These past days have been very hard for me, more so than usual. I am experiencing depression on a level that I have never known before. Usually spring is a time of great happiness for me,with all the flowers and trees blooming and budding. The fresh smell of greenness and just the renewal of life in general I guess. But this year just feels so different for me.
The depression is horrifying. It feels like I am in a big black pit, clawing and scraping but never to find the top, never to find the daylight, never to find the fresh air or the sun. It is so hard to describe depression and I guess if somebody had to ask me if I could describe it to them, I would have to tell them no, there are so many facets of it, almost like a diamond, only it is not beautiful like a diamond. It is lonely and scary and it is right at this time in ones life when you find out who your true friends are.
I never did have a huge amount of friends, but I always thought the friends I did have were true, but it seems even the ones I thought loved me most are the ones who are walking away. I guess the old saying is true.. "laugh and the world laughs with You, cry and You cry alone." Such a sadness for mankind I think, that we cannot even stand by our brothers and sisters when we are needed most.
It seems i go through my darkest hours of depression some days, some weeks - whatever - after Lano has got done contacting me, feeding my head full of his "i love you's" and then telling me to contact him and I always do try but i'm always given the big shaft. For some reason, no matter how many times I go through it, it throws my world into some kind of wild spin. In the forefront of my mind, I do not believe his words of love, but somewhere in my heart - i do.. i want to believe that he loves me as much as I love him. Oh, what a tangled web we weave. :-(
I guess I will keep on experiencing this until one day my heart catches up with my head and i've said enough is enough and I tell him to go f*ck off. I guess only then will i be truly free and able to start my life fresh, i don't know.
Anyway, i'm going go jump in a hot shower and see if that can help my depressed head some. LOL. never know.
Peace and Love to all,
embrisa/pamela
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