Desperate

It is so odd, sometimes in the middle of the night I get the most intense feeling that I need to write.. That I need to get it all out yet, I'm not even so sure what is hidden beneath the surface that needs to come out. Funny how our brain works at times.
I do know that something is bothering me again because it has been two days since I laid my head upon a pillow and slept properly. I've been sleeping again sitting up which makes me feel horrible, grouchy and tearful. I guess we all need proper rest to function right.

I feel like a broken down love song, a love song that never got that smile, that never got a chance. A note flowing from a love song ~~ drifting.. But never finding the right ears, yet somehow drifting through the universe.. Sometimes quivering. Yes, the one with the lonely eyes.

I honestly do not know what to write. Everything I have to say is so sad. How can I face a new day when I do not have one ounce of positivity to me?

Turn Your Head, Yeah Baby... Just Spit Me Out!

I think I am even past ever finding love. Seems it just will not happen for me. Either I am interested in him and he could give a rats a*s about me or He is interested in me and I'm so blind I'd never even know it if I got hit up along side the head. Or else other crazy mis-understandings happen and the friendship just ends. *snap*
So why worry about love?
I think that is why I like Buddhism so much. One of the things they teach is we create our own pain and suffering by our "needs"
Well, i "think" i need love, i crave love.. blah blah.. so therefore, i am always in a state of suffering. If i just let go of this notion that I need love. If i could just be happy with who I am and what I have in my life now all the suffering I have would disappear. At least in that department.
But there is a part of me that know I will always love Lano, just like I will always love my mom and father and other family members. But Lano is different, I love him with every single beat of my heart in the most passionate of ways. I guess he know this too and even uses this against me because when we speak and when he knows I am ready to say goodbye to him forever.. he actually says things like, "don't you feel the bond between us pammie?" Yes, i do feel the bond Lano - the problem is, do You? hah. Do You feel anything at all Lano?

One of my newer friends whom I met on Yahoo, who moved to the USA with his wife, who is from the USA, by the way... (kind of a weird mixed up story, even how we became friends) I think I made him angry at me last night. He asked me if I posted any of the new pictures in my yahoo photo album and I told him yes, but only two of them -- explaining one was of my betta fish. He went on to ask me the name of my fish and I told him he would have to look at the pictures to find out the name of my fish. LOL. i don't think he liked that very much because he actually hung up on me and never returned.
He has actually changed a lot. When I was first getting to know him he seemed open-minded and talked about his fetish etc. But the more I got to know him it seemed the more trapped he became inside, the more un-willing he was to share.
Now it seems very important for him that I meet his wife. Not that I have any problem with meeting his wife, she seems like a very sweet and kind woman but I did not know it would be at the cost of our (his and mine) friendship.
At any rate, he has always seemed interested.. Just something about him has changed and I can't quite put my finger on it.

Peace and Love,
embrisa/pamela