I decided that i need to write before I went to sleep, so here it is, 3:16am in the morning and I am blogging. *laughs* It feels like I have nervous energy in my tummy and I do not know why. I think John Holland said it best, sometimes it is not "what is bothering me but "who" is bothering me"" http://www.johnholland.com .
Yesterday evening after meditation I felt very good and very positive and I kept remembering some words that I heard about Love. Something to the effect that if you give up on love, you will never know what might of been. Don't even know where I heard that at now. But I kept thinking about Lano and how he never told me goodbye and how he promised that he would tell me goodbye when our relationship was done and over with.
Yes, to tell You all the truth, if anybody ever reads all this crap I write here, I also am tired of writing about Lano, but this is the only place I have to vent my feeling and emotions about him. I've already filled zillions of paper diaries, at least this adds some interest to it all. :-)
Anyway, I decided I would try again.. to contact Lano.. to speak to him. To try anything to open the lines of communication once more. I thought the easiest route might be to call his work phone number, that way I would not have to deal with his demonized, jealous mother at home who would not even give him his telephone message. So last night I dialed his work number, since He is 8 hours ahead of me, all I got was the freaky so called voice mail they have there.. which isn't voice mail at all, all you can do is leave a call back number.
Again i tried tonight, when he was first getting to work and would of been least busiest but again, was just greeted with his funky so called voice greeting thing. I know that he has caller ID and my number shows up funny on his caller ID.. so I am sure He has some idea it is me that is calling so he is just not picking up.
I've talked to a good friend tonight about it all, and again was reminded that Lano just does not love me and it is best for me to let go and move on. I know this is true and Lano has done some really bad, hurtful things to me in these last past 5 years.. I have no idea why I love him the way that I do or why it hurts so badly to let go of him.
I do know that I am lonely and that at times he could be a very good friend, but not very often.. this is the only reason I can think that I feel so hurt over losing somebody that only treated me so badly, other than the fact that I am hooked on abuse? h*ll I do not know. *sits and whimpers to herself*
Maybe deep inside I do not feel worthy of a real, deep, loving relationship since I cannot seem to draw those kind of men to me. I only seem to draw losers and abusers to me which shows I put out that kind of energy and that is no good.
Well this build up energy in my gut is gone, so I guess it is okay to try to sleep now. Maybe it really does help to write out your problems.
Love and Peace,
embrisa/pamela.
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