It is so odd, sometimes in the middle of the night I get the most intense feeling that I need to write.. That I need to get it all out yet, I'm not even so sure what is hidden beneath the surface that needs to come out. Funny how our brain works at times.
I do know that something is bothering me again because it has been two days since I laid my head upon a pillow and slept properly. I've been sleeping again sitting up which makes me feel horrible, grouchy and tearful. I guess we all need proper rest to function right.
I feel like a broken down love song, a love song that never got that smile, that never got a chance. A note flowing from a love song ~~ drifting.. But never finding the right ears, yet somehow drifting through the universe.. Sometimes quivering. Yes, the one with the lonely eyes.
I honestly do not know what to write. Everything I have to say is so sad. How can I face a new day when I do not have one ounce of positivity to me?
Turn Your Head, Yeah Baby... Just Spit Me Out!
I think I am even past ever finding love. Seems it just will not happen for me. Either I am interested in him and he could give a rats a*s about me or He is interested in me and I'm so blind I'd never even know it if I got hit up along side the head. Or else other crazy mis-understandings happen and the friendship just ends. *snap*
So why worry about love?
I think that is why I like Buddhism so much. One of the things they teach is we create our own pain and suffering by our "needs"
Well, i "think" i need love, i crave love.. blah blah.. so therefore, i am always in a state of suffering. If i just let go of this notion that I need love. If i could just be happy with who I am and what I have in my life now all the suffering I have would disappear. At least in that department.
But there is a part of me that know I will always love Lano, just like I will always love my mom and father and other family members. But Lano is different, I love him with every single beat of my heart in the most passionate of ways. I guess he know this too and even uses this against me because when we speak and when he knows I am ready to say goodbye to him forever.. he actually says things like, "don't you feel the bond between us pammie?" Yes, i do feel the bond Lano - the problem is, do You? hah. Do You feel anything at all Lano?
One of my newer friends whom I met on Yahoo, who moved to the USA with his wife, who is from the USA, by the way... (kind of a weird mixed up story, even how we became friends) I think I made him angry at me last night. He asked me if I posted any of the new pictures in my yahoo photo album and I told him yes, but only two of them -- explaining one was of my betta fish. He went on to ask me the name of my fish and I told him he would have to look at the pictures to find out the name of my fish. LOL. i don't think he liked that very much because he actually hung up on me and never returned.
He has actually changed a lot. When I was first getting to know him he seemed open-minded and talked about his fetish etc. But the more I got to know him it seemed the more trapped he became inside, the more un-willing he was to share.
Now it seems very important for him that I meet his wife. Not that I have any problem with meeting his wife, she seems like a very sweet and kind woman but I did not know it would be at the cost of our (his and mine) friendship.
At any rate, he has always seemed interested.. Just something about him has changed and I can't quite put my finger on it.
Peace and Love,
embrisa/pamela
Friday, May 20, 2005
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Dazed and Confused
These past days have been very hard for me, more so than usual. I am experiencing depression on a level that I have never known before. Usually spring is a time of great happiness for me,with all the flowers and trees blooming and budding. The fresh smell of greenness and just the renewal of life in general I guess. But this year just feels so different for me.
The depression is horrifying. It feels like I am in a big black pit, clawing and scraping but never to find the top, never to find the daylight, never to find the fresh air or the sun. It is so hard to describe depression and I guess if somebody had to ask me if I could describe it to them, I would have to tell them no, there are so many facets of it, almost like a diamond, only it is not beautiful like a diamond. It is lonely and scary and it is right at this time in ones life when you find out who your true friends are.
I never did have a huge amount of friends, but I always thought the friends I did have were true, but it seems even the ones I thought loved me most are the ones who are walking away. I guess the old saying is true.. "laugh and the world laughs with You, cry and You cry alone." Such a sadness for mankind I think, that we cannot even stand by our brothers and sisters when we are needed most.
It seems i go through my darkest hours of depression some days, some weeks - whatever - after Lano has got done contacting me, feeding my head full of his "i love you's" and then telling me to contact him and I always do try but i'm always given the big shaft. For some reason, no matter how many times I go through it, it throws my world into some kind of wild spin. In the forefront of my mind, I do not believe his words of love, but somewhere in my heart - i do.. i want to believe that he loves me as much as I love him. Oh, what a tangled web we weave. :-(
I guess I will keep on experiencing this until one day my heart catches up with my head and i've said enough is enough and I tell him to go f*ck off. I guess only then will i be truly free and able to start my life fresh, i don't know.
Anyway, i'm going go jump in a hot shower and see if that can help my depressed head some. LOL. never know.
Peace and Love to all,
embrisa/pamela
The depression is horrifying. It feels like I am in a big black pit, clawing and scraping but never to find the top, never to find the daylight, never to find the fresh air or the sun. It is so hard to describe depression and I guess if somebody had to ask me if I could describe it to them, I would have to tell them no, there are so many facets of it, almost like a diamond, only it is not beautiful like a diamond. It is lonely and scary and it is right at this time in ones life when you find out who your true friends are.
I never did have a huge amount of friends, but I always thought the friends I did have were true, but it seems even the ones I thought loved me most are the ones who are walking away. I guess the old saying is true.. "laugh and the world laughs with You, cry and You cry alone." Such a sadness for mankind I think, that we cannot even stand by our brothers and sisters when we are needed most.
It seems i go through my darkest hours of depression some days, some weeks - whatever - after Lano has got done contacting me, feeding my head full of his "i love you's" and then telling me to contact him and I always do try but i'm always given the big shaft. For some reason, no matter how many times I go through it, it throws my world into some kind of wild spin. In the forefront of my mind, I do not believe his words of love, but somewhere in my heart - i do.. i want to believe that he loves me as much as I love him. Oh, what a tangled web we weave. :-(
I guess I will keep on experiencing this until one day my heart catches up with my head and i've said enough is enough and I tell him to go f*ck off. I guess only then will i be truly free and able to start my life fresh, i don't know.
Anyway, i'm going go jump in a hot shower and see if that can help my depressed head some. LOL. never know.
Peace and Love to all,
embrisa/pamela
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Something On Kabbalah I Found Interesting!
I've studied Kabbalah, the mystical part of Judaism for a couple of Years now and was looking through some old e-mails and found this, thought it was rather interesting and thought I might share it.
For anybody looking for light In their lives, or answers.. it might help?
Let Your Soul Take Control
New students often ask me to explain Kabbalah in a sentence. I tell them, 'I don't need a whole sentence—just one word—control.
'What do I mean by control? I certainly don't mean manipulating people or situations to suit your selfish wants. I do mean the ability to never be a victim and to always know how to transform a bad situation into a good one—for you and everyone involved.
In kabbalistic terminology, control is seeing the Light in every situation.
And that's where most people lose control. When someone in our life is filled with unpredictable venom, when emotional buttons are being triggered, when there seems to be nothing good that can come out of it, we feel like helpless victims and we relinquish our power.
Our challenge is to have the strength and character to always see the Light, even in the darkest situations. And we can uncover the Light by asking two questions:
1. Why is it happening to me?
2. What's the bigger picture here?
Asking 'why is it happening to me?' helps us focus on what the situation came to teach us and how we can use it to transform our chaos. Don't forget what you learned in Power of Kabbalah Level 1—difficult situations are simply Light contained within klippot (shells of negativity.) Avoiding the situation is essentially rejecting the Creator's gifts! Think about that one…
It means switching your pain response from, 'how can I get rid of this?' to 'bring it on!'
Asking the second question, 'what's the bigger picture here?' takes the focus off us and puts it on the other person—in a sharing manner. Instead of focusing on how the situation is hurting us, we need to ask what need is going unmet in the other person and how can we help them, if at all.
The beauty of this two-step process is that the moment we see at least one answer clearly, the situation begins to resolve itself. The reason is, when we see the Light at work in the situation, we have stepped out of 'victim mode' and into 'control mode.'
I have a wonderful student who has been working hard on herself, working on revealing who she really is—a powerful, caring soul. And she's been going through a tough time lately with her father. He's been verbally abusive and causing her to feel poorly about herself. In trying to help her, I recounted an experience I had with a person sitting in on one of my lectures during The Red String Book Tour.
The topic of the lecture was the mirroring effect, which stated simply, says that what we see in others is really a reflection of what is inside of us. One of the attendees raised her hand to tell me of a nagging co-worker who constantly gets under her skin.
'There is no way I am this obnoxious,' she told me.
I answered that she (the attendee) must be nagging someone else in her life—even if to a much lesser extent. She couldn't accept this but agreed to think it over. Well, she emailed me a week later, elated.
“I realized that I am doing the same thing to my husband. But I thought I was being 'spiritual' because I was nagging him to share, to be more forgiving, to practice meditation. But it was creating separation between us and if I wasn't so thoroughly disgusted with my coworker's behavior, I might not have gotten a grip on my own actions.
'So, in the case of my first student, the first question about: Why is this happening to her?—while she may or may not be acting as terribly as her father, the fact that she is going through this extreme experience is a wake-up call for her to prevent this cycle from continuing with her own kids (and that is just one possible answer.)
In terms of the second question, (What is her bigger picture?) maybe her dad needs to be given boundaries on how he can treat her, or maybe she needs to simply feel his pain, without allowing herself to be sucked into his movie.
And to the student's credit, she has treated her Dad with tolerance and human dignity. She has not run away from this problem and because of that she is revealing tremendous Light in other areas of her life.
This week, I'd like you to practice this procedure on every difficult situation you face. No matter how painful it is to look inside, no matter how tough it is to confront your issues, now is the time to take back the control that is your destiny and always has been. It's as simple as it is effective. Have a great week!
For anybody looking for light In their lives, or answers.. it might help?
Let Your Soul Take Control
New students often ask me to explain Kabbalah in a sentence. I tell them, 'I don't need a whole sentence—just one word—control.
'What do I mean by control? I certainly don't mean manipulating people or situations to suit your selfish wants. I do mean the ability to never be a victim and to always know how to transform a bad situation into a good one—for you and everyone involved.
In kabbalistic terminology, control is seeing the Light in every situation.
And that's where most people lose control. When someone in our life is filled with unpredictable venom, when emotional buttons are being triggered, when there seems to be nothing good that can come out of it, we feel like helpless victims and we relinquish our power.
Our challenge is to have the strength and character to always see the Light, even in the darkest situations. And we can uncover the Light by asking two questions:
1. Why is it happening to me?
2. What's the bigger picture here?
Asking 'why is it happening to me?' helps us focus on what the situation came to teach us and how we can use it to transform our chaos. Don't forget what you learned in Power of Kabbalah Level 1—difficult situations are simply Light contained within klippot (shells of negativity.) Avoiding the situation is essentially rejecting the Creator's gifts! Think about that one…
It means switching your pain response from, 'how can I get rid of this?' to 'bring it on!'
Asking the second question, 'what's the bigger picture here?' takes the focus off us and puts it on the other person—in a sharing manner. Instead of focusing on how the situation is hurting us, we need to ask what need is going unmet in the other person and how can we help them, if at all.
The beauty of this two-step process is that the moment we see at least one answer clearly, the situation begins to resolve itself. The reason is, when we see the Light at work in the situation, we have stepped out of 'victim mode' and into 'control mode.'
I have a wonderful student who has been working hard on herself, working on revealing who she really is—a powerful, caring soul. And she's been going through a tough time lately with her father. He's been verbally abusive and causing her to feel poorly about herself. In trying to help her, I recounted an experience I had with a person sitting in on one of my lectures during The Red String Book Tour.
The topic of the lecture was the mirroring effect, which stated simply, says that what we see in others is really a reflection of what is inside of us. One of the attendees raised her hand to tell me of a nagging co-worker who constantly gets under her skin.
'There is no way I am this obnoxious,' she told me.
I answered that she (the attendee) must be nagging someone else in her life—even if to a much lesser extent. She couldn't accept this but agreed to think it over. Well, she emailed me a week later, elated.
“I realized that I am doing the same thing to my husband. But I thought I was being 'spiritual' because I was nagging him to share, to be more forgiving, to practice meditation. But it was creating separation between us and if I wasn't so thoroughly disgusted with my coworker's behavior, I might not have gotten a grip on my own actions.
'So, in the case of my first student, the first question about: Why is this happening to her?—while she may or may not be acting as terribly as her father, the fact that she is going through this extreme experience is a wake-up call for her to prevent this cycle from continuing with her own kids (and that is just one possible answer.)
In terms of the second question, (What is her bigger picture?) maybe her dad needs to be given boundaries on how he can treat her, or maybe she needs to simply feel his pain, without allowing herself to be sucked into his movie.
And to the student's credit, she has treated her Dad with tolerance and human dignity. She has not run away from this problem and because of that she is revealing tremendous Light in other areas of her life.
This week, I'd like you to practice this procedure on every difficult situation you face. No matter how painful it is to look inside, no matter how tough it is to confront your issues, now is the time to take back the control that is your destiny and always has been. It's as simple as it is effective. Have a great week!
When I am overcome with feelings of doubt or panic or with thoughts of doom, these letters reveal the order that underlies chaos.
I become enlightened to the Creator’s master plan as it pertains to my purpose in this world and to the problems I face.
Hebrew Text is always read from Right to Left.
Shalom,
Embrisa/Pamela.
Enough With The Crazy Tests!
Okay, So these tests are fun for a period.. but after a while they get boring and kind of foolish. I had to do the fairie one, since I love fairies.. they my favorite wee ones. ;-)
I really, really want to put up a new template but have NO idea how to do it. It is kind of funny since I do know how to code HTML. But when I look at the templates I get freaked out. So if anybody reads this and has any idea how to put up a new template, and feels like helping a newbie, please write to me and send any kind of help you can - it would be deely appreciated. I even have the template I wish to put up. woohoo. I guess I could always write the people here at blogger and beg for their help. hmmm.
On another note, I think I had a case of food poisoning for almost 4 days. I was feeling pretty darn good till last friday when I went out and ran a bunch of errands, afterwards I stopped and bought some fast food. I guess about an hour after I ate that I started sweating and had major stomach cramps, vomiting and just generally laying in bed and sobbing. LOL.
Guess it lasted about 4 days. Today Is first day I feel like more like myself than I have in some days and it once again reminds me that I should learn to cook and eat in my own home. At least I know what I am cooking, how I am cooking it and that I did not spit on it, drop it on a dirty floor and still serve it, whatever the case may be - it is just generally more healthier to cook and eat at home and much more cheaper as well.
Anyway, i am just glad i am feeling better.. and half-way smiling again.
A day dawns, quite like other days; in it, a single hour comes, quite like other hours; but in that day and in that hour the chance of a lifetime faces us.
I really, really want to put up a new template but have NO idea how to do it. It is kind of funny since I do know how to code HTML. But when I look at the templates I get freaked out. So if anybody reads this and has any idea how to put up a new template, and feels like helping a newbie, please write to me and send any kind of help you can - it would be deely appreciated. I even have the template I wish to put up. woohoo. I guess I could always write the people here at blogger and beg for their help. hmmm.
On another note, I think I had a case of food poisoning for almost 4 days. I was feeling pretty darn good till last friday when I went out and ran a bunch of errands, afterwards I stopped and bought some fast food. I guess about an hour after I ate that I started sweating and had major stomach cramps, vomiting and just generally laying in bed and sobbing. LOL.
Guess it lasted about 4 days. Today Is first day I feel like more like myself than I have in some days and it once again reminds me that I should learn to cook and eat in my own home. At least I know what I am cooking, how I am cooking it and that I did not spit on it, drop it on a dirty floor and still serve it, whatever the case may be - it is just generally more healthier to cook and eat at home and much more cheaper as well.
Anyway, i am just glad i am feeling better.. and half-way smiling again.
A day dawns, quite like other days; in it, a single hour comes, quite like other hours; but in that day and in that hour the chance of a lifetime faces us.
Love and Light,
embrisa/pamela
Which Dysfunctional Fairie Are You?
I loved this one, mostly cause I love Fairies! Yeehaw. :-)
 | You scored as A Too Sweet Faerie. So sweet your totally sugared up! Has there ever been anyone so nice. Quick to forgive and quick to forget, everybody wants to know you! You've just got to make sure nobody takes advantage and tries to use you, don't be afraid to say no sometimes!
Which Dysfunctional Faerie are You? created with QuizFarm.com |
What Type Of Love Am I?
CUTE? who me? cute? ewwww.. i could of lived with passionate, but cute? How can one be a cute lover?? *coughs*
 | You scored as Cute!!. OMG YOU ARE CUTE!! Everyone thinks so!! Don't ever change your outlook on love and life!! You rock!
What type of love are you? created with QuizFarm.com |
Cultural Creative?
 | You scored as Cultural Creative. Cultural Creatives are probably the newest group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy away from organized religion but still feels as if there is something greater than ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not religious. Life has a meaning outside of the rational.
What is Your World View? (corrected...hopefully) created with QuizFarm.com |
Sunday, May 15, 2005
Forever!
It feels like it has been forever since I got to sit down and write, though I've wanted to many times.
For two days I was desperately ill. Felt like I had the stomach flu or perhaps it was just something I ate that was bad. I'm still not feeling 100% better, but good enough to be up for awhile.
I am guessing that snake Lano made up with his mommy because he has ignored once again, any type of communication I try to throw his way. I call his work number, he has somebody in the office answer his phone that does not speak english. I call his home, no answer - when I know he is there. Ho - Hum. I am tired of playing his childish games.
I think I am still thrown off by his little comment, "it is either my mother or you." eek. I just don't know what to think about that one. Never heard a grown man speak like that or say such a thing. Those words just keep flashing over and over in my head like a neon sign outside of some cheap hotel. LOL.
Anyway, I told the snake to go make up with his mother and to not treat her bad. That how he treats his mother is how he will treat any woman he is in a relationship with. I think that hit him pretty hard as already that morning he was whining why wasn't his mommy home, after he had kicked her out of her own house, he was wondering where she was. Smart fella he is.
Truly makes me wonder how I ever fell in love with a man like him. But when I first met Lano he was not drinking as much as he is now. He didn't start drinking as much as he is now until his father lost their business and they had to move out of Gonubie, some small seaside village to an inland town further down the coast, not far from Port Elizabeth.
Not long after moving there his father was drunk and took a can filled with gas and lit himself on fire. I guess his father survived maybe 5 or 6 months after doing that before he left this earth for good. May He rest in peace.
Anyway, that was very tragic on Lano, i know.. but I guess deep down Lano has always been a momma's boy. Never straying far from momma. He claims he has lived other places before but I don't know if I believe him or not. It seems Lano was and is a chronic liar, so it is always hard to tell fact from fiction with him. always.
For a man who will be turning 34 years old, one would figure he would not be making comments like "it is either my mother or you.." or still be hiding behind mommys apron ribbon the way he does. He won't even go to a proper barber to get a hair cut, mommy cuts his hair and to be truthful, every picture i've ever seen, it has always been uneven. He needs to go see a professional barber.
Okay Okay, didn't mean to turn this into a Lano b*tch session. I just seem to be stuck in some kind of vortex. When is Pamela going to learn her lesson with this man? He only speaks to her when he needs something from her. When he is lonely. etc. But screw Pamela when she is lonely, when she is crying her heart out over heart break - not knowing if it is over or not, etc.
Sometimes I wait literal months upon months to hear from him, even a peep, he could not contact me for this reason or that reason.. but it was especially funny.. when he was mad at mommy and threw her out of her own home, he FOUND a way to contact Pamela very quickly and even admited that he did NOT like to be alone. *holds her head and screams* But as long as he was NOT lonely, everything in his world was just little fresh daisies, screw everybody else. *kicks sand in his face*
ENOUGH of that!
I don't know if any of You are familiar with the Tibetan culture, but they are so rich in culture and have suffered so much abuse and hatred, even in their own lands in the past that it just breaks my heart. So If You find it in Your heart to support the Tibetan culture and Tibetan monks, please visit this link. :-)
Much Love and Light,
embrisa/pamela
For two days I was desperately ill. Felt like I had the stomach flu or perhaps it was just something I ate that was bad. I'm still not feeling 100% better, but good enough to be up for awhile.
I am guessing that snake Lano made up with his mommy because he has ignored once again, any type of communication I try to throw his way. I call his work number, he has somebody in the office answer his phone that does not speak english. I call his home, no answer - when I know he is there. Ho - Hum. I am tired of playing his childish games.
I think I am still thrown off by his little comment, "it is either my mother or you." eek. I just don't know what to think about that one. Never heard a grown man speak like that or say such a thing. Those words just keep flashing over and over in my head like a neon sign outside of some cheap hotel. LOL.
Anyway, I told the snake to go make up with his mother and to not treat her bad. That how he treats his mother is how he will treat any woman he is in a relationship with. I think that hit him pretty hard as already that morning he was whining why wasn't his mommy home, after he had kicked her out of her own house, he was wondering where she was. Smart fella he is.
Truly makes me wonder how I ever fell in love with a man like him. But when I first met Lano he was not drinking as much as he is now. He didn't start drinking as much as he is now until his father lost their business and they had to move out of Gonubie, some small seaside village to an inland town further down the coast, not far from Port Elizabeth.
Not long after moving there his father was drunk and took a can filled with gas and lit himself on fire. I guess his father survived maybe 5 or 6 months after doing that before he left this earth for good. May He rest in peace.
Anyway, that was very tragic on Lano, i know.. but I guess deep down Lano has always been a momma's boy. Never straying far from momma. He claims he has lived other places before but I don't know if I believe him or not. It seems Lano was and is a chronic liar, so it is always hard to tell fact from fiction with him. always.
For a man who will be turning 34 years old, one would figure he would not be making comments like "it is either my mother or you.." or still be hiding behind mommys apron ribbon the way he does. He won't even go to a proper barber to get a hair cut, mommy cuts his hair and to be truthful, every picture i've ever seen, it has always been uneven. He needs to go see a professional barber.
Okay Okay, didn't mean to turn this into a Lano b*tch session. I just seem to be stuck in some kind of vortex. When is Pamela going to learn her lesson with this man? He only speaks to her when he needs something from her. When he is lonely. etc. But screw Pamela when she is lonely, when she is crying her heart out over heart break - not knowing if it is over or not, etc.
Sometimes I wait literal months upon months to hear from him, even a peep, he could not contact me for this reason or that reason.. but it was especially funny.. when he was mad at mommy and threw her out of her own home, he FOUND a way to contact Pamela very quickly and even admited that he did NOT like to be alone. *holds her head and screams* But as long as he was NOT lonely, everything in his world was just little fresh daisies, screw everybody else. *kicks sand in his face*
ENOUGH of that!
I don't know if any of You are familiar with the Tibetan culture, but they are so rich in culture and have suffered so much abuse and hatred, even in their own lands in the past that it just breaks my heart. So If You find it in Your heart to support the Tibetan culture and Tibetan monks, please visit this link. :-)
Much Love and Light,
embrisa/pamela
Monday, May 09, 2005
All These Things
I feel severly mentally confused. The events that have taken place these past couple days have totally drained me out not only physically but also totally mentally.
Sometime this past weekend Lano was calling my home. From the looks on my caller ID it would of been 5/7/05. The only reason I can see that he called me was because he got into a fight with his mother and she actually left the house. He sounded drunk off his a*s and didn't seem to have any real reason why he was arguing with his mother other than the fact that she was standing up for herself while he was drunk and trying to cause her problems. *frowns*
I guess from what he told me is she actually told him to go "f*ck off" and he told her to leave her own house. doh and so she did it. She has lots of family in this town they live in, so i'm sure she had no problems staying with one of her sisters or something, but I can't believe he would tell his own mother to leave her own house and she would actually do it.
Well, I guess the lady has been under alot of stress these past couple of months, having just lost her own husband (he passed away right in their own bedroom) and now her brother is dying of cancer and she is spending lots of time going back and forth from hospital to be with him. That i guess she just cannot handle Lano's drunken a*sholish moods.
He told me during that conversation that is was either his mother or me?? I thought what the heck kind of thinking is this? I do not understand his way of thinking and I never will and I told him so. That is mother was NOT his wife. That he does not have sex with his mother. That loving ones mother and one's lover (wife, etc) was two totally different kinds of love.
He also called me yesterday and had the guts to cuss me out for him having to call me? That I just did not jump out of bed and automatically ring him. LOL. what a joke and told him so about that as well. That usually he does not bother to answer his phone so why do I want to put myself through the same old games as usual. But i guess with him still not getting along so great with his mother he felt he needed to speak to me?
I reminded him that the way he treats his mother is the way he will treat any woman he ever loves in his life. But i'm sure he already knew that.
Anyway, he is a dark kind of energy that is very draining upon ones soul and i still feel tired. I just wanted to make note of what was going on before i forgot the dates.
Love & Peace
embrisa
Sometime this past weekend Lano was calling my home. From the looks on my caller ID it would of been 5/7/05. The only reason I can see that he called me was because he got into a fight with his mother and she actually left the house. He sounded drunk off his a*s and didn't seem to have any real reason why he was arguing with his mother other than the fact that she was standing up for herself while he was drunk and trying to cause her problems. *frowns*
I guess from what he told me is she actually told him to go "f*ck off" and he told her to leave her own house. doh and so she did it. She has lots of family in this town they live in, so i'm sure she had no problems staying with one of her sisters or something, but I can't believe he would tell his own mother to leave her own house and she would actually do it.
Well, I guess the lady has been under alot of stress these past couple of months, having just lost her own husband (he passed away right in their own bedroom) and now her brother is dying of cancer and she is spending lots of time going back and forth from hospital to be with him. That i guess she just cannot handle Lano's drunken a*sholish moods.
He told me during that conversation that is was either his mother or me?? I thought what the heck kind of thinking is this? I do not understand his way of thinking and I never will and I told him so. That is mother was NOT his wife. That he does not have sex with his mother. That loving ones mother and one's lover (wife, etc) was two totally different kinds of love.
He also called me yesterday and had the guts to cuss me out for him having to call me? That I just did not jump out of bed and automatically ring him. LOL. what a joke and told him so about that as well. That usually he does not bother to answer his phone so why do I want to put myself through the same old games as usual. But i guess with him still not getting along so great with his mother he felt he needed to speak to me?
I reminded him that the way he treats his mother is the way he will treat any woman he ever loves in his life. But i'm sure he already knew that.
Anyway, he is a dark kind of energy that is very draining upon ones soul and i still feel tired. I just wanted to make note of what was going on before i forgot the dates.
Love & Peace
embrisa
Saturday, May 07, 2005
One Week Later
Well, It has been exactly one week since I last spoke to Mr. Liar Lano. I guess not exactly one week, since we spoke well into the following day, but this is about the time that I called him last week - when he actually picked up his phone like a man and spoke. *laughs at the man part*
Anyway, my home phone is totally jacked now. I picked it up and tried to call him and it gave me some recording, telling me to call customer service. So bascially is not letting me make any more long distant phone calls.
But last week I bought a phone card to call him, since I was *supposed* to call him on Monday and he blew me off like usual, so i used that instead.. because I wanted to tell him that I think he is a low-life drunk, a liar and he will never ever hear from me again and bascially hang up.
But lo' and behold he is a chicken a*s and does not answer his phone. I knew it was only 10% chance that he would answer his phone, but i had to try anyway. I'm not like him. I don't beat around the bush. When something is over, it is over. I want to tell the person, adios. Goodbye. Kiss off. Whatever. At least there is some closure. With lano, he lies like a dog. He speaks words of loves, lies, even talks of marriages, does whatever it takes to break your heart all over again. *screams*
That guy has some serious mental problems. He doesn't want to speak to you, yet he doesn't want to end things either and will go so far as to making up one lie after another just so you do not end things with him.
Why wouldn't he want it to end if he does not love you?? or care in the least little bit? This is something I will never know I don't guess.
"Neither a lofty degree of intelligence, nor imagination, nor both together go to the making of Genius.
Love Love Love, that is the soul of a Genius!"
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
Ahhh.. i love that saying..
and this one.. though i forget who wrote it. :(
"Our Ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside of ourselves will affect us."
I pour love into all that i do~
Anyway, my home phone is totally jacked now. I picked it up and tried to call him and it gave me some recording, telling me to call customer service. So bascially is not letting me make any more long distant phone calls.
But last week I bought a phone card to call him, since I was *supposed* to call him on Monday and he blew me off like usual, so i used that instead.. because I wanted to tell him that I think he is a low-life drunk, a liar and he will never ever hear from me again and bascially hang up.
But lo' and behold he is a chicken a*s and does not answer his phone. I knew it was only 10% chance that he would answer his phone, but i had to try anyway. I'm not like him. I don't beat around the bush. When something is over, it is over. I want to tell the person, adios. Goodbye. Kiss off. Whatever. At least there is some closure. With lano, he lies like a dog. He speaks words of loves, lies, even talks of marriages, does whatever it takes to break your heart all over again. *screams*
That guy has some serious mental problems. He doesn't want to speak to you, yet he doesn't want to end things either and will go so far as to making up one lie after another just so you do not end things with him.
Why wouldn't he want it to end if he does not love you?? or care in the least little bit? This is something I will never know I don't guess.
"Neither a lofty degree of intelligence, nor imagination, nor both together go to the making of Genius.
Love Love Love, that is the soul of a Genius!"
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
Ahhh.. i love that saying..
and this one.. though i forget who wrote it. :(
"Our Ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside of ourselves will affect us."
I pour love into all that i do~
embrisa/pamela.
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
What Kind Of Soul Am I?
Both these tests seem to fit me to a tee. Strange that is. Some seem to hit it right on the nose, others seem to be miles off the mark.
You Are a Prophet Soul |
 You are a gentle soul, with good intentions toward everyone. Selfless and kind, you have great faith in people. Sometimes this faith can lead to disappoinment in the long run. No matter what, you deal with everything in a calm and balanced way. You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle. Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings. A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning. You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer. Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul |
What Is My Love Number?
Your Love Number is |
2 Of all the numbers, you are the most caring and empathetic lover. Unselfish and humble, you find it easy to forgive your sweetie's mistakes. At times, your need to please can be come a bit too needy. As long as you remain somewhat independent, your relationships are perfectly balanced. |
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Well I guess being an Aries, I stood firm by my star sign and did not give up on Lano. I actually kept trying to call him and to my 'dismay' he answered his telephone on Saturday.
I guess it was the most stupidest thing I ever did. I just have too many problems in my life to have to deal with heart break over and over again. Not to mention broken promises.
His words were actually very sweet and kind and he proclaimed his love to me over and over again. Along with all the sweetness and his words of love (lies) he invited me to his house to live and become his mate for life. (i don't see how he can live with himself for lying so blantly to somebody who loves him so much)
Anyway, we spent like 16 hours on the phone, which is NOT good for me since i still owe almost 600 dollars and it is due to be shut off by the phone company any day. Now add another 16 hours onto my poor phonebill and the new charges alone will be over 1000 dollars.
So after all his proclamations of love and moving in with him, etc. He asked me to call him Monday afternoon (his time). So i spent time buying a phone card, adding more to my credit card, etc.. i had very strange feeling in gut and it turned out my gut was right because when I tried to call his house at the time he asked me to call and time we had agreed upon, he did not answer!!
I knew he was home because one time while I was trying to call, his phone was actually busy busy. So he blew me off like he normally does.
I guess it comes as no big surprise, but it dang hurts, like h*ll come and smashed into my heart 1000x's over.
I just do not understand him. Why wouldn't any honest man just tell you they do not love you, it is over, do not contact them again and that is that. At least that is the right thing to do. It gives the other person closure to their heart and lets them move on to bigger and better things. Obviously Lano is not an honest man.
I guess it was the most stupidest thing I ever did. I just have too many problems in my life to have to deal with heart break over and over again. Not to mention broken promises.
His words were actually very sweet and kind and he proclaimed his love to me over and over again. Along with all the sweetness and his words of love (lies) he invited me to his house to live and become his mate for life. (i don't see how he can live with himself for lying so blantly to somebody who loves him so much)
Anyway, we spent like 16 hours on the phone, which is NOT good for me since i still owe almost 600 dollars and it is due to be shut off by the phone company any day. Now add another 16 hours onto my poor phonebill and the new charges alone will be over 1000 dollars.
So after all his proclamations of love and moving in with him, etc. He asked me to call him Monday afternoon (his time). So i spent time buying a phone card, adding more to my credit card, etc.. i had very strange feeling in gut and it turned out my gut was right because when I tried to call his house at the time he asked me to call and time we had agreed upon, he did not answer!!
I knew he was home because one time while I was trying to call, his phone was actually busy busy. So he blew me off like he normally does.
I guess it comes as no big surprise, but it dang hurts, like h*ll come and smashed into my heart 1000x's over.
I just do not understand him. Why wouldn't any honest man just tell you they do not love you, it is over, do not contact them again and that is that. At least that is the right thing to do. It gives the other person closure to their heart and lets them move on to bigger and better things. Obviously Lano is not an honest man.
Anyway, no matter what happens now, I can never speak to Lano again. I cannot live off lies and blind faith. Also, the more I keep going back, chasing him so to speak -- the more Lano knows he can use me and knows he can get away with bull crap when it comes to my heart and my world.
I've never wished bad things against anybody or anything, but for Lano, I wish he would fall into a big hold and break his legs or his p*nis. Maybe then he'd know what true hurt is, but somehow I doubt it. It seems the only thing Lano understands is lies and manipulation, something I don't know much about but maybe something I need to learn. Hate to think I need to manipulate people the way he does though.
Love and Light to All,
embrisa/pamela.
Saturday, April 30, 2005
My Ideal Sexual Partner!
According to Tickle at http://web.tickle.com/
My Ideal Sexual Partner is:
Pamela, your ideal sexual partner is a Type 4.
A Type 4 partner radiates warmth and love. They are affectionate during sex and will rarely shy away from telling you how they feel about you. This is someone you can always rely on to be honest and sincere, since sex is the ultimate expression of their trust in you.Both physically and emotionally, a Type 4 is a sexual explorer. Orgasm is rarely the driving goal with this person and because of this, they are likely to be creative and able to take you places you may never have expected.But how do you spot your Type 4 sexual partner before becoming intimate with them? New research has shown that you can determine a person's sexual type simply by observing subtle cues in their everyday behavior.
Of course, they want 20 bucks to tell you how to spot your type..blah. everybody wants your money these days. But was a fun test to take though the results did not surprise me any.
Love & Light
embrisa/pamela
My Ideal Sexual Partner is:
Pamela, your ideal sexual partner is a Type 4.
A Type 4 partner radiates warmth and love. They are affectionate during sex and will rarely shy away from telling you how they feel about you. This is someone you can always rely on to be honest and sincere, since sex is the ultimate expression of their trust in you.Both physically and emotionally, a Type 4 is a sexual explorer. Orgasm is rarely the driving goal with this person and because of this, they are likely to be creative and able to take you places you may never have expected.But how do you spot your Type 4 sexual partner before becoming intimate with them? New research has shown that you can determine a person's sexual type simply by observing subtle cues in their everyday behavior.
Of course, they want 20 bucks to tell you how to spot your type..blah. everybody wants your money these days. But was a fun test to take though the results did not surprise me any.
Love & Light
embrisa/pamela
Bipolar and Me?
It seems that my wonderful insurance company has been doing a study on me behind my back. LOL. Which I find kind of funny, but also pisses me off a great deal.
For the past some odd months there has been a lady from the insurance company calling my house, chatting with me. I thought she was just calling to check up on my well being, to see how I am doing, etc. But seems there was other motives behind this. Since I am a diabetic with neuropathy and several other things wrong with me due to being a diabetic, I never found depression too strange. Afterall, when one is dealing with several health problems it can and often does get the best of them on occasion -- Not to mention being heartbroken from an a*s liar.
I think there was one time I was talking to this lady from the insurance company and I was telling her I was having a hard time sleeping, sometimes going days without sleep. She didn't seem to make a big issue about it but asked me some questions about it and how I felt after not sleeping for such a long period of time, etc.
Then yesterday at my regular scheduled Dr's appt. He pulled out a letter from the insurance company telling Him that I was part of a study and blah blah, he did not hide the letter.. laid it right on the desk in front of me and even allowed me to read it after listening to my heart. On it it said that they come to the conclusion that I was Bipolar and though I had denied any help regarding seeing a therapist for my depression they were hoping my doctor would talk to me and see if he could talk me into scheduling an appt with a therapist now that they had come to the conclusion I was a Bipolar.
I went to several websites that had information on it regarding Bipolar and read all I could read about Bipolar and it just does not fit me. Just because I have trouble sleeping from time to time does not make me a bipolar. That is the only thing I could see that even came close to linking me to being a bipolar. Other than that, I do not have really UP moods with really DOWN moods, etc. I mean if i am depressed, i stay depressed. It is not followed by a swing of a really UP period where I want to swing from a tree or i'm so up that I go get myself in trouble with the law. LOL. Or i become overly obsessed by sex or any of the other things that was mentioned. It just is not me, unless I am blind and some woman whom I never met and just talked to me on the phone a few times can pick up. I do not know.
I have taken these online tests before offered by drug companies and such before, but never for being a Bipolar, just for depression. I've always scored: You suffer from Major depression. Go get help. Duh. like I didn't know this.
Tonight, I took a test on Bipolarism and was only able to answer one question yes and it was the question on sleep. According to that, it said if you can even answer one question yes you should at least be checked out by a mental health care worker. blah. Like if they can help me when most of them suffer from major depression or Bipolarism themselves.
This is what gets me. How can these people possibly help another when their own lives are a total and absolute wreck?
I remember back in the early 1990's when my mother first passed away and I was so messed up from that I actually went and sought help from a therapist. I think that woman was more messed up than I was and it seemed 1/2 of my sessions were spent talking about herself and how unhappy she was and how she could not wait to be done with her schooling and this and that. Like this is what I was paying money for?
Another time I went and tried it, with some old hag of a lady.. she told me I could possibly still not be depressed over my mothers death, that it had been too long.. but for some, mourning the passing of somebody who was everything to you can take years.. maybe a lifetime. But she said absolutely not. She dug everywhere in my life except where she needed to be. That is why i am so dead set against going to see any therapist. But I did make a promise to my Dr that I would go, just for him. Not for the stupid lady on the phone. Not for some guy who wrote my Dr. saying He was doing a study on me, but for my Dr and myself. I guess I owe it to myself to at least know if i am a bipolar or not, though I greatly suspect I am not.
I know I will not speak to the lady at the insurance company again. She makes you think she is talking to You because she cares how you are doing, how is your general welfare, etc... yet in all that time they are just conducting a study on you.. you are nothing more than a guinea pig to them. I guess I should of known -- because it seems in this life, nobody genuinely cares about nobody unless there are motives.
Maybe someday I will learn what happened to LOVE on this planet.
I'm done ranting and raving for now...
embrisa/pamela.
For the past some odd months there has been a lady from the insurance company calling my house, chatting with me. I thought she was just calling to check up on my well being, to see how I am doing, etc. But seems there was other motives behind this. Since I am a diabetic with neuropathy and several other things wrong with me due to being a diabetic, I never found depression too strange. Afterall, when one is dealing with several health problems it can and often does get the best of them on occasion -- Not to mention being heartbroken from an a*s liar.
I think there was one time I was talking to this lady from the insurance company and I was telling her I was having a hard time sleeping, sometimes going days without sleep. She didn't seem to make a big issue about it but asked me some questions about it and how I felt after not sleeping for such a long period of time, etc.
Then yesterday at my regular scheduled Dr's appt. He pulled out a letter from the insurance company telling Him that I was part of a study and blah blah, he did not hide the letter.. laid it right on the desk in front of me and even allowed me to read it after listening to my heart. On it it said that they come to the conclusion that I was Bipolar and though I had denied any help regarding seeing a therapist for my depression they were hoping my doctor would talk to me and see if he could talk me into scheduling an appt with a therapist now that they had come to the conclusion I was a Bipolar.
I went to several websites that had information on it regarding Bipolar and read all I could read about Bipolar and it just does not fit me. Just because I have trouble sleeping from time to time does not make me a bipolar. That is the only thing I could see that even came close to linking me to being a bipolar. Other than that, I do not have really UP moods with really DOWN moods, etc. I mean if i am depressed, i stay depressed. It is not followed by a swing of a really UP period where I want to swing from a tree or i'm so up that I go get myself in trouble with the law. LOL. Or i become overly obsessed by sex or any of the other things that was mentioned. It just is not me, unless I am blind and some woman whom I never met and just talked to me on the phone a few times can pick up. I do not know.
I have taken these online tests before offered by drug companies and such before, but never for being a Bipolar, just for depression. I've always scored: You suffer from Major depression. Go get help. Duh. like I didn't know this.
Tonight, I took a test on Bipolarism and was only able to answer one question yes and it was the question on sleep. According to that, it said if you can even answer one question yes you should at least be checked out by a mental health care worker. blah. Like if they can help me when most of them suffer from major depression or Bipolarism themselves.
This is what gets me. How can these people possibly help another when their own lives are a total and absolute wreck?
I remember back in the early 1990's when my mother first passed away and I was so messed up from that I actually went and sought help from a therapist. I think that woman was more messed up than I was and it seemed 1/2 of my sessions were spent talking about herself and how unhappy she was and how she could not wait to be done with her schooling and this and that. Like this is what I was paying money for?
Another time I went and tried it, with some old hag of a lady.. she told me I could possibly still not be depressed over my mothers death, that it had been too long.. but for some, mourning the passing of somebody who was everything to you can take years.. maybe a lifetime. But she said absolutely not. She dug everywhere in my life except where she needed to be. That is why i am so dead set against going to see any therapist. But I did make a promise to my Dr that I would go, just for him. Not for the stupid lady on the phone. Not for some guy who wrote my Dr. saying He was doing a study on me, but for my Dr and myself. I guess I owe it to myself to at least know if i am a bipolar or not, though I greatly suspect I am not.
I know I will not speak to the lady at the insurance company again. She makes you think she is talking to You because she cares how you are doing, how is your general welfare, etc... yet in all that time they are just conducting a study on you.. you are nothing more than a guinea pig to them. I guess I should of known -- because it seems in this life, nobody genuinely cares about nobody unless there are motives.
Maybe someday I will learn what happened to LOVE on this planet.
I'm done ranting and raving for now...
embrisa/pamela.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Early Morning Post
I decided that i need to write before I went to sleep, so here it is, 3:16am in the morning and I am blogging. *laughs* It feels like I have nervous energy in my tummy and I do not know why. I think John Holland said it best, sometimes it is not "what is bothering me but "who" is bothering me"" http://www.johnholland.com .
Yesterday evening after meditation I felt very good and very positive and I kept remembering some words that I heard about Love. Something to the effect that if you give up on love, you will never know what might of been. Don't even know where I heard that at now. But I kept thinking about Lano and how he never told me goodbye and how he promised that he would tell me goodbye when our relationship was done and over with.
Yes, to tell You all the truth, if anybody ever reads all this crap I write here, I also am tired of writing about Lano, but this is the only place I have to vent my feeling and emotions about him. I've already filled zillions of paper diaries, at least this adds some interest to it all. :-)
Anyway, I decided I would try again.. to contact Lano.. to speak to him. To try anything to open the lines of communication once more. I thought the easiest route might be to call his work phone number, that way I would not have to deal with his demonized, jealous mother at home who would not even give him his telephone message. So last night I dialed his work number, since He is 8 hours ahead of me, all I got was the freaky so called voice mail they have there.. which isn't voice mail at all, all you can do is leave a call back number.
Again i tried tonight, when he was first getting to work and would of been least busiest but again, was just greeted with his funky so called voice greeting thing. I know that he has caller ID and my number shows up funny on his caller ID.. so I am sure He has some idea it is me that is calling so he is just not picking up.
I've talked to a good friend tonight about it all, and again was reminded that Lano just does not love me and it is best for me to let go and move on. I know this is true and Lano has done some really bad, hurtful things to me in these last past 5 years.. I have no idea why I love him the way that I do or why it hurts so badly to let go of him.
I do know that I am lonely and that at times he could be a very good friend, but not very often.. this is the only reason I can think that I feel so hurt over losing somebody that only treated me so badly, other than the fact that I am hooked on abuse? h*ll I do not know. *sits and whimpers to herself*
Maybe deep inside I do not feel worthy of a real, deep, loving relationship since I cannot seem to draw those kind of men to me. I only seem to draw losers and abusers to me which shows I put out that kind of energy and that is no good.
Well this build up energy in my gut is gone, so I guess it is okay to try to sleep now. Maybe it really does help to write out your problems.
Love and Peace,
embrisa/pamela.
Yesterday evening after meditation I felt very good and very positive and I kept remembering some words that I heard about Love. Something to the effect that if you give up on love, you will never know what might of been. Don't even know where I heard that at now. But I kept thinking about Lano and how he never told me goodbye and how he promised that he would tell me goodbye when our relationship was done and over with.
Yes, to tell You all the truth, if anybody ever reads all this crap I write here, I also am tired of writing about Lano, but this is the only place I have to vent my feeling and emotions about him. I've already filled zillions of paper diaries, at least this adds some interest to it all. :-)
Anyway, I decided I would try again.. to contact Lano.. to speak to him. To try anything to open the lines of communication once more. I thought the easiest route might be to call his work phone number, that way I would not have to deal with his demonized, jealous mother at home who would not even give him his telephone message. So last night I dialed his work number, since He is 8 hours ahead of me, all I got was the freaky so called voice mail they have there.. which isn't voice mail at all, all you can do is leave a call back number.
Again i tried tonight, when he was first getting to work and would of been least busiest but again, was just greeted with his funky so called voice greeting thing. I know that he has caller ID and my number shows up funny on his caller ID.. so I am sure He has some idea it is me that is calling so he is just not picking up.
I've talked to a good friend tonight about it all, and again was reminded that Lano just does not love me and it is best for me to let go and move on. I know this is true and Lano has done some really bad, hurtful things to me in these last past 5 years.. I have no idea why I love him the way that I do or why it hurts so badly to let go of him.
I do know that I am lonely and that at times he could be a very good friend, but not very often.. this is the only reason I can think that I feel so hurt over losing somebody that only treated me so badly, other than the fact that I am hooked on abuse? h*ll I do not know. *sits and whimpers to herself*
Maybe deep inside I do not feel worthy of a real, deep, loving relationship since I cannot seem to draw those kind of men to me. I only seem to draw losers and abusers to me which shows I put out that kind of energy and that is no good.
Well this build up energy in my gut is gone, so I guess it is okay to try to sleep now. Maybe it really does help to write out your problems.
Love and Peace,
embrisa/pamela.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Tears and more Tears
Sometimes I wonder if the tears will ever quit falling. And why do I believe horoscopes. *smirks* I promise myself I will not go read the stupid horoscopes because they always make me feel sad. Mine is always full of business adventures and blah crap and Lano's is always full of romance and everything that just hurts me to the very core.
Today I went to read, seems it got half right for me. Then i went to read Lano's and lo' and behold, just talking about how his old romances are just a hinderance to him now and how he is best off without them, how they will sizzle out and even his new romances will only last a short time, that anything long-term, anything with committment involved will slowly sizzle out and die as well. Oh phooey. I guess i love self-torture. I must to keep reading crap like that. Crap that only hurts me and i know that horoscopes are mostly crap. Yes, someday it might get some things correct but for the most part they are wrong.
So seems I half way create my own tears and unhappiness. It is one thing to lose love, it is another to keep reading his darned horoscope, etc. errgh.
Update on my African Froggie: Last week I went to bed early, he was in the tank and fine but very very active. I got up early, got in the shower and ran to fish store to buy him some frozen blood worms since finding live ones in this area was nearly impossible. I did a few other things, but pretty much came home right away since I did not want the frozen food to thaw out. Came in to feed the froggie, looked everwhere for him, but he was gone. Looked on top of the water.. where he so often liked to float. Looked in all his favorite hiding spot, in the plants, under the turtle, everywhere..but no froggie. Okay..tore the whole darn tank apart, but no froggie. The fish inside the tank are not big enough to eat the froggie and never showed no aggression towards the froggie, so that was out. My only guess is on the lid where two small pieces are missing for the heater and the filter, he must of crawled up there someway and escaped. :-( boo.
Well i searched all over my room, only I am not tall enough to see behind the fish stand. So he could be back there all dried up and dead. uggh. Will have to wait until roommate gets home to see if they can see behind there.
I really miss my froggie and will eventually get a new one, once i figure out a way to cover up the two spaces on my lid where the heater and water filter go.
Oh well, just a quick FYI.
Today is my day to start a whole new "ME" regimine. So I cannot write long. I start taking care of "ME". Pampering "ME". Feeding "ME". Loving "ME" Doing things for ME, I should of been doing all along.
Have lived in this house now for 9 months and do not even have my bedroom totally unpacked. Today that is going to change along with brand new sheets on my bed with my brand new down comforter and no more sharing my bed with a stack of bills and two laptop computers and medicines and cellphones and all this other stuff that only worries me and robs my energy without me knowing it. I'm done once and for all. It is time to look after number one and that is ME.
So I am off for a short meditation and then to start my day, which should of been started hours ago, but I won't go into that now. :-)
Love and light to all,
embrisa/pamela.
Today I went to read, seems it got half right for me. Then i went to read Lano's and lo' and behold, just talking about how his old romances are just a hinderance to him now and how he is best off without them, how they will sizzle out and even his new romances will only last a short time, that anything long-term, anything with committment involved will slowly sizzle out and die as well. Oh phooey. I guess i love self-torture. I must to keep reading crap like that. Crap that only hurts me and i know that horoscopes are mostly crap. Yes, someday it might get some things correct but for the most part they are wrong.
So seems I half way create my own tears and unhappiness. It is one thing to lose love, it is another to keep reading his darned horoscope, etc. errgh.
Update on my African Froggie: Last week I went to bed early, he was in the tank and fine but very very active. I got up early, got in the shower and ran to fish store to buy him some frozen blood worms since finding live ones in this area was nearly impossible. I did a few other things, but pretty much came home right away since I did not want the frozen food to thaw out. Came in to feed the froggie, looked everwhere for him, but he was gone. Looked on top of the water.. where he so often liked to float. Looked in all his favorite hiding spot, in the plants, under the turtle, everywhere..but no froggie. Okay..tore the whole darn tank apart, but no froggie. The fish inside the tank are not big enough to eat the froggie and never showed no aggression towards the froggie, so that was out. My only guess is on the lid where two small pieces are missing for the heater and the filter, he must of crawled up there someway and escaped. :-( boo.
Well i searched all over my room, only I am not tall enough to see behind the fish stand. So he could be back there all dried up and dead. uggh. Will have to wait until roommate gets home to see if they can see behind there.
I really miss my froggie and will eventually get a new one, once i figure out a way to cover up the two spaces on my lid where the heater and water filter go.
Oh well, just a quick FYI.
Today is my day to start a whole new "ME" regimine. So I cannot write long. I start taking care of "ME". Pampering "ME". Feeding "ME". Loving "ME" Doing things for ME, I should of been doing all along.
Have lived in this house now for 9 months and do not even have my bedroom totally unpacked. Today that is going to change along with brand new sheets on my bed with my brand new down comforter and no more sharing my bed with a stack of bills and two laptop computers and medicines and cellphones and all this other stuff that only worries me and robs my energy without me knowing it. I'm done once and for all. It is time to look after number one and that is ME.
So I am off for a short meditation and then to start my day, which should of been started hours ago, but I won't go into that now. :-)
Love and light to all,
embrisa/pamela.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
I Did What I've Been Accused Of Doing!
Yesterday I felt so lonely for Lano, so so boxed in.. that I felt I just HAD to tell Him that I "loved Him."
After not talking to Him for two months, I seriously doubted that He would answer the phone. I was totally ready to speak to His mother, to be told the same thing I am always told. That Lano is not home, that He is working.. blah blah, whatever.
But when Lano answered the phone it totally caught me off guard. When I heard His voice, my heart started beating a million beats a second. My goodness He has the sexiest sounding voice I ever heard in my entire life. I started shaking and within mere seconds, i hung up the phone. *whimpers to herself*
I'm not even sure I had time to think about what exactly I was doing. I just know it was so unexpected.
Now I sit here and cuss myself out. An opportunity like that does not come around often. I may never get the chance to tell Him that I love Him again. It makes me sad and it makes me cry.
I know our relationship working out was not totally all His fault, no matter how much I'd like to blame Him. It feels my heart is broken into a thousand little pieces of dust, floating all over the universe.
Wouldn't be nice if such things as ESP really worked. If we could really concentrate on a person and send they would actually get the message we sending to them? Ahh If only it were so.
I am so sick of dealing with men that are liars and a*ses in general. It makes me miss Lano all the more. I've said it a million times and i'll say it a million times more. Lano might of had his problems, but at least Lano knew how to treat me like a friend. At least on some level there was a connection. One that is not easy to find with just anybody. I wonder lots if he ever mises me like i miss Him, but I doubt it. I guess He has lots of girls to take my place. Finding a connection for Him isn't hard I don't guess.
Arrrgh. I've cried so much I've given myself a headache.
I miss You Lano
Always Yours,
Pamela.
After not talking to Him for two months, I seriously doubted that He would answer the phone. I was totally ready to speak to His mother, to be told the same thing I am always told. That Lano is not home, that He is working.. blah blah, whatever.
But when Lano answered the phone it totally caught me off guard. When I heard His voice, my heart started beating a million beats a second. My goodness He has the sexiest sounding voice I ever heard in my entire life. I started shaking and within mere seconds, i hung up the phone. *whimpers to herself*
I'm not even sure I had time to think about what exactly I was doing. I just know it was so unexpected.
Now I sit here and cuss myself out. An opportunity like that does not come around often. I may never get the chance to tell Him that I love Him again. It makes me sad and it makes me cry.
I know our relationship working out was not totally all His fault, no matter how much I'd like to blame Him. It feels my heart is broken into a thousand little pieces of dust, floating all over the universe.
Wouldn't be nice if such things as ESP really worked. If we could really concentrate on a person and send they would actually get the message we sending to them? Ahh If only it were so.
I am so sick of dealing with men that are liars and a*ses in general. It makes me miss Lano all the more. I've said it a million times and i'll say it a million times more. Lano might of had his problems, but at least Lano knew how to treat me like a friend. At least on some level there was a connection. One that is not easy to find with just anybody. I wonder lots if he ever mises me like i miss Him, but I doubt it. I guess He has lots of girls to take my place. Finding a connection for Him isn't hard I don't guess.
Arrrgh. I've cried so much I've given myself a headache.
I miss You Lano
Always Yours,
Pamela.
Tarot and Me
Greetings from me again!
For sometime now, I guess at least over a year, I've been going to a website http://www.tarot.com and been getting tarot reading here and there. After one gets so many tarot readings there is a thing in the system that lets you analyze your past readings. It looks for certain cards that have come up the most, and other such things and analyzes those things for you to tell you what you should especially watch out for.
Tonight, for the first time, I was able to run the analyzer and found the results very interesting. Thought I might share them here for anybody who might be interested.
Over time it can be extremely helpful to review the big picture, the gestalt of your life as reflected in all the cards you have picked. It's easy to focus on the tiny pieces and forget that they are part of something larger, and that you are a part of something much greater too. The following analysis is based upon all the cards that appeared in the readings you selected for this analysis. Your free analysis report is divided into 4 sections:
Your Most Common Tarot Card(s)
Dominant Suit & Element
Astrological Influences
Numerological Influences
Some of the stuff I left out, as i just did not find it interesting enough to post here.
Four Pentacles (Coins)
Six Staves
This suit, most often called "Wands" and sometimes called "Rods" or "Staves," represents initiative, ambition, drive and desire. This is the suit of enterprise and risk-taking. The Six of this suit points to the respect and acknowledgment due to you for your efforts to solve the problems of your community. The image is usually that of a victory parade, after the celebrated leader has helped the troops win a pivotal battle. It took the whole tribe to win the victory, of course, but it was the leader's heroism and clarity under pressure that inspired them to overcome. The team is thrilled that the leader led them to victory. This card points to a time to let everyone relax and celebrate -- if you are the leader, even let them lionize you for awhile. They are seeing reflected in you their own better selves -- a victory indeed!
The Hanged Man
For sometime now, I guess at least over a year, I've been going to a website http://www.tarot.com and been getting tarot reading here and there. After one gets so many tarot readings there is a thing in the system that lets you analyze your past readings. It looks for certain cards that have come up the most, and other such things and analyzes those things for you to tell you what you should especially watch out for.
Tonight, for the first time, I was able to run the analyzer and found the results very interesting. Thought I might share them here for anybody who might be interested.
Over time it can be extremely helpful to review the big picture, the gestalt of your life as reflected in all the cards you have picked. It's easy to focus on the tiny pieces and forget that they are part of something larger, and that you are a part of something much greater too. The following analysis is based upon all the cards that appeared in the readings you selected for this analysis. Your free analysis report is divided into 4 sections:
Your Most Common Tarot Card(s)
Dominant Suit & Element
Astrological Influences
Numerological Influences
Some of the stuff I left out, as i just did not find it interesting enough to post here.
Your Most Common Tarot Cards
The cards below came up most often in your saved Tarot readings, which indicates that they may have a special meaning in your life. It's would be wise to pay more attention to these archetypes, in order to master their qualities or learn the lessons they represent. 
Four Pentacles (Coins)
This suit, most often named Coins or Pentacles, is a symbol for a magical talisman that represented wealth or potential. This suit represents something supportive that is available to you -- whether it be health, some kind of talent, a material or financial resource. A Four in this suit has been used to express the paradoxical aspect of material security -- the two-edged sword of having been well supported and protected. It sounds completely idyllic until one investigates the real demands that prosperity places upon people -- the pressure of big decisions, responsibilities toward dependents or employees, and even tougher decisions in times of insecurity. An immature person thrust into such a position would lack the perspective to sensibly assess risks and rewards, would be vulnerable to bad advice or surprise developments, and could even put the livelihoods of loyal assistants at risk. This card also can refer to the subtler dependencies that comfort encourages, allowing laxness and self-indulgence to quietly degrade one's reserve of will. The character this card represents needs to move slowly and deliberately if change is required, as the consequences will affect more than just her or himself. Note: In the English decks, like Rider-Waite, we see a person who is stuck in their misunderstanding of how the material plane works. He's afraid to let go of his four measly coins, because he doesn't know he has to give in order to get. When looked at this way, this is the card of poverty consciousness.
Six Staves
This suit, most often called "Wands" and sometimes called "Rods" or "Staves," represents initiative, ambition, drive and desire. This is the suit of enterprise and risk-taking. The Six of this suit points to the respect and acknowledgment due to you for your efforts to solve the problems of your community. The image is usually that of a victory parade, after the celebrated leader has helped the troops win a pivotal battle. It took the whole tribe to win the victory, of course, but it was the leader's heroism and clarity under pressure that inspired them to overcome. The team is thrilled that the leader led them to victory. This card points to a time to let everyone relax and celebrate -- if you are the leader, even let them lionize you for awhile. They are seeing reflected in you their own better selves -- a victory indeed!
The Hanged Man
Traditionally, the card known as the Hanged Man usually indicates a lack of ability to help oneself through independent action. This energy is arrested and awaiting judgment. With this card, there is no avenue for the will to regain control until the situation has passed. This represents a good time to be philosophical, to study and meditate upon the position you find yourself in, and form resolutions for the moment you become free again. Only those who possess wisdom, patience and optimism will be able to see through limitations, including possible humiliation, to grasp the inspiring lesson one can gain from such an experience.
~
Dominant Suit & Element
In Tarot, the Minor Arcana cards are divided into the 4 suits of Wands, Coins, Cups, and Swords. Each suit represents different qualities and associates with one of the 4 elements Fire, Water, Air, and Earth. You can look to see which suit appears most frequently in your readings for more insight into your situation.
The suit of Cups, often referred to as Chalices or Hearts, dominates your selected readings. This watery suit represents the emotional and psychic aspects of life -- fantasy, imagination, feelings, love. Water, being a universal element of all life, reflects the common psyche -- the energy we all share. The watery overtone in your readings calls for you to pay attention to your basic emotional needs, to your feelings and sensitivity. Some things can't be solved through talking.
~
Astrological Influences
You can gain further insight into your readings by looking at the top astrological influences reflected in your readings by the Major Arcana, or Trump, cards you got.
The planet Neptune has an almost perfectly circular orbit. A lot of cards with a Neptune association represent the part of our nature that strives for perfection, that looks to some higher ideal, dreams or the mystical union you long for. The planet Neptune rules the ocean and the part of us that is beyond the shores of personal identity, the limits of ego. The culture moves with the cycles of Neptune and it is an indicator of your connection to the culture that you live in. Relax, go with the flow and pay attention. Transformation can be yours, even if you feel slightly overwhelmed in the process.
~
Numerological Influences
Analyzing the numbered Tarot cards (Aces through Tens) in your set of saved readings often reveals a significant recurring number. Like all numbers, it has numerological significance, which is a part of how Tarot card meanings were classically derived. Looking at the meaning of this number can help you recognize and deal with major influences in your personal life.
When you get a preponderance of cards with the number 4, the message is clear. Establish and strengthen the fundamentals of your life. For instance, instead of renting a house, buy one. In your work or business, sort out what has true value and what is deadwood. Avoid procrastinating. Avoid promising things you can't fulfill. The number 4 is about being grounded, about being reliable, dependable and a source of strength. Let go of ifs and maybes, to go for those things that are square and predictable. Let go of wavering, indecisiveness or avoiding obstacles. The number 4 grabs the bull by the horns. Be realistic and forge a strong alliance with the material world. Pay attention to what works and what doesn't work. This is not a time for day dreaming. This does not mean that you should turn your back on the spiritual side of life. On the contrary; by walking such a straight and narrow path, your understanding of the Spiritual world becomes less and more defined.
Btw, if you go there, tell them embrisa send you. Thanks. :)
Love and Light,
embrisa/pamela
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