying off those phone bills though we have not spoke since February.
So that is that. I guess he found the stupid American chick he was looking to use while he could. Get all he could get out of her. Abuse her all he could possibly abuse her and then run like hell. Yes, I guess Lano got what he wanted.
But the next time around, I HOPE he is the one who gets taken for the sucker and gets heartbroken. I hope he falls down a staircase and breaks his legs. Heck, I don't know what I hope for that lyin' dog.. but whatever it is, I hope it is the worst of the worst.
Anyway, enough venting about him. He doesn't deserve so much of my time.
Tomorrow is my birthday. Ugggh. But I have some awesome flowers coming... i think like 40 tulips. 20 white and 20 red in a red vase. Hmmm. i love flowers. Almost as many flowers for as many years old as I will be. lol.
Also, my fingers finally quit bleeding from the fish bowl exploding in my hands, but the gashes are huge and can see the inside of my fingers. I know I probably should of had stitches, but at least it is healing without. Also been using an iodine wash on them. Ouch that burns.
Okie, I am done gripping for the moment.
Love Embrisa.
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