I've been sleeping much better lately. Don't know why or How, but I will not complain about it - Just be thankful for every bit of sleep I do manage to get.
Maybe my heartbreak over Lano is slowly healing where I can sleep or maybe Lano's attentions are on something else now and he has more important things to do than sit and throw negativity towards me.
Sometimes it feels as if my heart is healing, other times, like this morning I sat and just cried like a baby. I still miss him sometimes. Even though he was a drunk and a liar, he had some good qualtities about him as well. Like he just did not treat me like a sex object. He actually had things to talk about other than sex all the time and I liked that and miss it alot. Sometimes it feels I will never find a man like that again. It makes my heart very sad and brings tears to my eyes.
Maybe he didn't treat me like a sex object because he was too drunk all the time to care much about sex. Drunks usually lose their sex drive, or at least most of it. But no matter, I still miss the conversations.
I'm not even 100% sure why I miss the conversations. Usually he talked only about himself and how crappy his life was and how sick he was today, or yesterday or a month ago... depended on how long it had been since I had last spoken to him.
Or he would sit and brag about how great he treated the black people at work while everybody else just turned their backs on them or how he was going to become a Muslim. OMG.
I always wondered.. If he can treat all these people so great and so wonderful, why does he treat me like a dog in a cage? Never got my answer and guess I never will. Guess it was my fate to go through this with a guy like him. Why? Guess i'd have to ask God and he isn't talking either.
Anyway, I had my good cry over my lose of Lano this morning. Now i feel a bit lighter and better in my heart.. maybe for a time.
The snow we got from yesterday is DEEP and cold. brrr. I have no idea how much of the white stuff we actually got but they were saying on the news up to 12 inches and it actually looks like there could be 12 inches of snow out there. Now all I need is a snow plow because I am NOT going out there to shovel that much snow.
Last night I felt in a mood to cook so I cooked myself a pot of Italian style wedding meatballs and spinach in a chicken broth. Turned out pretty good. I never cooked it before and followed the directions from a recipe. I wasn't that turned on by the italian style meatballs, don't know why they call them "wedding style" except maybe they are small. LOL.
So I ate a bowl of the stuff and have a pot left over in the refrigerator that will probably end up getting thrown out, since I will never eat it again. I just am not very turned on by meat anymore and I don't know why. Kind of like milk. I used to love milk, now I won't touch the stuff with a 10 foot pole. Both just make me feel ill when I eat/drink them. Yuck.
So even though I am a diabetic and pasta style stuff is not good for me, it seems it is all my tummy can handle these days. Not even pasta sauce, ewww. So seems I am limited to bits of pasta, fresh salad and fruits and that is about it for me as far as food goes. Oh and since I am a lover of garlic and cannot find garlic bread in the grocery store (seems I am the only one who loves garlic bread) i've been making my own garlic bread lately in my bread machine.
I took the betta who was in the tiny cup, the one who's bowl broke on me and I put him in the 10 gallon fish tank and even though I did not wait the entire 3 or 4 days one is supposed to wait before adding fish, he seems to be doing well. But he seems kind of sneaky. There is a divider in there so eventually I can add the other betta and they will not kill each other.. but I look one minute and the sneaky little thing is on the other side of the divider, then I will look again and he is back on the other side again. Odd that is. I cannot figure out how he is getting back and forth and when I watch him, though I am clear across the room he doesn't go back and forth.. waits till all my attention is on something else and makes his way back to the other side. Seems I will either have to get a new divider that actually works or forget about putting the other betta in there. *frowns*
Ahahah!! I busted him going to the other side. One swift swoosh near the bottom of the divider and he was to the other side. hmm. interesting. Well, I guess I need a new divider or can piss off putting the other betta in there. *grumbles to herself* He doesn't seem to like the other side very much though. *laughs* it is kind of funny. He looks misplaced, or should I say, acts it. Maybe it is because the filter is on that side and he don't know what to think of it. He calms back down when he gets back to his own side. Weird little fishy creature he is.
Well I guess it is time for this one to go start her day. I love to write each day, seems to take away some of my stresses and writing here helps me to save paper. Don't know how many diaries I have filled up, but I have half a book shelf of them. I guess there is some good and bad to both ways. I still jot down the real personal stuff in my paper diary, especially my poetry and my hard emotions I just would never want anybody else to ever read.
Love and Light,
Embrisa/Pamela.
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