You Are a Prophet Soul |
 You are a gentle soul, with good intentions toward everyone. Selfless and kind, you have great faith in people. Sometimes this faith can lead to disappoinment in the long run. No matter what, you deal with everything in a calm and balanced way. You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle. Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings. A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning. You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer. Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul |
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
What Kind Of Soul Am I?
Both these tests seem to fit me to a tee. Strange that is. Some seem to hit it right on the nose, others seem to be miles off the mark.
What Is My Love Number?
Your Love Number is |
2 Of all the numbers, you are the most caring and empathetic lover. Unselfish and humble, you find it easy to forgive your sweetie's mistakes. At times, your need to please can be come a bit too needy. As long as you remain somewhat independent, your relationships are perfectly balanced. |
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Well I guess being an Aries, I stood firm by my star sign and did not give up on Lano. I actually kept trying to call him and to my 'dismay' he answered his telephone on Saturday.
I guess it was the most stupidest thing I ever did. I just have too many problems in my life to have to deal with heart break over and over again. Not to mention broken promises.
His words were actually very sweet and kind and he proclaimed his love to me over and over again. Along with all the sweetness and his words of love (lies) he invited me to his house to live and become his mate for life. (i don't see how he can live with himself for lying so blantly to somebody who loves him so much)
Anyway, we spent like 16 hours on the phone, which is NOT good for me since i still owe almost 600 dollars and it is due to be shut off by the phone company any day. Now add another 16 hours onto my poor phonebill and the new charges alone will be over 1000 dollars.
So after all his proclamations of love and moving in with him, etc. He asked me to call him Monday afternoon (his time). So i spent time buying a phone card, adding more to my credit card, etc.. i had very strange feeling in gut and it turned out my gut was right because when I tried to call his house at the time he asked me to call and time we had agreed upon, he did not answer!!
I knew he was home because one time while I was trying to call, his phone was actually busy busy. So he blew me off like he normally does.
I guess it comes as no big surprise, but it dang hurts, like h*ll come and smashed into my heart 1000x's over.
I just do not understand him. Why wouldn't any honest man just tell you they do not love you, it is over, do not contact them again and that is that. At least that is the right thing to do. It gives the other person closure to their heart and lets them move on to bigger and better things. Obviously Lano is not an honest man.
I guess it was the most stupidest thing I ever did. I just have too many problems in my life to have to deal with heart break over and over again. Not to mention broken promises.
His words were actually very sweet and kind and he proclaimed his love to me over and over again. Along with all the sweetness and his words of love (lies) he invited me to his house to live and become his mate for life. (i don't see how he can live with himself for lying so blantly to somebody who loves him so much)
Anyway, we spent like 16 hours on the phone, which is NOT good for me since i still owe almost 600 dollars and it is due to be shut off by the phone company any day. Now add another 16 hours onto my poor phonebill and the new charges alone will be over 1000 dollars.
So after all his proclamations of love and moving in with him, etc. He asked me to call him Monday afternoon (his time). So i spent time buying a phone card, adding more to my credit card, etc.. i had very strange feeling in gut and it turned out my gut was right because when I tried to call his house at the time he asked me to call and time we had agreed upon, he did not answer!!
I knew he was home because one time while I was trying to call, his phone was actually busy busy. So he blew me off like he normally does.
I guess it comes as no big surprise, but it dang hurts, like h*ll come and smashed into my heart 1000x's over.
I just do not understand him. Why wouldn't any honest man just tell you they do not love you, it is over, do not contact them again and that is that. At least that is the right thing to do. It gives the other person closure to their heart and lets them move on to bigger and better things. Obviously Lano is not an honest man.
Anyway, no matter what happens now, I can never speak to Lano again. I cannot live off lies and blind faith. Also, the more I keep going back, chasing him so to speak -- the more Lano knows he can use me and knows he can get away with bull crap when it comes to my heart and my world.
I've never wished bad things against anybody or anything, but for Lano, I wish he would fall into a big hold and break his legs or his p*nis. Maybe then he'd know what true hurt is, but somehow I doubt it. It seems the only thing Lano understands is lies and manipulation, something I don't know much about but maybe something I need to learn. Hate to think I need to manipulate people the way he does though.
Love and Light to All,
embrisa/pamela.
Saturday, April 30, 2005
My Ideal Sexual Partner!
According to Tickle at http://web.tickle.com/
My Ideal Sexual Partner is:
Pamela, your ideal sexual partner is a Type 4.
A Type 4 partner radiates warmth and love. They are affectionate during sex and will rarely shy away from telling you how they feel about you. This is someone you can always rely on to be honest and sincere, since sex is the ultimate expression of their trust in you.Both physically and emotionally, a Type 4 is a sexual explorer. Orgasm is rarely the driving goal with this person and because of this, they are likely to be creative and able to take you places you may never have expected.But how do you spot your Type 4 sexual partner before becoming intimate with them? New research has shown that you can determine a person's sexual type simply by observing subtle cues in their everyday behavior.
Of course, they want 20 bucks to tell you how to spot your type..blah. everybody wants your money these days. But was a fun test to take though the results did not surprise me any.
Love & Light
embrisa/pamela
My Ideal Sexual Partner is:
Pamela, your ideal sexual partner is a Type 4.
A Type 4 partner radiates warmth and love. They are affectionate during sex and will rarely shy away from telling you how they feel about you. This is someone you can always rely on to be honest and sincere, since sex is the ultimate expression of their trust in you.Both physically and emotionally, a Type 4 is a sexual explorer. Orgasm is rarely the driving goal with this person and because of this, they are likely to be creative and able to take you places you may never have expected.But how do you spot your Type 4 sexual partner before becoming intimate with them? New research has shown that you can determine a person's sexual type simply by observing subtle cues in their everyday behavior.
Of course, they want 20 bucks to tell you how to spot your type..blah. everybody wants your money these days. But was a fun test to take though the results did not surprise me any.
Love & Light
embrisa/pamela
Bipolar and Me?
It seems that my wonderful insurance company has been doing a study on me behind my back. LOL. Which I find kind of funny, but also pisses me off a great deal.
For the past some odd months there has been a lady from the insurance company calling my house, chatting with me. I thought she was just calling to check up on my well being, to see how I am doing, etc. But seems there was other motives behind this. Since I am a diabetic with neuropathy and several other things wrong with me due to being a diabetic, I never found depression too strange. Afterall, when one is dealing with several health problems it can and often does get the best of them on occasion -- Not to mention being heartbroken from an a*s liar.
I think there was one time I was talking to this lady from the insurance company and I was telling her I was having a hard time sleeping, sometimes going days without sleep. She didn't seem to make a big issue about it but asked me some questions about it and how I felt after not sleeping for such a long period of time, etc.
Then yesterday at my regular scheduled Dr's appt. He pulled out a letter from the insurance company telling Him that I was part of a study and blah blah, he did not hide the letter.. laid it right on the desk in front of me and even allowed me to read it after listening to my heart. On it it said that they come to the conclusion that I was Bipolar and though I had denied any help regarding seeing a therapist for my depression they were hoping my doctor would talk to me and see if he could talk me into scheduling an appt with a therapist now that they had come to the conclusion I was a Bipolar.
I went to several websites that had information on it regarding Bipolar and read all I could read about Bipolar and it just does not fit me. Just because I have trouble sleeping from time to time does not make me a bipolar. That is the only thing I could see that even came close to linking me to being a bipolar. Other than that, I do not have really UP moods with really DOWN moods, etc. I mean if i am depressed, i stay depressed. It is not followed by a swing of a really UP period where I want to swing from a tree or i'm so up that I go get myself in trouble with the law. LOL. Or i become overly obsessed by sex or any of the other things that was mentioned. It just is not me, unless I am blind and some woman whom I never met and just talked to me on the phone a few times can pick up. I do not know.
I have taken these online tests before offered by drug companies and such before, but never for being a Bipolar, just for depression. I've always scored: You suffer from Major depression. Go get help. Duh. like I didn't know this.
Tonight, I took a test on Bipolarism and was only able to answer one question yes and it was the question on sleep. According to that, it said if you can even answer one question yes you should at least be checked out by a mental health care worker. blah. Like if they can help me when most of them suffer from major depression or Bipolarism themselves.
This is what gets me. How can these people possibly help another when their own lives are a total and absolute wreck?
I remember back in the early 1990's when my mother first passed away and I was so messed up from that I actually went and sought help from a therapist. I think that woman was more messed up than I was and it seemed 1/2 of my sessions were spent talking about herself and how unhappy she was and how she could not wait to be done with her schooling and this and that. Like this is what I was paying money for?
Another time I went and tried it, with some old hag of a lady.. she told me I could possibly still not be depressed over my mothers death, that it had been too long.. but for some, mourning the passing of somebody who was everything to you can take years.. maybe a lifetime. But she said absolutely not. She dug everywhere in my life except where she needed to be. That is why i am so dead set against going to see any therapist. But I did make a promise to my Dr that I would go, just for him. Not for the stupid lady on the phone. Not for some guy who wrote my Dr. saying He was doing a study on me, but for my Dr and myself. I guess I owe it to myself to at least know if i am a bipolar or not, though I greatly suspect I am not.
I know I will not speak to the lady at the insurance company again. She makes you think she is talking to You because she cares how you are doing, how is your general welfare, etc... yet in all that time they are just conducting a study on you.. you are nothing more than a guinea pig to them. I guess I should of known -- because it seems in this life, nobody genuinely cares about nobody unless there are motives.
Maybe someday I will learn what happened to LOVE on this planet.
I'm done ranting and raving for now...
embrisa/pamela.
For the past some odd months there has been a lady from the insurance company calling my house, chatting with me. I thought she was just calling to check up on my well being, to see how I am doing, etc. But seems there was other motives behind this. Since I am a diabetic with neuropathy and several other things wrong with me due to being a diabetic, I never found depression too strange. Afterall, when one is dealing with several health problems it can and often does get the best of them on occasion -- Not to mention being heartbroken from an a*s liar.
I think there was one time I was talking to this lady from the insurance company and I was telling her I was having a hard time sleeping, sometimes going days without sleep. She didn't seem to make a big issue about it but asked me some questions about it and how I felt after not sleeping for such a long period of time, etc.
Then yesterday at my regular scheduled Dr's appt. He pulled out a letter from the insurance company telling Him that I was part of a study and blah blah, he did not hide the letter.. laid it right on the desk in front of me and even allowed me to read it after listening to my heart. On it it said that they come to the conclusion that I was Bipolar and though I had denied any help regarding seeing a therapist for my depression they were hoping my doctor would talk to me and see if he could talk me into scheduling an appt with a therapist now that they had come to the conclusion I was a Bipolar.
I went to several websites that had information on it regarding Bipolar and read all I could read about Bipolar and it just does not fit me. Just because I have trouble sleeping from time to time does not make me a bipolar. That is the only thing I could see that even came close to linking me to being a bipolar. Other than that, I do not have really UP moods with really DOWN moods, etc. I mean if i am depressed, i stay depressed. It is not followed by a swing of a really UP period where I want to swing from a tree or i'm so up that I go get myself in trouble with the law. LOL. Or i become overly obsessed by sex or any of the other things that was mentioned. It just is not me, unless I am blind and some woman whom I never met and just talked to me on the phone a few times can pick up. I do not know.
I have taken these online tests before offered by drug companies and such before, but never for being a Bipolar, just for depression. I've always scored: You suffer from Major depression. Go get help. Duh. like I didn't know this.
Tonight, I took a test on Bipolarism and was only able to answer one question yes and it was the question on sleep. According to that, it said if you can even answer one question yes you should at least be checked out by a mental health care worker. blah. Like if they can help me when most of them suffer from major depression or Bipolarism themselves.
This is what gets me. How can these people possibly help another when their own lives are a total and absolute wreck?
I remember back in the early 1990's when my mother first passed away and I was so messed up from that I actually went and sought help from a therapist. I think that woman was more messed up than I was and it seemed 1/2 of my sessions were spent talking about herself and how unhappy she was and how she could not wait to be done with her schooling and this and that. Like this is what I was paying money for?
Another time I went and tried it, with some old hag of a lady.. she told me I could possibly still not be depressed over my mothers death, that it had been too long.. but for some, mourning the passing of somebody who was everything to you can take years.. maybe a lifetime. But she said absolutely not. She dug everywhere in my life except where she needed to be. That is why i am so dead set against going to see any therapist. But I did make a promise to my Dr that I would go, just for him. Not for the stupid lady on the phone. Not for some guy who wrote my Dr. saying He was doing a study on me, but for my Dr and myself. I guess I owe it to myself to at least know if i am a bipolar or not, though I greatly suspect I am not.
I know I will not speak to the lady at the insurance company again. She makes you think she is talking to You because she cares how you are doing, how is your general welfare, etc... yet in all that time they are just conducting a study on you.. you are nothing more than a guinea pig to them. I guess I should of known -- because it seems in this life, nobody genuinely cares about nobody unless there are motives.
Maybe someday I will learn what happened to LOVE on this planet.
I'm done ranting and raving for now...
embrisa/pamela.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Early Morning Post
I decided that i need to write before I went to sleep, so here it is, 3:16am in the morning and I am blogging. *laughs* It feels like I have nervous energy in my tummy and I do not know why. I think John Holland said it best, sometimes it is not "what is bothering me but "who" is bothering me"" http://www.johnholland.com .
Yesterday evening after meditation I felt very good and very positive and I kept remembering some words that I heard about Love. Something to the effect that if you give up on love, you will never know what might of been. Don't even know where I heard that at now. But I kept thinking about Lano and how he never told me goodbye and how he promised that he would tell me goodbye when our relationship was done and over with.
Yes, to tell You all the truth, if anybody ever reads all this crap I write here, I also am tired of writing about Lano, but this is the only place I have to vent my feeling and emotions about him. I've already filled zillions of paper diaries, at least this adds some interest to it all. :-)
Anyway, I decided I would try again.. to contact Lano.. to speak to him. To try anything to open the lines of communication once more. I thought the easiest route might be to call his work phone number, that way I would not have to deal with his demonized, jealous mother at home who would not even give him his telephone message. So last night I dialed his work number, since He is 8 hours ahead of me, all I got was the freaky so called voice mail they have there.. which isn't voice mail at all, all you can do is leave a call back number.
Again i tried tonight, when he was first getting to work and would of been least busiest but again, was just greeted with his funky so called voice greeting thing. I know that he has caller ID and my number shows up funny on his caller ID.. so I am sure He has some idea it is me that is calling so he is just not picking up.
I've talked to a good friend tonight about it all, and again was reminded that Lano just does not love me and it is best for me to let go and move on. I know this is true and Lano has done some really bad, hurtful things to me in these last past 5 years.. I have no idea why I love him the way that I do or why it hurts so badly to let go of him.
I do know that I am lonely and that at times he could be a very good friend, but not very often.. this is the only reason I can think that I feel so hurt over losing somebody that only treated me so badly, other than the fact that I am hooked on abuse? h*ll I do not know. *sits and whimpers to herself*
Maybe deep inside I do not feel worthy of a real, deep, loving relationship since I cannot seem to draw those kind of men to me. I only seem to draw losers and abusers to me which shows I put out that kind of energy and that is no good.
Well this build up energy in my gut is gone, so I guess it is okay to try to sleep now. Maybe it really does help to write out your problems.
Love and Peace,
embrisa/pamela.
Yesterday evening after meditation I felt very good and very positive and I kept remembering some words that I heard about Love. Something to the effect that if you give up on love, you will never know what might of been. Don't even know where I heard that at now. But I kept thinking about Lano and how he never told me goodbye and how he promised that he would tell me goodbye when our relationship was done and over with.
Yes, to tell You all the truth, if anybody ever reads all this crap I write here, I also am tired of writing about Lano, but this is the only place I have to vent my feeling and emotions about him. I've already filled zillions of paper diaries, at least this adds some interest to it all. :-)
Anyway, I decided I would try again.. to contact Lano.. to speak to him. To try anything to open the lines of communication once more. I thought the easiest route might be to call his work phone number, that way I would not have to deal with his demonized, jealous mother at home who would not even give him his telephone message. So last night I dialed his work number, since He is 8 hours ahead of me, all I got was the freaky so called voice mail they have there.. which isn't voice mail at all, all you can do is leave a call back number.
Again i tried tonight, when he was first getting to work and would of been least busiest but again, was just greeted with his funky so called voice greeting thing. I know that he has caller ID and my number shows up funny on his caller ID.. so I am sure He has some idea it is me that is calling so he is just not picking up.
I've talked to a good friend tonight about it all, and again was reminded that Lano just does not love me and it is best for me to let go and move on. I know this is true and Lano has done some really bad, hurtful things to me in these last past 5 years.. I have no idea why I love him the way that I do or why it hurts so badly to let go of him.
I do know that I am lonely and that at times he could be a very good friend, but not very often.. this is the only reason I can think that I feel so hurt over losing somebody that only treated me so badly, other than the fact that I am hooked on abuse? h*ll I do not know. *sits and whimpers to herself*
Maybe deep inside I do not feel worthy of a real, deep, loving relationship since I cannot seem to draw those kind of men to me. I only seem to draw losers and abusers to me which shows I put out that kind of energy and that is no good.
Well this build up energy in my gut is gone, so I guess it is okay to try to sleep now. Maybe it really does help to write out your problems.
Love and Peace,
embrisa/pamela.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Tears and more Tears
Sometimes I wonder if the tears will ever quit falling. And why do I believe horoscopes. *smirks* I promise myself I will not go read the stupid horoscopes because they always make me feel sad. Mine is always full of business adventures and blah crap and Lano's is always full of romance and everything that just hurts me to the very core.
Today I went to read, seems it got half right for me. Then i went to read Lano's and lo' and behold, just talking about how his old romances are just a hinderance to him now and how he is best off without them, how they will sizzle out and even his new romances will only last a short time, that anything long-term, anything with committment involved will slowly sizzle out and die as well. Oh phooey. I guess i love self-torture. I must to keep reading crap like that. Crap that only hurts me and i know that horoscopes are mostly crap. Yes, someday it might get some things correct but for the most part they are wrong.
So seems I half way create my own tears and unhappiness. It is one thing to lose love, it is another to keep reading his darned horoscope, etc. errgh.
Update on my African Froggie: Last week I went to bed early, he was in the tank and fine but very very active. I got up early, got in the shower and ran to fish store to buy him some frozen blood worms since finding live ones in this area was nearly impossible. I did a few other things, but pretty much came home right away since I did not want the frozen food to thaw out. Came in to feed the froggie, looked everwhere for him, but he was gone. Looked on top of the water.. where he so often liked to float. Looked in all his favorite hiding spot, in the plants, under the turtle, everywhere..but no froggie. Okay..tore the whole darn tank apart, but no froggie. The fish inside the tank are not big enough to eat the froggie and never showed no aggression towards the froggie, so that was out. My only guess is on the lid where two small pieces are missing for the heater and the filter, he must of crawled up there someway and escaped. :-( boo.
Well i searched all over my room, only I am not tall enough to see behind the fish stand. So he could be back there all dried up and dead. uggh. Will have to wait until roommate gets home to see if they can see behind there.
I really miss my froggie and will eventually get a new one, once i figure out a way to cover up the two spaces on my lid where the heater and water filter go.
Oh well, just a quick FYI.
Today is my day to start a whole new "ME" regimine. So I cannot write long. I start taking care of "ME". Pampering "ME". Feeding "ME". Loving "ME" Doing things for ME, I should of been doing all along.
Have lived in this house now for 9 months and do not even have my bedroom totally unpacked. Today that is going to change along with brand new sheets on my bed with my brand new down comforter and no more sharing my bed with a stack of bills and two laptop computers and medicines and cellphones and all this other stuff that only worries me and robs my energy without me knowing it. I'm done once and for all. It is time to look after number one and that is ME.
So I am off for a short meditation and then to start my day, which should of been started hours ago, but I won't go into that now. :-)
Love and light to all,
embrisa/pamela.
Today I went to read, seems it got half right for me. Then i went to read Lano's and lo' and behold, just talking about how his old romances are just a hinderance to him now and how he is best off without them, how they will sizzle out and even his new romances will only last a short time, that anything long-term, anything with committment involved will slowly sizzle out and die as well. Oh phooey. I guess i love self-torture. I must to keep reading crap like that. Crap that only hurts me and i know that horoscopes are mostly crap. Yes, someday it might get some things correct but for the most part they are wrong.
So seems I half way create my own tears and unhappiness. It is one thing to lose love, it is another to keep reading his darned horoscope, etc. errgh.
Update on my African Froggie: Last week I went to bed early, he was in the tank and fine but very very active. I got up early, got in the shower and ran to fish store to buy him some frozen blood worms since finding live ones in this area was nearly impossible. I did a few other things, but pretty much came home right away since I did not want the frozen food to thaw out. Came in to feed the froggie, looked everwhere for him, but he was gone. Looked on top of the water.. where he so often liked to float. Looked in all his favorite hiding spot, in the plants, under the turtle, everywhere..but no froggie. Okay..tore the whole darn tank apart, but no froggie. The fish inside the tank are not big enough to eat the froggie and never showed no aggression towards the froggie, so that was out. My only guess is on the lid where two small pieces are missing for the heater and the filter, he must of crawled up there someway and escaped. :-( boo.
Well i searched all over my room, only I am not tall enough to see behind the fish stand. So he could be back there all dried up and dead. uggh. Will have to wait until roommate gets home to see if they can see behind there.
I really miss my froggie and will eventually get a new one, once i figure out a way to cover up the two spaces on my lid where the heater and water filter go.
Oh well, just a quick FYI.
Today is my day to start a whole new "ME" regimine. So I cannot write long. I start taking care of "ME". Pampering "ME". Feeding "ME". Loving "ME" Doing things for ME, I should of been doing all along.
Have lived in this house now for 9 months and do not even have my bedroom totally unpacked. Today that is going to change along with brand new sheets on my bed with my brand new down comforter and no more sharing my bed with a stack of bills and two laptop computers and medicines and cellphones and all this other stuff that only worries me and robs my energy without me knowing it. I'm done once and for all. It is time to look after number one and that is ME.
So I am off for a short meditation and then to start my day, which should of been started hours ago, but I won't go into that now. :-)
Love and light to all,
embrisa/pamela.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
I Did What I've Been Accused Of Doing!
Yesterday I felt so lonely for Lano, so so boxed in.. that I felt I just HAD to tell Him that I "loved Him."
After not talking to Him for two months, I seriously doubted that He would answer the phone. I was totally ready to speak to His mother, to be told the same thing I am always told. That Lano is not home, that He is working.. blah blah, whatever.
But when Lano answered the phone it totally caught me off guard. When I heard His voice, my heart started beating a million beats a second. My goodness He has the sexiest sounding voice I ever heard in my entire life. I started shaking and within mere seconds, i hung up the phone. *whimpers to herself*
I'm not even sure I had time to think about what exactly I was doing. I just know it was so unexpected.
Now I sit here and cuss myself out. An opportunity like that does not come around often. I may never get the chance to tell Him that I love Him again. It makes me sad and it makes me cry.
I know our relationship working out was not totally all His fault, no matter how much I'd like to blame Him. It feels my heart is broken into a thousand little pieces of dust, floating all over the universe.
Wouldn't be nice if such things as ESP really worked. If we could really concentrate on a person and send they would actually get the message we sending to them? Ahh If only it were so.
I am so sick of dealing with men that are liars and a*ses in general. It makes me miss Lano all the more. I've said it a million times and i'll say it a million times more. Lano might of had his problems, but at least Lano knew how to treat me like a friend. At least on some level there was a connection. One that is not easy to find with just anybody. I wonder lots if he ever mises me like i miss Him, but I doubt it. I guess He has lots of girls to take my place. Finding a connection for Him isn't hard I don't guess.
Arrrgh. I've cried so much I've given myself a headache.
I miss You Lano
Always Yours,
Pamela.
After not talking to Him for two months, I seriously doubted that He would answer the phone. I was totally ready to speak to His mother, to be told the same thing I am always told. That Lano is not home, that He is working.. blah blah, whatever.
But when Lano answered the phone it totally caught me off guard. When I heard His voice, my heart started beating a million beats a second. My goodness He has the sexiest sounding voice I ever heard in my entire life. I started shaking and within mere seconds, i hung up the phone. *whimpers to herself*
I'm not even sure I had time to think about what exactly I was doing. I just know it was so unexpected.
Now I sit here and cuss myself out. An opportunity like that does not come around often. I may never get the chance to tell Him that I love Him again. It makes me sad and it makes me cry.
I know our relationship working out was not totally all His fault, no matter how much I'd like to blame Him. It feels my heart is broken into a thousand little pieces of dust, floating all over the universe.
Wouldn't be nice if such things as ESP really worked. If we could really concentrate on a person and send they would actually get the message we sending to them? Ahh If only it were so.
I am so sick of dealing with men that are liars and a*ses in general. It makes me miss Lano all the more. I've said it a million times and i'll say it a million times more. Lano might of had his problems, but at least Lano knew how to treat me like a friend. At least on some level there was a connection. One that is not easy to find with just anybody. I wonder lots if he ever mises me like i miss Him, but I doubt it. I guess He has lots of girls to take my place. Finding a connection for Him isn't hard I don't guess.
Arrrgh. I've cried so much I've given myself a headache.
I miss You Lano
Always Yours,
Pamela.
Tarot and Me
Greetings from me again!
For sometime now, I guess at least over a year, I've been going to a website http://www.tarot.com and been getting tarot reading here and there. After one gets so many tarot readings there is a thing in the system that lets you analyze your past readings. It looks for certain cards that have come up the most, and other such things and analyzes those things for you to tell you what you should especially watch out for.
Tonight, for the first time, I was able to run the analyzer and found the results very interesting. Thought I might share them here for anybody who might be interested.
Over time it can be extremely helpful to review the big picture, the gestalt of your life as reflected in all the cards you have picked. It's easy to focus on the tiny pieces and forget that they are part of something larger, and that you are a part of something much greater too. The following analysis is based upon all the cards that appeared in the readings you selected for this analysis. Your free analysis report is divided into 4 sections:
Your Most Common Tarot Card(s)
Dominant Suit & Element
Astrological Influences
Numerological Influences
Some of the stuff I left out, as i just did not find it interesting enough to post here.
Four Pentacles (Coins)
Six Staves
This suit, most often called "Wands" and sometimes called "Rods" or "Staves," represents initiative, ambition, drive and desire. This is the suit of enterprise and risk-taking. The Six of this suit points to the respect and acknowledgment due to you for your efforts to solve the problems of your community. The image is usually that of a victory parade, after the celebrated leader has helped the troops win a pivotal battle. It took the whole tribe to win the victory, of course, but it was the leader's heroism and clarity under pressure that inspired them to overcome. The team is thrilled that the leader led them to victory. This card points to a time to let everyone relax and celebrate -- if you are the leader, even let them lionize you for awhile. They are seeing reflected in you their own better selves -- a victory indeed!
The Hanged Man
For sometime now, I guess at least over a year, I've been going to a website http://www.tarot.com and been getting tarot reading here and there. After one gets so many tarot readings there is a thing in the system that lets you analyze your past readings. It looks for certain cards that have come up the most, and other such things and analyzes those things for you to tell you what you should especially watch out for.
Tonight, for the first time, I was able to run the analyzer and found the results very interesting. Thought I might share them here for anybody who might be interested.
Over time it can be extremely helpful to review the big picture, the gestalt of your life as reflected in all the cards you have picked. It's easy to focus on the tiny pieces and forget that they are part of something larger, and that you are a part of something much greater too. The following analysis is based upon all the cards that appeared in the readings you selected for this analysis. Your free analysis report is divided into 4 sections:
Your Most Common Tarot Card(s)
Dominant Suit & Element
Astrological Influences
Numerological Influences
Some of the stuff I left out, as i just did not find it interesting enough to post here.
Your Most Common Tarot Cards
The cards below came up most often in your saved Tarot readings, which indicates that they may have a special meaning in your life. It's would be wise to pay more attention to these archetypes, in order to master their qualities or learn the lessons they represent. 
Four Pentacles (Coins)
This suit, most often named Coins or Pentacles, is a symbol for a magical talisman that represented wealth or potential. This suit represents something supportive that is available to you -- whether it be health, some kind of talent, a material or financial resource. A Four in this suit has been used to express the paradoxical aspect of material security -- the two-edged sword of having been well supported and protected. It sounds completely idyllic until one investigates the real demands that prosperity places upon people -- the pressure of big decisions, responsibilities toward dependents or employees, and even tougher decisions in times of insecurity. An immature person thrust into such a position would lack the perspective to sensibly assess risks and rewards, would be vulnerable to bad advice or surprise developments, and could even put the livelihoods of loyal assistants at risk. This card also can refer to the subtler dependencies that comfort encourages, allowing laxness and self-indulgence to quietly degrade one's reserve of will. The character this card represents needs to move slowly and deliberately if change is required, as the consequences will affect more than just her or himself. Note: In the English decks, like Rider-Waite, we see a person who is stuck in their misunderstanding of how the material plane works. He's afraid to let go of his four measly coins, because he doesn't know he has to give in order to get. When looked at this way, this is the card of poverty consciousness.
Six Staves
This suit, most often called "Wands" and sometimes called "Rods" or "Staves," represents initiative, ambition, drive and desire. This is the suit of enterprise and risk-taking. The Six of this suit points to the respect and acknowledgment due to you for your efforts to solve the problems of your community. The image is usually that of a victory parade, after the celebrated leader has helped the troops win a pivotal battle. It took the whole tribe to win the victory, of course, but it was the leader's heroism and clarity under pressure that inspired them to overcome. The team is thrilled that the leader led them to victory. This card points to a time to let everyone relax and celebrate -- if you are the leader, even let them lionize you for awhile. They are seeing reflected in you their own better selves -- a victory indeed!
The Hanged Man
Traditionally, the card known as the Hanged Man usually indicates a lack of ability to help oneself through independent action. This energy is arrested and awaiting judgment. With this card, there is no avenue for the will to regain control until the situation has passed. This represents a good time to be philosophical, to study and meditate upon the position you find yourself in, and form resolutions for the moment you become free again. Only those who possess wisdom, patience and optimism will be able to see through limitations, including possible humiliation, to grasp the inspiring lesson one can gain from such an experience.
~
Dominant Suit & Element
In Tarot, the Minor Arcana cards are divided into the 4 suits of Wands, Coins, Cups, and Swords. Each suit represents different qualities and associates with one of the 4 elements Fire, Water, Air, and Earth. You can look to see which suit appears most frequently in your readings for more insight into your situation.
The suit of Cups, often referred to as Chalices or Hearts, dominates your selected readings. This watery suit represents the emotional and psychic aspects of life -- fantasy, imagination, feelings, love. Water, being a universal element of all life, reflects the common psyche -- the energy we all share. The watery overtone in your readings calls for you to pay attention to your basic emotional needs, to your feelings and sensitivity. Some things can't be solved through talking.
~
Astrological Influences
You can gain further insight into your readings by looking at the top astrological influences reflected in your readings by the Major Arcana, or Trump, cards you got.
The planet Neptune has an almost perfectly circular orbit. A lot of cards with a Neptune association represent the part of our nature that strives for perfection, that looks to some higher ideal, dreams or the mystical union you long for. The planet Neptune rules the ocean and the part of us that is beyond the shores of personal identity, the limits of ego. The culture moves with the cycles of Neptune and it is an indicator of your connection to the culture that you live in. Relax, go with the flow and pay attention. Transformation can be yours, even if you feel slightly overwhelmed in the process.
~
Numerological Influences
Analyzing the numbered Tarot cards (Aces through Tens) in your set of saved readings often reveals a significant recurring number. Like all numbers, it has numerological significance, which is a part of how Tarot card meanings were classically derived. Looking at the meaning of this number can help you recognize and deal with major influences in your personal life.
When you get a preponderance of cards with the number 4, the message is clear. Establish and strengthen the fundamentals of your life. For instance, instead of renting a house, buy one. In your work or business, sort out what has true value and what is deadwood. Avoid procrastinating. Avoid promising things you can't fulfill. The number 4 is about being grounded, about being reliable, dependable and a source of strength. Let go of ifs and maybes, to go for those things that are square and predictable. Let go of wavering, indecisiveness or avoiding obstacles. The number 4 grabs the bull by the horns. Be realistic and forge a strong alliance with the material world. Pay attention to what works and what doesn't work. This is not a time for day dreaming. This does not mean that you should turn your back on the spiritual side of life. On the contrary; by walking such a straight and narrow path, your understanding of the Spiritual world becomes less and more defined.
Btw, if you go there, tell them embrisa send you. Thanks. :)
Love and Light,
embrisa/pamela
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Good Karma Or Bad Karma?
So what can these silly little quizzes tell me today? I thought one about my karma might be interesting, since I am always curious about Karma.
Could of fooled me. For a person with such bad luck, how could I possibly have good karma?
I've been reading a new book, The Mermaid Chair by Sue Monk Kidd - a rather good book. I've only made it to Chapter 5 so far, but i've had so much on my mind lately that I find I have to go back and re-read what I've already read just to take in what I missed the first time around. Grrr it gets to be frustrating. My Point: Don't try to read when You can't focus. LOL.
This morning I woke up, after a very fruitful sleep I might add, and went to check on my little African dwarf frog since I've been having such a hard time with him and I searched and searched my tank but did not see him any place. Finally i looked up and he was floating on the surface of the water. :( I thought "oh no, he died" . Was terribly sad and opened the top of my tank, grabbed my net cause certainly didn't want a dead frog floating around in there to put any poisons into the water or anything.. and lo' and behold and little thing started dashing about all full of energy and pep. hehe made me a very happy person.
Been watching him since and he's been darting around in there all happily. I hope happily anyway. I cetainly cannot tell his mood, but he sure is active and seems happy.
Tomorrow I will stop and try to find frozen blood worms or something similar for him to eat. The freeze dried stuff just floats on top, like he was doing and he won't eat that stuff. Yesterday I stuck some shrimp in his little hide out and turned out all the lights, so maybe he finally had a meal. *crosses fingers*
Enough for now
Love and Light ~
embrisa/pamela.
You Have Good Karma |
 In general, you like to do the right thing when it comes to others. Your caring personality really shines through. Sure, you have your moments of weakness - and occasionally act out. But, all in all, you're karma is good... even with those few dark spots. |
Could of fooled me. For a person with such bad luck, how could I possibly have good karma?
I've been reading a new book, The Mermaid Chair by Sue Monk Kidd - a rather good book. I've only made it to Chapter 5 so far, but i've had so much on my mind lately that I find I have to go back and re-read what I've already read just to take in what I missed the first time around. Grrr it gets to be frustrating. My Point: Don't try to read when You can't focus. LOL.
This morning I woke up, after a very fruitful sleep I might add, and went to check on my little African dwarf frog since I've been having such a hard time with him and I searched and searched my tank but did not see him any place. Finally i looked up and he was floating on the surface of the water. :( I thought "oh no, he died" . Was terribly sad and opened the top of my tank, grabbed my net cause certainly didn't want a dead frog floating around in there to put any poisons into the water or anything.. and lo' and behold and little thing started dashing about all full of energy and pep. hehe made me a very happy person.
Been watching him since and he's been darting around in there all happily. I hope happily anyway. I cetainly cannot tell his mood, but he sure is active and seems happy.
Tomorrow I will stop and try to find frozen blood worms or something similar for him to eat. The freeze dried stuff just floats on top, like he was doing and he won't eat that stuff. Yesterday I stuck some shrimp in his little hide out and turned out all the lights, so maybe he finally had a meal. *crosses fingers*
Enough for now
Love and Light ~
embrisa/pamela.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
The Day
It was a pretty normal day today. Nothing too exciting did or did not happen, though we did get our first rain today and brrr was it a cold one. I actually miss the rain. With our long winters here in Colorado, when the rains come again it is nice to open up the doors and just breath in the nice clean scent that only the rain can bring.
I got my own laptop back a few days ago from the Toshiba warranty center. If anybody is ever pondering to buy a Toshiba, please do not do it. They are total trash computers and not worth the money of their parts I don't think. The time my computer spent at the warranty center being fixed I used my roommates Dell Laptop and it is like a dream come true compared to this Toshiba. There are sooo many reasons, but I won't waste the space even getting into that. Just take my word for it, If you want a nice laptop, buy a Dell. At least they work decently and hey, you can even hear sounds properly - something you cannot do with a Toshiba. booo.
Tonight we were discussing the new Pope. Seems most people are rather blown away by the fact that he is German. Also, myself included, feel that he does not actually look .. hmm a good word for it, honest. He has a certain look to him, a deceptive look. Maybe it was just the group I was discussing it with but it seemed just about everybody felt the same way about him. Out of 8 people, 2 people actually disagreed with us. Interesting.
I will have to read around the web some to see how others feel about him.
Well that is all I have to say for now. It is time to go curl up and try to see about getting some real sleep.
embrisa/pamela.
I got my own laptop back a few days ago from the Toshiba warranty center. If anybody is ever pondering to buy a Toshiba, please do not do it. They are total trash computers and not worth the money of their parts I don't think. The time my computer spent at the warranty center being fixed I used my roommates Dell Laptop and it is like a dream come true compared to this Toshiba. There are sooo many reasons, but I won't waste the space even getting into that. Just take my word for it, If you want a nice laptop, buy a Dell. At least they work decently and hey, you can even hear sounds properly - something you cannot do with a Toshiba. booo.
Tonight we were discussing the new Pope. Seems most people are rather blown away by the fact that he is German. Also, myself included, feel that he does not actually look .. hmm a good word for it, honest. He has a certain look to him, a deceptive look. Maybe it was just the group I was discussing it with but it seemed just about everybody felt the same way about him. Out of 8 people, 2 people actually disagreed with us. Interesting.
I will have to read around the web some to see how others feel about him.
Well that is all I have to say for now. It is time to go curl up and try to see about getting some real sleep.
embrisa/pamela.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
This is Not Orange?
This was my first attempt at playing with a collage of any sort and I thought, wow... well orange is supposed to make you feel GOOD! So lets try some orange. LOL. I think i slightly over did it a bit with the orange. In fact, I don't even think it IS orange, but some puky blood red maybe? Also when the program shrunk it down to post it, ewww... don't i look horrible. Oh well, what can I say... but close your eyes!
Me In Orange~ Yummy.
Always in love and and RED,
embrisa/pamela.
Me In Orange~ Yummy.
Always in love and and RED,
embrisa/pamela.
Monday, April 18, 2005
What We Have Discoverd About Me So Far
As of Today, April 18th 2005 The things we (I) have discovered about myself (Pamela) through silly online quizzes, some which may be true and some which may not be true include:
- That I should be a "Buddist", If I am not one already.
- That my inner European is "Dutch". Not bad since my mummy was Dutch.
- That my Seduction style is "Natural" LOL.
- My Personality Disorder is a bit "Dependent" :)
- My Irish Name is "Eva O'Leary" Hah. Gotta Love it.
- That my Element is "Water" .
- That my Sign of Affection is a "Cuddle and a Kiss On the Forehead".
- That I am an "Intelligent Loner" .
- And Last but not least, I am most like the Greek God "Nemesis" :)
So that is who I am so far, according to the online quizzes. :) Some I knew, some I just never would of guessed. hehehe. oh boy.
Update: I wrote Lano's mother the Thank You note. Don't know if she will get it. Don't know if she will read it or even pass the thank you along to Lano, but hey, I tried.
In the end, when I was calling and asking for Lano, she was not passing my calls on to Lano and telling him that I called. The only way he would find out is if he would contact me and I'd say well I tried to call You last weekend or whatever and your mother said she would tell you. Then we would both find out at that time that no message was ever passed along to him. Oh well, if it was not meant to be, then it was not meant to be. There is nothing I nor anybody else can do to change the course of the future.
Everyday, Every hour, I still miss him dearly in my life. I wish more than anything that he would get his act together. That he would quit drinking. Quit abusing pills. Quit abusing Himself and realize there is somebody in this world that loves Him a whole lot and needs him.
But alas, he used to always tell me.. I do not even love myself. How can I fully love you? Or what was his other famous line? *thinks* I cannot remember now.. 6:15 am in the morning and no sleep. I am drawing a blank. But something similar.
Anyway, could of very well just of been excuses so he could get out of being with me. But somehow I doubt it. I just do not know. Men are hard to figure out. But i do know, that if he truly wanted to be with me, he would be with me. period. Nothing would hold him back. Men who are truly in love, do not hide away for months or make up silly excuses or none of that BS.
So everyday I struggle to win back my heart. But it has been no easy task. Maybe someday I shall forgot completely about him. I shall forgot all the things that we have in common. I shall forget how i crave what he craves. I shall forget it all. Maybe then he will be truly happy?
I have to go cry now.
embrisa/pamela.
I am Nemesis?
I seem to be hooked on these stupid quizzes. *runs around screaming*
This one was particularly frustrating because I do not think it is me at ALL. In fact, not even close. I even re-took the stupid test and it came up with the same answer TWICE. How can a submissive be a Nemesis? Odd.. If you ask me. But then again, nobody asked me I don't guess. Humph. Anyway, here is what it says about me. hah. Oh, and to boot, I am SHY!! Extremly shy!
nemesis
Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla
~
Okay, so lets try this one, it is kind of cute and well, interesting I suppose. What else can I say about it? LOL.
This one was particularly frustrating because I do not think it is me at ALL. In fact, not even close. I even re-took the stupid test and it came up with the same answer TWICE. How can a submissive be a Nemesis? Odd.. If you ask me. But then again, nobody asked me I don't guess. Humph. Anyway, here is what it says about me. hah. Oh, and to boot, I am SHY!! Extremly shy!
nemesis
Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla
~
Okay, so lets try this one, it is kind of cute and well, interesting I suppose. What else can I say about it? LOL.
loner
What kind of girl are you? (with pix!)
brought to you by Quizilla
I like this one for some strange reason. *Looks with puppy dog eyes*
tioncuddle
What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Quizilla tests are fun, but unless You are ready to host the pics yourself, don't try to post them in your blogs because they NEVER load and make your blogs look like crapola. Just a Little FYI.
embrisa/pamela
Sunday, April 17, 2005
Another Crappy Morning!
Sometimes I wonder, can life get anymore worse than it already is?
The answer continiously surprises me, because YES, it can! Everyday brings new surprises to me. Not loving, bountiful surprises.. but crappy surprises that just throw me for a loop. If it is not one thing it is another. What was Murphy's Law? hmm.
- Anything that can go wrong will go wrong will go wrong.
- Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
- Every solution breeds new problems.
Laughs - Just some things I found kind of funny, but very true about Murphy's law, that I thought I'd share.
Anyway, it is Sunday morning and I am debating making some blueberry Pancakes. Yumm. Sounds soo good on a morning like today. Or else curling back in bed sounds even better. hehe. decisions, decisions.
Last night on Yahoo, I actually decided to give a new Master a go. It was the most stupid mistake I made since the last time I tried. He seemed to have a great deal of knowledge about energy and the exchange of energy, though He did not look at it from a spiritual view like I did. He looked at it as purely sexual, which was new to me. When two people exchange energeis, to me that is spiritual.
It also helped me understand why for 5 years I could be in a relationship where the person only took and took my energy but never gave back, never danced 'in the flame' so to speak with me and because of that I became sicker and sicker. Maybe if i would of stayed on the same path, I would of died. I don't know. I mean we all have to die someday anyway, but being constantly drained by an energy vampire and never having Him fill me back up with his love, is very bad and very unhealthy, for the one who in such a position.
Love Pamela/embrisa
Saturday, April 16, 2005
*laughs* "Who The Quizzes Say I am"
I thought this might be kind of fun. Some of these quizzes are pretty hilarious and fun to share with others. Though I doubt anybody reads these blogs but me, at least interesting to go back and look at for future references, maybe take the test at a later date and see if i changed any? ha.
Only putting the ones where I agree with the outcome, yes, even the harsh ones. boohoo.
So here is one i thought was interesting..What is my Element? hmm. Agree with almost all this one has to say about me.
LoL, okay.. here is a good one. My real name is Pamela. So what is my Irish name? *grins*
What's your Irish Name?
This next one is most definitely me. *sniffle* Always knew I was co-dependent.
What Is Your Seduction Style?
Only putting the ones where I agree with the outcome, yes, even the harsh ones. boohoo.
So here is one i thought was interesting..What is my Element? hmm. Agree with almost all this one has to say about me.
Your Element Is Water |
 A bit of a contradiction, you can seem both lighthearted and serious. That's because you're good at going with the flow - but you also are deep. Highly intuitive, you tune in to people's emotions and moods easily. You are able to tap into deep emotional connections and connect with others. You prefer a smooth, harmonious life - but you can navigate your way around waves. You have a knack for getting people to get along and making life a little more peaceful. |
LoL, okay.. here is a good one. My real name is Pamela. So what is my Irish name? *grins*
Your Irish Name Is... |
 |
What's your Irish Name?
This next one is most definitely me. *sniffle* Always knew I was co-dependent.
You May Be a Bit Dependent ... |
 You're more than a little preoccupied with being abandoned. You need a lot of support in your life, at all times. It's difficult for you to survive on your own...And you don't reallly think you ever could. |
Your Seduction Style: The Natural |
 You don't really try to seduce people... it just seems to happen. Fun loving and free spirited, you bring out the inner child in people. You are spontaneous, sincere, and unpretentious - a hard combo to find! People drop their guard around you, and find themselves falling fast. |
What Is Your Seduction Style?
Your Inner European is Dutch! |
 Open minded and tolerant. You're up for just about anything. |
Friday, April 15, 2005
Gone To H*ll In A HandBasket!
It seems when I do not take the time to sit here and write out my feelings, things go from bad to worse for me all over again.
I still think I was born under a bad sign or am cursed or just have pure bad bad karma to deal with and as I stated in an earlier post, I just don't get the karma business when I have never been anything but gentle and loving to most the people in my life, even to the people who constantly kick me in the teeth, over and over again. and yes, I could see having karmic debt from a past life to deal with - but my deeds and sickness I must face everyday of my life certainly must account for some of my past deeds. JUST GIVE ME A BREAK!! PLEASE!
Lets see, about my Toshiba laptop that croaked after only owning it for 3 months and yes, it was brand new, out of the box. It sat at the Toshiba warranty center almost 2 weeks before they ever got around to touching it. Finally the man called me and told me PART of the problem was caused by static electricity, because I still had the plastic cover on the top of it. doh. Don't know how he came to that conclusion when he told me the other problem was caused by a hard drive failure. Complete and total failure. He asked me if I wanted any data off of it, since I had not backed it up, like a dummy.. and all my email addys, pictures and stuff were on there.. though he could not back up no programs at all he wanted to charge me $150 dollars just to recover a small amount of data. Bascially emails and pictures. But I told him okay anyway. But I guess it was not for me to worry, or to have those email addys or pictures because he later called back and said he could not recover no data off that hard drive, that is how shot it was.
I thought maybe in the future I could take it to a data recovery place or something and asked him, well that hard drive (the old one) is bascially mine isn't it? So you could send it to me when you return my fixed computer to me? OH no no, we have to return this non-working hard drive back to toshiba or they charge us full price for the hard drive. sheesh. well okay. The only way was for me to leave him a credit card and if I did not return the old hard drive back to them in a specific amount of time then they would charge my credit card for the full price of a brand new hard drive. What a bunch of BS as far as i'm concerned. I never heard of such a thing in my life and think he was just giving me any answer that would help him get bucks out of me or no data recovery.
Then he let me know that he would be sending me back my computer, with the new hard drive installed on it, but it would be completely blank. In order for it to have Windows installed on it or any of the toshiba programs that came pre-installed on it, it would cost me ANOTHER $50 bucks. Gee. these people are like blood suckers, only money suckers - which is just as bad. Funny how it is supposed to have a 1 year unlimited warranty on it but for every little thing they do, besides just fixing the very basics, which means troubleshooting the problem and fixing it everything else above and beyond that they want to charge you an arm and a leg.
I also told the man, it sure is funny that a hard drive is going to fail after only 3 months. He said not really, that hard drives are the most replaced part on a computer. Well it is funny that i've owned computers since about 1991 and in all that time NEVER had a hard drive fail on me. Had plenty of power supplies and fans go out on me but never a hard drive.
One thing I can say for certain, I will NEVER EVER buy from Toshiba again.
Enough of that. What else? Well, my roommate got taxes done and got stuck owing IRS like over 6 thousand dollars. That puts my roommate in one heck of a b*tchy mood and takes it all out on me. Really I am at the end of my rope in this situation as well. I've started looking for a little one bedroom apartment for myself, my kitty and my fish.
I've never lived on my own and think it would be nice to live on my own. Nobody else's BS to put up with. Nobody else's mood to deal with, just my own. Free to be me. Who i am when I want to be. I think i'd pass out not having to deal with another person's trippy moods. Just my own is enough to deal with at times.
It would be a complete lifestyle change for me, but nothing that I do not think I can handle. If anything I think it would make me more stronger and much more reliant upon myself. Something I need!
I am so sick of people pushing me around. Telling me how to do things, how not to do things. Arrgh!!
My sleep has went totally down the tubes again. I think I sat up for two nights in a row, only falling asleep when I would pass out sitting up. *wake me up inside, can't wake up, call my name and save me from the nothing I've become. bring me to life. Frozen inside without your love, without your touch* Last night I did try to sleep like a normal person and then the phone rang at 3:30am in the morning. I was so angry I called the number back that showed up on my caller ID and was NOT nice. Asked the girl, why are you calling my house in the middle of night? she said, who is this? *laughs* again, i was angry and just said.. why you calling my house in the middle of the night.. finally she said, I was trying to get ahold of my mom. I said obviously you dialed wrong and at 3:30 in the morning you should be more careful about the numbers you are dialing and slammed the phone down and no, i did not feel bad for acting like such a moron because AGAIN, i was awake.. like a dweeb.
I still have not wrote Lano's mother a thank you note or anything. Still not sure what I should do. *laughs* It is an internal battle. Part of me wants to do nothing at all then there is this good girl inside of me that says I should at least write and say thank You for the good birthday wishes. blah. Whatever I do, i better do it soon because I can't send a thank you note a month later.. now that would seem weird.
I'm done for now. I need fresh cold water and see how the day is going, it is almost noon here.
Peace and Love,
Embrisa/Pamela.
I still think I was born under a bad sign or am cursed or just have pure bad bad karma to deal with and as I stated in an earlier post, I just don't get the karma business when I have never been anything but gentle and loving to most the people in my life, even to the people who constantly kick me in the teeth, over and over again. and yes, I could see having karmic debt from a past life to deal with - but my deeds and sickness I must face everyday of my life certainly must account for some of my past deeds. JUST GIVE ME A BREAK!! PLEASE!
Lets see, about my Toshiba laptop that croaked after only owning it for 3 months and yes, it was brand new, out of the box. It sat at the Toshiba warranty center almost 2 weeks before they ever got around to touching it. Finally the man called me and told me PART of the problem was caused by static electricity, because I still had the plastic cover on the top of it. doh. Don't know how he came to that conclusion when he told me the other problem was caused by a hard drive failure. Complete and total failure. He asked me if I wanted any data off of it, since I had not backed it up, like a dummy.. and all my email addys, pictures and stuff were on there.. though he could not back up no programs at all he wanted to charge me $150 dollars just to recover a small amount of data. Bascially emails and pictures. But I told him okay anyway. But I guess it was not for me to worry, or to have those email addys or pictures because he later called back and said he could not recover no data off that hard drive, that is how shot it was.
I thought maybe in the future I could take it to a data recovery place or something and asked him, well that hard drive (the old one) is bascially mine isn't it? So you could send it to me when you return my fixed computer to me? OH no no, we have to return this non-working hard drive back to toshiba or they charge us full price for the hard drive. sheesh. well okay. The only way was for me to leave him a credit card and if I did not return the old hard drive back to them in a specific amount of time then they would charge my credit card for the full price of a brand new hard drive. What a bunch of BS as far as i'm concerned. I never heard of such a thing in my life and think he was just giving me any answer that would help him get bucks out of me or no data recovery.
Then he let me know that he would be sending me back my computer, with the new hard drive installed on it, but it would be completely blank. In order for it to have Windows installed on it or any of the toshiba programs that came pre-installed on it, it would cost me ANOTHER $50 bucks. Gee. these people are like blood suckers, only money suckers - which is just as bad. Funny how it is supposed to have a 1 year unlimited warranty on it but for every little thing they do, besides just fixing the very basics, which means troubleshooting the problem and fixing it everything else above and beyond that they want to charge you an arm and a leg.
I also told the man, it sure is funny that a hard drive is going to fail after only 3 months. He said not really, that hard drives are the most replaced part on a computer. Well it is funny that i've owned computers since about 1991 and in all that time NEVER had a hard drive fail on me. Had plenty of power supplies and fans go out on me but never a hard drive.
One thing I can say for certain, I will NEVER EVER buy from Toshiba again.
Enough of that. What else? Well, my roommate got taxes done and got stuck owing IRS like over 6 thousand dollars. That puts my roommate in one heck of a b*tchy mood and takes it all out on me. Really I am at the end of my rope in this situation as well. I've started looking for a little one bedroom apartment for myself, my kitty and my fish.
I've never lived on my own and think it would be nice to live on my own. Nobody else's BS to put up with. Nobody else's mood to deal with, just my own. Free to be me. Who i am when I want to be. I think i'd pass out not having to deal with another person's trippy moods. Just my own is enough to deal with at times.
It would be a complete lifestyle change for me, but nothing that I do not think I can handle. If anything I think it would make me more stronger and much more reliant upon myself. Something I need!
I am so sick of people pushing me around. Telling me how to do things, how not to do things. Arrgh!!
My sleep has went totally down the tubes again. I think I sat up for two nights in a row, only falling asleep when I would pass out sitting up. *wake me up inside, can't wake up, call my name and save me from the nothing I've become. bring me to life. Frozen inside without your love, without your touch* Last night I did try to sleep like a normal person and then the phone rang at 3:30am in the morning. I was so angry I called the number back that showed up on my caller ID and was NOT nice. Asked the girl, why are you calling my house in the middle of night? she said, who is this? *laughs* again, i was angry and just said.. why you calling my house in the middle of the night.. finally she said, I was trying to get ahold of my mom. I said obviously you dialed wrong and at 3:30 in the morning you should be more careful about the numbers you are dialing and slammed the phone down and no, i did not feel bad for acting like such a moron because AGAIN, i was awake.. like a dweeb.
I still have not wrote Lano's mother a thank you note or anything. Still not sure what I should do. *laughs* It is an internal battle. Part of me wants to do nothing at all then there is this good girl inside of me that says I should at least write and say thank You for the good birthday wishes. blah. Whatever I do, i better do it soon because I can't send a thank you note a month later.. now that would seem weird.
I'm done for now. I need fresh cold water and see how the day is going, it is almost noon here.
Peace and Love,
Embrisa/Pamela.
Monday, April 11, 2005
Something Beautiful
I saw this quote and thought, Gee, this is me and how beautiful it is....
"I can't get mad at You for hurting me over and over again cause over and over again I let You."
*big frown*
"I can't get mad at You for hurting me over and over again cause over and over again I let You."
*big frown*
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