It is so odd, sometimes in the middle of the night I get the most intense feeling that I need to write.. That I need to get it all out yet, I'm not even so sure what is hidden beneath the surface that needs to come out. Funny how our brain works at times.
I do know that something is bothering me again because it has been two days since I laid my head upon a pillow and slept properly. I've been sleeping again sitting up which makes me feel horrible, grouchy and tearful. I guess we all need proper rest to function right.
I feel like a broken down love song, a love song that never got that smile, that never got a chance. A note flowing from a love song ~~ drifting.. But never finding the right ears, yet somehow drifting through the universe.. Sometimes quivering. Yes, the one with the lonely eyes.
I honestly do not know what to write. Everything I have to say is so sad. How can I face a new day when I do not have one ounce of positivity to me?
Turn Your Head, Yeah Baby... Just Spit Me Out!
I think I am even past ever finding love. Seems it just will not happen for me. Either I am interested in him and he could give a rats a*s about me or He is interested in me and I'm so blind I'd never even know it if I got hit up along side the head. Or else other crazy mis-understandings happen and the friendship just ends. *snap*
So why worry about love?
I think that is why I like Buddhism so much. One of the things they teach is we create our own pain and suffering by our "needs"
Well, i "think" i need love, i crave love.. blah blah.. so therefore, i am always in a state of suffering. If i just let go of this notion that I need love. If i could just be happy with who I am and what I have in my life now all the suffering I have would disappear. At least in that department.
But there is a part of me that know I will always love Lano, just like I will always love my mom and father and other family members. But Lano is different, I love him with every single beat of my heart in the most passionate of ways. I guess he know this too and even uses this against me because when we speak and when he knows I am ready to say goodbye to him forever.. he actually says things like, "don't you feel the bond between us pammie?" Yes, i do feel the bond Lano - the problem is, do You? hah. Do You feel anything at all Lano?
One of my newer friends whom I met on Yahoo, who moved to the USA with his wife, who is from the USA, by the way... (kind of a weird mixed up story, even how we became friends) I think I made him angry at me last night. He asked me if I posted any of the new pictures in my yahoo photo album and I told him yes, but only two of them -- explaining one was of my betta fish. He went on to ask me the name of my fish and I told him he would have to look at the pictures to find out the name of my fish. LOL. i don't think he liked that very much because he actually hung up on me and never returned.
He has actually changed a lot. When I was first getting to know him he seemed open-minded and talked about his fetish etc. But the more I got to know him it seemed the more trapped he became inside, the more un-willing he was to share.
Now it seems very important for him that I meet his wife. Not that I have any problem with meeting his wife, she seems like a very sweet and kind woman but I did not know it would be at the cost of our (his and mine) friendship.
At any rate, he has always seemed interested.. Just something about him has changed and I can't quite put my finger on it.
Peace and Love,
embrisa/pamela
Friday, May 20, 2005
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Dazed and Confused
These past days have been very hard for me, more so than usual. I am experiencing depression on a level that I have never known before. Usually spring is a time of great happiness for me,with all the flowers and trees blooming and budding. The fresh smell of greenness and just the renewal of life in general I guess. But this year just feels so different for me.
The depression is horrifying. It feels like I am in a big black pit, clawing and scraping but never to find the top, never to find the daylight, never to find the fresh air or the sun. It is so hard to describe depression and I guess if somebody had to ask me if I could describe it to them, I would have to tell them no, there are so many facets of it, almost like a diamond, only it is not beautiful like a diamond. It is lonely and scary and it is right at this time in ones life when you find out who your true friends are.
I never did have a huge amount of friends, but I always thought the friends I did have were true, but it seems even the ones I thought loved me most are the ones who are walking away. I guess the old saying is true.. "laugh and the world laughs with You, cry and You cry alone." Such a sadness for mankind I think, that we cannot even stand by our brothers and sisters when we are needed most.
It seems i go through my darkest hours of depression some days, some weeks - whatever - after Lano has got done contacting me, feeding my head full of his "i love you's" and then telling me to contact him and I always do try but i'm always given the big shaft. For some reason, no matter how many times I go through it, it throws my world into some kind of wild spin. In the forefront of my mind, I do not believe his words of love, but somewhere in my heart - i do.. i want to believe that he loves me as much as I love him. Oh, what a tangled web we weave. :-(
I guess I will keep on experiencing this until one day my heart catches up with my head and i've said enough is enough and I tell him to go f*ck off. I guess only then will i be truly free and able to start my life fresh, i don't know.
Anyway, i'm going go jump in a hot shower and see if that can help my depressed head some. LOL. never know.
Peace and Love to all,
embrisa/pamela
The depression is horrifying. It feels like I am in a big black pit, clawing and scraping but never to find the top, never to find the daylight, never to find the fresh air or the sun. It is so hard to describe depression and I guess if somebody had to ask me if I could describe it to them, I would have to tell them no, there are so many facets of it, almost like a diamond, only it is not beautiful like a diamond. It is lonely and scary and it is right at this time in ones life when you find out who your true friends are.
I never did have a huge amount of friends, but I always thought the friends I did have were true, but it seems even the ones I thought loved me most are the ones who are walking away. I guess the old saying is true.. "laugh and the world laughs with You, cry and You cry alone." Such a sadness for mankind I think, that we cannot even stand by our brothers and sisters when we are needed most.
It seems i go through my darkest hours of depression some days, some weeks - whatever - after Lano has got done contacting me, feeding my head full of his "i love you's" and then telling me to contact him and I always do try but i'm always given the big shaft. For some reason, no matter how many times I go through it, it throws my world into some kind of wild spin. In the forefront of my mind, I do not believe his words of love, but somewhere in my heart - i do.. i want to believe that he loves me as much as I love him. Oh, what a tangled web we weave. :-(
I guess I will keep on experiencing this until one day my heart catches up with my head and i've said enough is enough and I tell him to go f*ck off. I guess only then will i be truly free and able to start my life fresh, i don't know.
Anyway, i'm going go jump in a hot shower and see if that can help my depressed head some. LOL. never know.
Peace and Love to all,
embrisa/pamela
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Something On Kabbalah I Found Interesting!
I've studied Kabbalah, the mystical part of Judaism for a couple of Years now and was looking through some old e-mails and found this, thought it was rather interesting and thought I might share it.
For anybody looking for light In their lives, or answers.. it might help?
Let Your Soul Take Control
New students often ask me to explain Kabbalah in a sentence. I tell them, 'I don't need a whole sentence—just one word—control.
'What do I mean by control? I certainly don't mean manipulating people or situations to suit your selfish wants. I do mean the ability to never be a victim and to always know how to transform a bad situation into a good one—for you and everyone involved.
In kabbalistic terminology, control is seeing the Light in every situation.
And that's where most people lose control. When someone in our life is filled with unpredictable venom, when emotional buttons are being triggered, when there seems to be nothing good that can come out of it, we feel like helpless victims and we relinquish our power.
Our challenge is to have the strength and character to always see the Light, even in the darkest situations. And we can uncover the Light by asking two questions:
1. Why is it happening to me?
2. What's the bigger picture here?
Asking 'why is it happening to me?' helps us focus on what the situation came to teach us and how we can use it to transform our chaos. Don't forget what you learned in Power of Kabbalah Level 1—difficult situations are simply Light contained within klippot (shells of negativity.) Avoiding the situation is essentially rejecting the Creator's gifts! Think about that one…
It means switching your pain response from, 'how can I get rid of this?' to 'bring it on!'
Asking the second question, 'what's the bigger picture here?' takes the focus off us and puts it on the other person—in a sharing manner. Instead of focusing on how the situation is hurting us, we need to ask what need is going unmet in the other person and how can we help them, if at all.
The beauty of this two-step process is that the moment we see at least one answer clearly, the situation begins to resolve itself. The reason is, when we see the Light at work in the situation, we have stepped out of 'victim mode' and into 'control mode.'
I have a wonderful student who has been working hard on herself, working on revealing who she really is—a powerful, caring soul. And she's been going through a tough time lately with her father. He's been verbally abusive and causing her to feel poorly about herself. In trying to help her, I recounted an experience I had with a person sitting in on one of my lectures during The Red String Book Tour.
The topic of the lecture was the mirroring effect, which stated simply, says that what we see in others is really a reflection of what is inside of us. One of the attendees raised her hand to tell me of a nagging co-worker who constantly gets under her skin.
'There is no way I am this obnoxious,' she told me.
I answered that she (the attendee) must be nagging someone else in her life—even if to a much lesser extent. She couldn't accept this but agreed to think it over. Well, she emailed me a week later, elated.
“I realized that I am doing the same thing to my husband. But I thought I was being 'spiritual' because I was nagging him to share, to be more forgiving, to practice meditation. But it was creating separation between us and if I wasn't so thoroughly disgusted with my coworker's behavior, I might not have gotten a grip on my own actions.
'So, in the case of my first student, the first question about: Why is this happening to her?—while she may or may not be acting as terribly as her father, the fact that she is going through this extreme experience is a wake-up call for her to prevent this cycle from continuing with her own kids (and that is just one possible answer.)
In terms of the second question, (What is her bigger picture?) maybe her dad needs to be given boundaries on how he can treat her, or maybe she needs to simply feel his pain, without allowing herself to be sucked into his movie.
And to the student's credit, she has treated her Dad with tolerance and human dignity. She has not run away from this problem and because of that she is revealing tremendous Light in other areas of her life.
This week, I'd like you to practice this procedure on every difficult situation you face. No matter how painful it is to look inside, no matter how tough it is to confront your issues, now is the time to take back the control that is your destiny and always has been. It's as simple as it is effective. Have a great week!
For anybody looking for light In their lives, or answers.. it might help?
Let Your Soul Take Control
New students often ask me to explain Kabbalah in a sentence. I tell them, 'I don't need a whole sentence—just one word—control.
'What do I mean by control? I certainly don't mean manipulating people or situations to suit your selfish wants. I do mean the ability to never be a victim and to always know how to transform a bad situation into a good one—for you and everyone involved.
In kabbalistic terminology, control is seeing the Light in every situation.
And that's where most people lose control. When someone in our life is filled with unpredictable venom, when emotional buttons are being triggered, when there seems to be nothing good that can come out of it, we feel like helpless victims and we relinquish our power.
Our challenge is to have the strength and character to always see the Light, even in the darkest situations. And we can uncover the Light by asking two questions:
1. Why is it happening to me?
2. What's the bigger picture here?
Asking 'why is it happening to me?' helps us focus on what the situation came to teach us and how we can use it to transform our chaos. Don't forget what you learned in Power of Kabbalah Level 1—difficult situations are simply Light contained within klippot (shells of negativity.) Avoiding the situation is essentially rejecting the Creator's gifts! Think about that one…
It means switching your pain response from, 'how can I get rid of this?' to 'bring it on!'
Asking the second question, 'what's the bigger picture here?' takes the focus off us and puts it on the other person—in a sharing manner. Instead of focusing on how the situation is hurting us, we need to ask what need is going unmet in the other person and how can we help them, if at all.
The beauty of this two-step process is that the moment we see at least one answer clearly, the situation begins to resolve itself. The reason is, when we see the Light at work in the situation, we have stepped out of 'victim mode' and into 'control mode.'
I have a wonderful student who has been working hard on herself, working on revealing who she really is—a powerful, caring soul. And she's been going through a tough time lately with her father. He's been verbally abusive and causing her to feel poorly about herself. In trying to help her, I recounted an experience I had with a person sitting in on one of my lectures during The Red String Book Tour.
The topic of the lecture was the mirroring effect, which stated simply, says that what we see in others is really a reflection of what is inside of us. One of the attendees raised her hand to tell me of a nagging co-worker who constantly gets under her skin.
'There is no way I am this obnoxious,' she told me.
I answered that she (the attendee) must be nagging someone else in her life—even if to a much lesser extent. She couldn't accept this but agreed to think it over. Well, she emailed me a week later, elated.
“I realized that I am doing the same thing to my husband. But I thought I was being 'spiritual' because I was nagging him to share, to be more forgiving, to practice meditation. But it was creating separation between us and if I wasn't so thoroughly disgusted with my coworker's behavior, I might not have gotten a grip on my own actions.
'So, in the case of my first student, the first question about: Why is this happening to her?—while she may or may not be acting as terribly as her father, the fact that she is going through this extreme experience is a wake-up call for her to prevent this cycle from continuing with her own kids (and that is just one possible answer.)
In terms of the second question, (What is her bigger picture?) maybe her dad needs to be given boundaries on how he can treat her, or maybe she needs to simply feel his pain, without allowing herself to be sucked into his movie.
And to the student's credit, she has treated her Dad with tolerance and human dignity. She has not run away from this problem and because of that she is revealing tremendous Light in other areas of her life.
This week, I'd like you to practice this procedure on every difficult situation you face. No matter how painful it is to look inside, no matter how tough it is to confront your issues, now is the time to take back the control that is your destiny and always has been. It's as simple as it is effective. Have a great week!
When I am overcome with feelings of doubt or panic or with thoughts of doom, these letters reveal the order that underlies chaos.
I become enlightened to the Creator’s master plan as it pertains to my purpose in this world and to the problems I face.
Hebrew Text is always read from Right to Left.
Shalom,
Embrisa/Pamela.
Enough With The Crazy Tests!
Okay, So these tests are fun for a period.. but after a while they get boring and kind of foolish. I had to do the fairie one, since I love fairies.. they my favorite wee ones. ;-)
I really, really want to put up a new template but have NO idea how to do it. It is kind of funny since I do know how to code HTML. But when I look at the templates I get freaked out. So if anybody reads this and has any idea how to put up a new template, and feels like helping a newbie, please write to me and send any kind of help you can - it would be deely appreciated. I even have the template I wish to put up. woohoo. I guess I could always write the people here at blogger and beg for their help. hmmm.
On another note, I think I had a case of food poisoning for almost 4 days. I was feeling pretty darn good till last friday when I went out and ran a bunch of errands, afterwards I stopped and bought some fast food. I guess about an hour after I ate that I started sweating and had major stomach cramps, vomiting and just generally laying in bed and sobbing. LOL.
Guess it lasted about 4 days. Today Is first day I feel like more like myself than I have in some days and it once again reminds me that I should learn to cook and eat in my own home. At least I know what I am cooking, how I am cooking it and that I did not spit on it, drop it on a dirty floor and still serve it, whatever the case may be - it is just generally more healthier to cook and eat at home and much more cheaper as well.
Anyway, i am just glad i am feeling better.. and half-way smiling again.
A day dawns, quite like other days; in it, a single hour comes, quite like other hours; but in that day and in that hour the chance of a lifetime faces us.
I really, really want to put up a new template but have NO idea how to do it. It is kind of funny since I do know how to code HTML. But when I look at the templates I get freaked out. So if anybody reads this and has any idea how to put up a new template, and feels like helping a newbie, please write to me and send any kind of help you can - it would be deely appreciated. I even have the template I wish to put up. woohoo. I guess I could always write the people here at blogger and beg for their help. hmmm.
On another note, I think I had a case of food poisoning for almost 4 days. I was feeling pretty darn good till last friday when I went out and ran a bunch of errands, afterwards I stopped and bought some fast food. I guess about an hour after I ate that I started sweating and had major stomach cramps, vomiting and just generally laying in bed and sobbing. LOL.
Guess it lasted about 4 days. Today Is first day I feel like more like myself than I have in some days and it once again reminds me that I should learn to cook and eat in my own home. At least I know what I am cooking, how I am cooking it and that I did not spit on it, drop it on a dirty floor and still serve it, whatever the case may be - it is just generally more healthier to cook and eat at home and much more cheaper as well.
Anyway, i am just glad i am feeling better.. and half-way smiling again.
A day dawns, quite like other days; in it, a single hour comes, quite like other hours; but in that day and in that hour the chance of a lifetime faces us.
Love and Light,
embrisa/pamela
Which Dysfunctional Fairie Are You?
I loved this one, mostly cause I love Fairies! Yeehaw. :-)
 | You scored as A Too Sweet Faerie. So sweet your totally sugared up! Has there ever been anyone so nice. Quick to forgive and quick to forget, everybody wants to know you! You've just got to make sure nobody takes advantage and tries to use you, don't be afraid to say no sometimes!
Which Dysfunctional Faerie are You? created with QuizFarm.com |
What Type Of Love Am I?
CUTE? who me? cute? ewwww.. i could of lived with passionate, but cute? How can one be a cute lover?? *coughs*
 | You scored as Cute!!. OMG YOU ARE CUTE!! Everyone thinks so!! Don't ever change your outlook on love and life!! You rock!
What type of love are you? created with QuizFarm.com |
Cultural Creative?
 | You scored as Cultural Creative. Cultural Creatives are probably the newest group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy away from organized religion but still feels as if there is something greater than ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not religious. Life has a meaning outside of the rational.
What is Your World View? (corrected...hopefully) created with QuizFarm.com |
Sunday, May 15, 2005
Forever!
It feels like it has been forever since I got to sit down and write, though I've wanted to many times.
For two days I was desperately ill. Felt like I had the stomach flu or perhaps it was just something I ate that was bad. I'm still not feeling 100% better, but good enough to be up for awhile.
I am guessing that snake Lano made up with his mommy because he has ignored once again, any type of communication I try to throw his way. I call his work number, he has somebody in the office answer his phone that does not speak english. I call his home, no answer - when I know he is there. Ho - Hum. I am tired of playing his childish games.
I think I am still thrown off by his little comment, "it is either my mother or you." eek. I just don't know what to think about that one. Never heard a grown man speak like that or say such a thing. Those words just keep flashing over and over in my head like a neon sign outside of some cheap hotel. LOL.
Anyway, I told the snake to go make up with his mother and to not treat her bad. That how he treats his mother is how he will treat any woman he is in a relationship with. I think that hit him pretty hard as already that morning he was whining why wasn't his mommy home, after he had kicked her out of her own house, he was wondering where she was. Smart fella he is.
Truly makes me wonder how I ever fell in love with a man like him. But when I first met Lano he was not drinking as much as he is now. He didn't start drinking as much as he is now until his father lost their business and they had to move out of Gonubie, some small seaside village to an inland town further down the coast, not far from Port Elizabeth.
Not long after moving there his father was drunk and took a can filled with gas and lit himself on fire. I guess his father survived maybe 5 or 6 months after doing that before he left this earth for good. May He rest in peace.
Anyway, that was very tragic on Lano, i know.. but I guess deep down Lano has always been a momma's boy. Never straying far from momma. He claims he has lived other places before but I don't know if I believe him or not. It seems Lano was and is a chronic liar, so it is always hard to tell fact from fiction with him. always.
For a man who will be turning 34 years old, one would figure he would not be making comments like "it is either my mother or you.." or still be hiding behind mommys apron ribbon the way he does. He won't even go to a proper barber to get a hair cut, mommy cuts his hair and to be truthful, every picture i've ever seen, it has always been uneven. He needs to go see a professional barber.
Okay Okay, didn't mean to turn this into a Lano b*tch session. I just seem to be stuck in some kind of vortex. When is Pamela going to learn her lesson with this man? He only speaks to her when he needs something from her. When he is lonely. etc. But screw Pamela when she is lonely, when she is crying her heart out over heart break - not knowing if it is over or not, etc.
Sometimes I wait literal months upon months to hear from him, even a peep, he could not contact me for this reason or that reason.. but it was especially funny.. when he was mad at mommy and threw her out of her own home, he FOUND a way to contact Pamela very quickly and even admited that he did NOT like to be alone. *holds her head and screams* But as long as he was NOT lonely, everything in his world was just little fresh daisies, screw everybody else. *kicks sand in his face*
ENOUGH of that!
I don't know if any of You are familiar with the Tibetan culture, but they are so rich in culture and have suffered so much abuse and hatred, even in their own lands in the past that it just breaks my heart. So If You find it in Your heart to support the Tibetan culture and Tibetan monks, please visit this link. :-)
Much Love and Light,
embrisa/pamela
For two days I was desperately ill. Felt like I had the stomach flu or perhaps it was just something I ate that was bad. I'm still not feeling 100% better, but good enough to be up for awhile.
I am guessing that snake Lano made up with his mommy because he has ignored once again, any type of communication I try to throw his way. I call his work number, he has somebody in the office answer his phone that does not speak english. I call his home, no answer - when I know he is there. Ho - Hum. I am tired of playing his childish games.
I think I am still thrown off by his little comment, "it is either my mother or you." eek. I just don't know what to think about that one. Never heard a grown man speak like that or say such a thing. Those words just keep flashing over and over in my head like a neon sign outside of some cheap hotel. LOL.
Anyway, I told the snake to go make up with his mother and to not treat her bad. That how he treats his mother is how he will treat any woman he is in a relationship with. I think that hit him pretty hard as already that morning he was whining why wasn't his mommy home, after he had kicked her out of her own house, he was wondering where she was. Smart fella he is.
Truly makes me wonder how I ever fell in love with a man like him. But when I first met Lano he was not drinking as much as he is now. He didn't start drinking as much as he is now until his father lost their business and they had to move out of Gonubie, some small seaside village to an inland town further down the coast, not far from Port Elizabeth.
Not long after moving there his father was drunk and took a can filled with gas and lit himself on fire. I guess his father survived maybe 5 or 6 months after doing that before he left this earth for good. May He rest in peace.
Anyway, that was very tragic on Lano, i know.. but I guess deep down Lano has always been a momma's boy. Never straying far from momma. He claims he has lived other places before but I don't know if I believe him or not. It seems Lano was and is a chronic liar, so it is always hard to tell fact from fiction with him. always.
For a man who will be turning 34 years old, one would figure he would not be making comments like "it is either my mother or you.." or still be hiding behind mommys apron ribbon the way he does. He won't even go to a proper barber to get a hair cut, mommy cuts his hair and to be truthful, every picture i've ever seen, it has always been uneven. He needs to go see a professional barber.
Okay Okay, didn't mean to turn this into a Lano b*tch session. I just seem to be stuck in some kind of vortex. When is Pamela going to learn her lesson with this man? He only speaks to her when he needs something from her. When he is lonely. etc. But screw Pamela when she is lonely, when she is crying her heart out over heart break - not knowing if it is over or not, etc.
Sometimes I wait literal months upon months to hear from him, even a peep, he could not contact me for this reason or that reason.. but it was especially funny.. when he was mad at mommy and threw her out of her own home, he FOUND a way to contact Pamela very quickly and even admited that he did NOT like to be alone. *holds her head and screams* But as long as he was NOT lonely, everything in his world was just little fresh daisies, screw everybody else. *kicks sand in his face*
ENOUGH of that!
I don't know if any of You are familiar with the Tibetan culture, but they are so rich in culture and have suffered so much abuse and hatred, even in their own lands in the past that it just breaks my heart. So If You find it in Your heart to support the Tibetan culture and Tibetan monks, please visit this link. :-)
Much Love and Light,
embrisa/pamela
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)